A very long story condensed, but I have a friend, that (at least from the info we get and things we see first hand) seems to be controlled by their S.O. It's to the point now where said S.O. is now dictating who is friends with my friend... including me. I'm seen as a "threat" (never mind that I would NEVER home wreck, see said friend as family, and, most importantly, am in a very happy, committed long-term relationship myself.) [Back story... S.O. and I were friends... S.O. has some issues though and recently that's affected many aspects of their life... I would still be friends with them if not for the just... absolute asinine treatment of this whole situation.]

I can tell my friend is depressed but they won't do anything really about their situation. It hurts deeply to lose a friend, but it seems this may be the path.


I've gotten varying advice. Some have said just flat-out ice my friend out until they decide to grow a spine and face their S.O. Some say stick with them and support them and keep trying to make nice-nice with the S.O. and show I'm not a threat. I've even had some say to go to my friend's family and see if they have advice and/or know what's going on.

Just trying to feel out some options, hoping maybe someone's been there before.

Have you considered the possibility that they're being abused?

Controlling behaviour like that is a good indication of an abusive relationship. My ex would have a shit-fit if I so much as wanted to go have a coffee with a life-long friend and accuse me of cheating etc.

If they're being abused they will also be afraid to leave their partner, or may feel very shameful about the situation.

There's not a lot of info in your post, but that was my first question...

This is a shitty situation for sure, but I've also been in it.

I've had a guy friend or two get a girlfriend and then instantly cut me out of their lives because their "girlfriend told them to". It's bullshit, and it's controlling. I really don't know why they put up with it, but obviously they're happy being controlled and losing friends.

So, in my opinion.. Cold Shouldering them might be the best opinion for now. Let them know your concern and let them know you'll be around if they decide to want you around.

In my typical long-winded style, I had a long response, but think the best thing to is tell Jellybeans85 to follow the link below and see what Planned Parenthood has to say about these sorts of situations.

http://www.planned...tionship-19917.htm

Once you read that, then read my two-cents worth...

I retain a few ex-GF's as Facebook friends and my wife has never said anything about them.

My wife didn't even complain that my relationship status on Facebook remained as "it's complicated" long after we were married. She mentioned it once, so I changed it. It has never come up again.

So if on a scale of 0-10 for a control freak S.O., I'd be about 0.5 and the situation jellybeans95 is describing sounds to be about an 8.

If there was spyware in the person's computer or cellphone, bugs and tracking devices, then a 9 and I reserve 10 for people that have someone locked in a secret room under the garage.

People stay in abusive/controlling relationships because they depend on the controlling S.O. for something. Whether it be food, a home, drugs, companionship or protection from some thing that is either real or imagined. Like that 25 year old woman in the news today:

https://www.sunday...r-after-kidnapping

You might also want to read this:

http://www.planned...relabuse_06-05.pdf

I ought to explain, too. It's not so much that friend is saying "Have an S.O., bye!" S.O. is pretty much DEMANDING friend doesn't talk to me because they feel "threatened" by me. If we (my bf and I) make plans and invite friend, S.O. will refuse to go. Never mind if they have NOTHING going, S.O. would rather friend sit at home bored to tears than risk being around me.

And I've asked S.O. what SPECIFICALLY I've done to make them uncomfortable, and besides a few made-up events (Claiming I said friend would be better suited with me, etc...which I NEVER said.) they refuse to say what exactly I've done, other than "cause drama".

Sounds like your friend is being abused and that the S.O. is being controlling.

The S.O. sounds like two of my ex-girlfriends. They would get angry whenever I associated with long time friends and demand I cut ties with them.

Some of the ways the ex-girlfriends would force compliance would be to threaten to call the cops and have me charged for assault and one would get physically abusive.

As for growing a spine, I find that a lot of people, myself included, don`t like being alone and the prospect of being single in a couple`s world is quite terrifying. That alone can serve as a weapon to keep control over someone and yes, another way was being told that I am such a loser that no one else would ever have anything to do with me.

The only thing you can do at this time would be to keep the door open to your friend and let that friend know you`re in their corner. Sad to say but your friend should cut ties with the S.O. and get the heck out of that relationship.

Best of luck.

Sounds like your friend is ....

*Sorry, double post here due to lag.*

I've unfortunately lost contact with some very good friends because of over-controlling ex girlfriends who in the end, were not at all worth it. I had to learn that lesson the hard way a few times in order to realize that good friends should be more important than someone you climb into bed with, no matter how long you've been with them. If they don't love you enough to try to get along with people that are very important to you, they're not worth it.

Posted by unlighted-zero I've unfortunately lost contact with some very good friends because of over-controlling ex girlfriends who in the end, were not at all worth it. I had to learn that lesson the hard way a few times in order to realize that good friends should be more important than someone you climb into bed with, no matter how long you've been with them. If they don't love you enough to try to get along with people that are very important to you, they're not worth it.

I've fortunately never let it get to that point in a relationship. The one guy I dated who started to get controlling, I told him he could deal, or he could move on.

I think the hardest thing in the situation is my friend has VERY low self-esteem... it doesn't make leaving a bad relationship easy!

The situation is still at a stalemate. I still talk to my friend, but the SO still refuses to even try to talk...and friend says that's what SO claims needs to happen.

It's not fun, but I will continue to support my friend.

I know this situation well. Having been controlled by my S.O. (eons ago) and now currently I have a friend that is in this situation. And I'm the friend she can't be friends with. It's a tough situation. You just need to support your friend and hang tight. Sometimes its not that easy to grow a pair and stand up. Often they are too close to the situation and they can't see it for themselves. It doesn't matter how many outside people say anything either. It might just be something that they have to realize on their own. It could also be a fear thing. If there is abuse going on. If the friendship means that much to you then my advice would be to just seriously hang in there. Support them, be there for them even if that means you can't actually see them in person or have contact with them. It's tough but it's all you can do. So why does the S.O. see you as a threat? That is usually classic deflection or major insecurity issues.

As to why the SO doesn't trust me.... hoo boy is that a rabbit hole to go down. The short version, because they at one time whored around, it means EVERYONE whores around in their eyes.

Me being close to my friend = I want to bed them. Which is not even remotely true as I HAVE a bf and am VERY happy and committed.