This thread has kinda been a long time coming, but I'm left stunned and clueless.

My boyfriend of 5 years recently lost his dad to cancer. About a year ago during a routine surgery, they found cancer in his blood, and due to previous chemo treatments, his heart was too weak for a marrow transplant. However, most of this news only trickled in... for the longest time, his mom and sister were telling him that these frontier treatments were working, and indeed, it seemed like it.

What info my bf got, I got even less of. I did what I could to be supportive, but I often was left under the impression his dad was just fine and his hospital stints were for things like passing out after they drew a ton of blood or check-ups. I had always up til then been treated like part of the family, but suddenly he was shutting me out. Soon after, I started feeling a sort of cold shoulder from his family.

The weekend his dad passed, I was out of town. We had a camping trip planned and paid for and plans laid out with friends and family, and literally at the last second he cancelled. I asked if I should stay behind and he insisted I go. For that, I now feel guilty. As of when I left, his dad was having pain but otherwise seemed to be doing fine. In a matter of hours, though, he suffered kidney failure and breathing issues, and was gone within 24 hours. I came back as soon as possible.

Anyway, winding down a long story, during all of this, he's been off and on NASTY to me. He would randomly silent-treatment me, lash out at me, scream, name-call, and storm around the house. Much of it I chalked up to stress and, while I'd almost always get apologies after he realized just how hurtful he was being, it still left scars on me.

What now kills is, suddenly I'm feeling shut out by him and his family. Any time there is a "family" functions, I seem to be shoved off to the side. I don't want to make this all about me, so don't get that impression. What I'm talking about is I try to comfort, support, and be there, and I get pushed aside, then later accused of "not caring". His mom insists I'm still part of the family, but I just feel iced out.

Anyone ever been through a major loss with a significant other? Is this a (semi) normal reaction or am I missing something here?

I would say that its stress related. But keep your guard up.

My sister lost her bf of 2+ years in a car wreck this summer and she had the same sort of treatment from his family as you are now.. Its been almost 4 months or so since the accident and the family is just now coming around to her and being nice to her again and apologizing for the harsh words they said to her and the crappy treatment she received from them during the funeral process.

I dont think you should be worried, but you might want to take a step back and look at the big picture and remember to breath. Yes, it is good for you to be there for your bf during this time, but don't smother him. He will need time to himself to reflect, relax, rebuild. Maybe if you have the means and funding to, start planning a mini vacation for the two of you to the lake, or to a cabin for the winter holidays....something where the two of you can be together on your own to talk about things (but only if he wants to).

just my 2cents

Been there, and its a tough damn spot. I lost my Mom last year, and my girl was where you are. There isn't anything you can do except be there. There is all kinds of emotional baggage that comes along with this, feelings of guilt, etc., much of which won't have anything to do with you. I wish I had great advice, but just wait it out. Your man is in a little bit of a dark place mentally, and HE has to deal with it before you as a couple can deal with it. Good luck.

I lost my grandfather in january and found myself getting angry at my boyfriend because it felt to me he didn't understand and would never say the right thing to me. I was short with him and quite unpleasent.

He was very understanding and gave me space and now that im out of that immediate grief land I feel much better and can take things slower. my temper is much better.

Maybe give it time. and see how things go.
perhaps sit down with him one day when he isnt stressed out and tell him how you feel. make sure to include him and be sympathetic for him too.

Thanks for all the advice.

I do what I can to give him as much space as possible when he's in his moods. Some days are up and he's just fine, other days he's down and it's not pretty.

I seem to not know what to say or do in situations, and I realize I may come off as callous because I'm not much of one to shed tears in front of others if I can help it.


For now, taking things step by step and trying not to get offended if he's snarling at me. The other day was the one year anniversary of the diagnosis and he was in a rotten mood, so I let him be and spent some time with friends. THe next day he was fine again.