Some of you might know I got dumped a few weeks ago. His reason? He is depressed. I've never heard of this before and was wondering if anyone could offer some insight. I'll try to explain my situation briefly.

My now ex and I dated for about 10 months. Things were going wonderfully, we never fought, and were always doing small, special things for each other. During that time, he assumed the role of father to my 4 year old son. He set up a bedroom for him at his house, talked about adopting him, collected toys for him at his house, and was excited for summer so he could build him a sandbox in his yard. We talked about the future, having babies, getting married, and he seemed excited about these things. He was just a wonderful, wonderful man.

He had divorced about 8 months before we met. His ex wife had cheated on him (he walked in on them) became abusive, an alcoholic, moved a child molester into their home, started doing hard drugs, stole all his money, and eventually left him. Because of that, he had developed anxiety and PTSD, and has always had some form of depression.

Over the two days before he dumped me, he sent me sweet texts like, "Every day I'm with you, I feel like I've found my pot of gold", or he would text me that he heard one of my favorite songs and was thinking of me fondly. The night before the breakup he said he couldn't wait to pick my son and I up for a sleepover the next day.

The next morning we exchanged the usual "good morning" and "I love you" texts. That day we had a blizzard so he asked if it was ok to postpone our sleepover. I agreed. I asked him later what he was doing and he said he was at his parents' house, which is farther away than mine. I called him and asked what he was doing there. He broke down and started sobbing, telling me he was a monster and that he hated himself to the core. He said he was severely depressed and anxious and couldn't drag me down with him. He said I deserved so much better than him. He assured me that it wasn't anything I had done and that he wasn't leaving for anyone else. He said that he might not ever want a relationship again because he was so broken. He said he was going to re-enter therapy and try to have his antidepressants changed, but wasn't sure if anything would ever help. I told him I was willing to stick by his side and do whatever it took to help him get better but he refused because he was so empty inside that he didn't have any love to give. He did come over to say his final goodbyes and mentioned that if he did ever get better that we might be able to rebuild, but later on said he couldn't guarantee he would ever want to be with someone again and couldn't guarantee it would be with me.

I'm so hurt and confused. One minute we were well on our way to being a family, and the next I'm out in the cold. Is this just a pathetic excuse to get rid of me or does this kind of thing really happen? If it does, should I wait it out or just forget about him and move on? I told him I wasn't going to wait for him, and I am in the process of getting myself into therapy to make sense of this, and I'm working on getting into better shape so I can find someone else again, but if he comes back before I'm ready to get back out there, I don't know what to do.

That sucks things came apart so suddenly between you guys. As to your question about depression being the main cause of why he broke up with you, I say don't doubt that for a second.

Major depression is a terrible, long lasting disease that can cause a person to seemingly unravel even without any clear signs as to why they're depressed. The one thing I encourage you to do is get educated on what depression is and what it can do to a person long term. I recently watched a bunch of psychology videos, and one was a lecture on depression. It's a little long(and detailed) but it's worth every minute of your time if you want to know why he may have just broken down all of a sudden.



Again, I'm sorry you had to go through the experience of having a relationship fall apart literally overnight. I know a couple people with clinical depression who I once called very close friends. Their depression though made them more and more distant, even when I tried my hardest to retain our friendship.

Posted by JD That sucks things came apart so suddenly between you guys. As to your question about depression being the main cause of why he broke up with you, I say don't doubt that for a second. Major depression is a terrible, long lasting disease that can cause a person to seemingly unravel even without any clear signs as to why they're depressed. The on thing I encourage you to do is get educated on what depression is and what it can do to a person long term. I recently watched a bunch of psychology videos, and one was a lecture on depression. It's a little long(and detailed) but it's worth every minute of your time if you want to know why he may have just broken down all of a sudden. Again, I'm sorry you had to go through the experience of having a relationship fall apart literally overnight. I know a couple people with clinical depression who I once called very close friends. Their depression though made them more and more distant, even when I tried my hardest to retain our friendship.

This is excellent. Thanks.

About six years ago, I fell into a major depressive episode. Friday May 4 2007. Around 10 PM. It began with a conversation. By Sunday evening, I was almost catatonic. This went on for more than a year and a half.

I'd been through this a few times before, but nothing ever lasted more than a couple of months. I think the longest episode previous to the big one lasted 3 months. And it happened in Prince George ferfucksakes. If THAT's not depressing in and of itself, I don't know what is.

But the big one was an 18 month project. Manic phases, and this psychomotor retardation thing...which was really difficult in that I was primary care for our 3 year old son. Every. Fucking. Thing. was a major chore that required serious effort (and bravery) to get through. Brushing my teeth. Getting a cup of juice for Toodles. Collecting the mail. Making the bed. Changing the godamned channel on the TV. Preparing meals, washing dishes, sorting socks, writing my name, answering the phone, clipping my fingernails.

And the worst thing about all of it was that what I was going through didn't seem to register with the people closest to me. Well...my son knew something was wrong. Kids always know.

I was an insomniac. Days without sleep. I was never hungry. Days of picking through my food...and really, just sitting with my son at dinner for the sake of watching him eat. I certainly wasn't eating anything.

So then I'm at the doctor's office on some unrelated matter...back pain, I think...and I completely break down. I'm surprised she didn't have me committed right there. I'm glad this happened when and where it did. It activated a whole response, and began with getting some help with 1) sleep, and 2) analysis and treatment. It continues today.

But enough about me.

Neptune, all I can say about your situation is that you not give up hope for this person. Keep in contact with him. Buried somewhere inside is that person you knew before this episode bloomed, and if he's able to realize that what he's experiencing can be changed, and that he can get better, and that he can resume a normal life, I'm sure that the two of you...well, the three of you including your son...can build a future together. If this is what you want.

Your story actually hit a nerve with me a bit but in a different way. First I'd like to say I'm really sorry for your situation, breakups suck ((big hugs)). I don't want to poo poo on this situation at all so I'll just ask this, do you at all have any doubts to this depression thing being for real??

Posted by L'Ali Your story actually hit a nerve with me a bit but in a different way. First I'd like to say I'm really sorry for your situation, breakups suck ((big hugs)). I don't want to poo poo on this situation at all so I'll just ask this, do you at all have any doubts to this depression thing being for real??

I wish I had an easy answer to that. I know that the depression is real and I don't doubt at all that he is depressed. He's the kind of person who (probably) wouldn't lie about something like that. If he was at all lying, it's probably to protect my feelings. I don't know a lot about what depression does to someone. Before recently I thought it was just a down in the dumps feeling, so I've been trying to do a bit of research and will be watching the above video as soon as I post my reply. Based on the research and the responses I've gotten here, I'd say that this is real and that he is being honest.

But then I think that nobody is really so selfless as to let someone go because they don't want to drag them down. I know when I am feeling blue, I want love and support from those who are closets to me, especially from a significant other. And then I see that no other aspects of his life have changed. He still goes to work, has friends over, and visits family. He seems to be carrying on with his normal routine, but without me. So I just don't know.

JD, thank you so much for sharing that video. It's interesting that he said depression can happen in cycles, which I've noticed with my ex. He told me that his depression does get worse in winter and that he has SAD. We live in Maine so the winters are long and brutal. I heard somewhere that this time of year is actually worse than January-February because of the inconsistent temperature and light patterns. We go from days of sunny and 60's to freezing and snow the next. I also know that this is around the two year anniversary of when he walked in on his ex wife cheating on him, so I'm thinking that it must have something to do with it.

brains... some people cant handle them. I had an ex that went bat shit crazy about every 3 months. I had another that that after she was laid off and lost her medical benefits, and her meds ran out and wore off, woke up one day as a new woman. One who I had never met before. I could go on, but that would make me out to be a serial bat shit crazy woman dater.

A really similar thing happened to me with my most recent ex, only we weren't together nearly as long. But we discussed marriage, a possible move to Georgia, we looked at apartments together, I moved to his town (about an hour and a half away from where I was living at the time, and I turned down a job offer in order to move to his area). He had a lot of issues, which I knew about pretty much from the beginning -- he was bisexual but had also been raped by a local male politician when he was in his early 20's, and he struggled with his sexuality because he was afraid that his attraction to men was somehow related to his sexual abuse. He also drank very heavily and had attempted suicide about a month before we began dating.

I struggle with depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues as well. We both loved that we could bond over our shared experiences, and we felt that we had a deeper understanding of the other one because we had similar past experiences. Neither of us really "triggered" the other one, depression wise, or so I thought. We saw each other almost every day, went out for dinner together, I would stay with him after his shift was over while he cleaned and closed up the coffee shop his mother owned and he managed. We were incredibly in love. Then one day he texted me and told me it was over. We met for drinks later that night, and he explained as best he could that his depression was making it impossible for him to be in a relationship. He felt that he could barely care for himself and therefore didn't feel capable of taking care of me. When I explained to him that he didn't need to take care of me and that I never expected him to, he said that he felt responsible anyway, even though I never made him feel that way.

We went through a series of months without speaking at all, both incredibly hurt over the situation. Eventually we began talking again and have managed to rekindle a platonic relationship, and I consider him to be my best friend. From what you've said about your ex-beau, I'm imagining that he's hurting quite a great deal over his decision to end things with you, even though I know it might feel like you're the only one in pain. When you suffer from severe depression, it's often difficult (and sometimes impossible) to explain your feelings and motives thoroughly, in a way that makes sense to anyone but yourself. My guess is that he meant exactly what he told you -- that he didn't want to bring you down, especially because you have a son, and by continuing to be with you while he was battling his inner demons, he'd be setting you both up for a more disastrous heartbreak in the future if he wasn't able to hold up his end of the relationship and felt the need to bow out.

My suggestion is to give him space and time, and allow him to re-evaluate his feelings and his mental standing. He may need to do some soul-searching and self-care that he never had a chance to do after divorcing his ex-wife. Sometimes you bury yourself in a relationship with someone else because you're unsure of how to take care of yourself. He may just need to ground himself.

I so appreciate the thoughtful and personal responses. They made me feel a bit better for a time. However, it seems that Mr. Too depressed to be with anyone has found himself a new lady a month after dumping me. Oh well, good riddance I guess. On to the next adventure.

I would date you so hard!