Last week was dumped by this girl I had been seeing about 2 months, after taking an extended break (over a year) from being in any sort of relationship. Received the classic “it’s not you it’s me”, which after pursuing for the truth I learned meant “i’m not into you romantically.” We had an incredibly physical relationship with little in the way of emotional communication, making me wonder if I was just some sort of boy-toy, obviously I learned my lesson about “playing it cool” and trying to protect myself by not expressing my feelings (I was very into her). Anyways, I digress.

We have a mutual friend from college (her roommate, one of my very good friends) who introduced us. We knew each other in college, but just had never interacted, so we were never friends before or anything. I know this “relationship” is over… took me a few days to get my act together but obviously I have no interest in pursuing someone who can’t see me for the beautiful soul I am… especially after they had the opportunity to get to know me and then dumped me like a piece of trash.

Here’s where it gets interesting. She seemed incredibly adamant about telling me how nice of a guy I am and how much fun she had getting to know me, and hopes we’ll being friends going forward… and that’s where I’m stuck. I know girls say this shit because A. they suck at communicating, and B. think it’s a more gentle way to let someone down as opposed to saying “we should never talk again”, but I wonder why she would have bothered to say this, since she knows we have mutual friends and in reality are bound to see each other, potentially in the relatively near-future. For the short-term I’m planning on ignoring any thought of possibly seeing her (I will not be visiting her roommate/my friend in Boston until I’m 10,000,000% over it), but in the long-run we have a lot of mutual friends and she advised “I’m sure I’ll see you soon in either Boston or Portland (where I live)”.

If I’m bound to see her again after being casually disposed of, how do I respond? I’ve NEVER remained a “friend” of any ex ever, I like to think I’m on good terms with all of my ex’s, but I’ve simply just never had to interact with them again other than an occasional text or email or something, nothing serious what-so-ever.

If I’m overly kind, desperate to be friends, and god-forbid, apologetic for our failed “relationship”, I don’t see that going very well. If I’m rude and completely uninterested, I imagine I’ll appear to be quite the asshole and quite an unattractive human being.

I guess what I’m wondering is, people who have been in this situation… what’s your history/experience with this type of situation? Have you ever had success becoming friends with an ex, perhaps in a situation where pretty much everything you know about that person you learned while in some sort of physical relationship?

Is there any hope for friendship or peace between me and this girl? I think the reality of my situation is once I’m completely over being dumped, I’ll probably be uninterested in having any sort of further contact with her other than to manipulate her to feel bad for losing out on an awesome guy like me. Does that make me a shitty person, or just human? As of now, I feel like I'd like to be friends with her, as I mentioned above I did very much like this girl and it'd be a darn shame for us to never share smiles again as friends, but I'm not sure if that's in my nature.

Does this girl deserve my friendship? Do I deserve her friendship if I think I would just try and manipulate it?

Can people be friends after a relationship? Rarely. I do have a friendship with an x but its only because we never got to the I love you stage, and I just wasn't that in to him. It took over a year before we actually hung out.

There is no nice way of breaking it off with someone unless its completely mutual. When people say nice stuff like staying friends there could be an honest wish to do so, but it won't work if there are still feelings involved on either side. The reason people get mean at breakups is because when someone says something nice that person could cling to that and believe they could change the other persons mind if they just . . .

If a friendship can happen it wouldn't be for a long time, and then sometimes it's weird and awkward at first. The friendship I mentioned above, we have a deal that if we get serious our partners need to meet us to know that there is no funny business going on.

I think that if you try being friends you will probably try to get her back slowly and it would blow up in your face. Don't hold on to someone who doesn't want to hold on to you. That's my two cents.

Can people be friends after a relationship? Definitely. Right afterwards without a break? I doubt it unless it was simply a sexual thing with no strings attached. I'm friends with some of my ex-girlfriends but in all of those cases we had to stop talking for several months to a year for the whole friends thing to work again. Once we had both moved on with other people and other things in our lives it was a lot easier not to let the old feelings (bad and good) get in the way.

So yeah, generally speaking I think a break directly after a relationship is the best thing if you're both actually interested in a future friendship. If you force it, it's just gonna make things worse and you'll be ending it on much worse terms.

to be friends after a break up, you must be friends before the break up.
i am still close friends with 6 ex's. but not the last 2, 1 dropped off the face of the earth and went off the grid, the other played "global thermal nuclear war" during the break up and lost.

Thanks for the input.

I actually ran into her at a friend's house on Friday night. We had a pretty brief talk where she said something along the lines of "you came along at the perfect time, but i wasn't expecting anything serious", and she doubled down on the us being friends in the future... but we agreed that's a few months away.

This may sound kind of evil, but I hope next time I do see her she is overly friendly so I can be a cold, dis-interested bastard.

Posted by blitz Thanks for the input. I actually ran into her at a friend's house on Friday night. We had a pretty brief talk where she said something along the lines of "you came along at the perfect time, but i wasn't expecting anything serious", and she doubled down on the us being friends in the future... but we agreed that's a few months away. This may sound kind of evil, but I hope next time I do see her she is overly friendly so I can be a cold, dis-interested bastard.

Good luck with your uninterested scheme but don't discount the power of pussy. You obviously dig this chick and you're hurt she doesn't feel the same. My advice, don't go friend-zone, show her your obvious male attributes so that she cannot resist you. But don't get all rapey.

Posted by G to the Race show her your obvious male attributes

Isn't that generally referred to as "indecent exposure"?

Posted by G to the Race Good luck with your uninterested scheme but don't discount the power of pussy. You obviously dig this chick and you're hurt she doesn't feel the same. My advice, don't go friend-zone, show her your obvious male attributes so that she cannot resist you. But don't get all rapey.

Yeah... You're 100% right. But I'm curious, are you suggesting I show my "obvious male attributes" now or down the line when I inevitably see her? I assume you mean the latter, because the former is not happening after that convo from Friday. When you add the "don't get all rapey" it becomes even less clear.

I'm planning to steer clear of any sort of contact for a few weeks/months and then when I inevitably encounter her at her place or elsewhere, I'll either...

A. Get friend-zoned, because I won't care at that point
B. Refuse to be friend-zoned out of dis-interest and desire to maintain my dignity after being rather unceremoniously cast-aside
C. Get friend-zoned out of desperation
D. Bust out my obvious male attributes so she can't resist me

the likelihood of any of these four situations becoming reality?

A. 33%
B. 33%
C. 33%
D. .9%

Posted by blitz This may sound kind of evil, but I hope next time I do see her she is overly friendly so I can be a cold, dis-interested bastard.

I just want to say this is the wrong way to go about it, negativity breeds negativity and doesn't do anything for you in the long run except make you look like an asshole. It makes you feel good for a moment...but then what? You're getting satisfaction out of seeing someone hurt, and that's kind of shitty. We all see it but often fail to recognize it in ourselves.


Recently I was rejected by someone, we talked it out and in the end, it wasn't going to work out anyways, despite any interest on my part of his. But during the whole thing I realized something crucial: I want him in my life. When we like someone and have any sort of feeling towards someone, it often means we want that person in our life and were considering it for the long haul.

Does being dumped hurt? Of course it does. Does that mean they're wrong and you're right? No, of course not. I have played both sides of the card and from my experience, the one who got hurt makes the final call on being friends, because in the end it's their emotions that need to be dealt with. Ultimately, you wanted this girl in your life for some reason or another, and saying she wants to be friends means she does want you in hers to come capacity, though time is the telling factor in this.

With me and the guy I liked...he's now one of my closest friends and I know I can be candid with him without being judged. Maybe with time you will be on these same pages with this girl. You never really know til it happens. But for the love of all that's good, don't be a jerk. Creating negative feelings for negative feelings doesn't help either of you and is ultimately damaging, especially if she is in your friend circle in some capacity. Be strong and supportive, for a healthier relationship with everyone.

Posted by Astro I have played both sides of the card and from my experience, the one who got hurt makes the final call on being friends, because in the end it's their emotions that need to be dealt with. Ultimately, you wanted this girl in your life for some reason or another, and saying she wants to be friends means she does want you in hers to come capacity, though time is the telling factor in this. With me and the guy I liked...he's now one of my closest friends and I know I can be candid with him without being judged. Maybe with time you will be on these same pages with this girl. You never really know til it happens. But for the love of all that's good, don't be a jerk. Creating negative feelings for negative feelings doesn't help either of you and is ultimately damaging, especially if she is in your friend circle in some capacity. Be strong and supportive, for a healthier relationship with everyone.

Makes sense. I think time is completely of the essence, and the best thing to do is just lock it away & forget about it until I actually have to deal with it.

Astro's post did bring up a good point about being friends again after a relationship: you can be totally at ease and free with those people cause usually if it was a serious relationship, you know almost everything about each other and won't judge one another over anything. One of my ex girlfriends is like that with me so I go to her a lot for advice on those certain things that other people might judge me harshly on.

So yeah being friends again is great, you just can't force it and its generally not an idea to try it RIGHT after the relationship ends. And fight the urge to be a dick post-relationship. We all feel like we want to be disinterested and jerkish but it will just drive the other person away and probably give you some pretty bad social references down the line. I'm very guilty of that one and I regret it.

Posted by blitz Yeah... You're 100% right. But I'm curious, are you suggesting I show my "obvious male attributes" now or down the line when I inevitably see her? I assume you mean the latter, because the former is not happening after that convo from Friday. When you add the "don't get all rapey" it becomes even less clear. I'm planning to steer clear of any sort of contact for a few weeks/months and then when I inevitably encounter her at her place or elsewhere, I'll either... A. Get friend-zoned, because I won't care at that point B. Refuse to be friend-zoned out of dis-interest and desire to maintain my dignity after being rather unceremoniously cast-aside C. Get friend-zoned out of desperation D. Bust out my obvious male attributes so she can't resist me the likelihood of any of these four situations becoming reality? A. 33% B. 33% C. 33% D. .9%

You don't see her on the reg? That limits your opportunities greatly. What I meant was show your interest by being kinda alpha (hold the door for her, do the kids of stuff that shows you dig her). The "rapey" thing was a joke, but I wouldn't want you to just force yourself on her to show that you are interested in her physically.

My wife and I were first friends and then found that we liked each other enough to handle being alone together. Our advantage was neither of us went to the friendship w/another motive, at least I can say for sure I didn't. It was cool to find another person who kinda saw the world the way I did. If you have that w/this gal, hang on it could go places.

Posted by G to the Race You don't see her on the reg? That limits your opportunities greatly. What I meant was show your interest by being kinda alpha (hold the door for her, do the kids of stuff that shows you dig her). The "rapey" thing was a joke, but I wouldn't want you to just force yourself on her to show that you are interested in her physically.

Yeah we live like two hours away from each other. I'm in her neck of the woods at least twice a month for work, but we're uhh, not talking for at least a few weeks I guess? That was never really concretely established but for my sanity it doesn't really make much sense for us to be in touch, since we both made it pretty clear we had completely different expectations.

Posted by G to the Race My wife and I were first friends and then found that we liked each other enough to handle being alone together. Our advantage was neither of us went to the friendship w/another motive, at least I can say for sure I didn't. It was cool to find another person who kinda saw the world the way I did. If you have that w/this gal, hang on it could go places.

Honestly, I'm not going to "hang on" because I think that'd be counter productive and just make moving on with my life (in whatever direction) more complicated. I made it incredibly clear what my thoughts of her were (I wanna be with you), and she made hers incredibly clear (I liked being with you, but had no expectations of us being anything serious, lets be friends now), so continuing to poke at that scab will just make me look like a pretty desperate fool, I'd imagine.

When it comes down to it, we were never friends beforehand. We had a lot of mutual friends. The idea that a friendship between us could root from the ashes of our failed relationship seems kind of hard to grasp at this point.

Let me know if you think differently, but I'm pretty convinced the only way I can remain a sane, rational human being and deal with this situation is just take a step back and reflect & relax for a few weeks, and avoid any sort of contact because obviously nothing is going to change in the short-term. When I inevitably do encounter her again, hopefully I'm over the anger that makes me want to be an asshole, and I'm able to be myself so perhaps we can start over and become friends independently of any sort of past we may have had.

If that somehow happens and I'm still feeling the way I am today, well then that's when I'll make a move.

Posted by blitz Yeah we live like two hours away from each other. I'm in her neck of the woods at least twice a month for work, but we're uhh, not talking for at least a few weeks I guess? That was never really concretely established but for my sanity it doesn't really make much sense for us to be in touch, since we both made it pretty clear we had completely different expectations. Honestly, I'm not going to "hang on" because I think that'd be counter productive and just make moving on with my life (in whatever direction) more complicated. I made it incredibly clear what my thoughts of her were (I wanna be with you), and she made hers incredibly clear (I liked being with you, but had no expectations of us being anything serious, lets be friends now), so continuing to poke at that scab will just make me look like a pretty desperate fool, I'd imagine. When it comes down to it, we were never friends beforehand. We had a lot of mutual friends. The idea that a friendship between us could root from the ashes of our failed relationship seems kind of hard to grasp at this point. Let me know if you think differently, but I'm pretty convinced the only way I can remain a sane, rational human being and deal with this situation is just take a step back and reflect & relax for a few weeks, and avoid any sort of contact because obviously nothing is going to change in the short-term. When I inevitably do encounter her again, hopefully I'm over the anger that makes me want to be an asshole, and I'm able to be myself so perhaps we can start over and become friends independently of any sort of past we may have had. If that somehow happens and I'm still feeling the way I am today, well then that's when I'll make a move.

Good thinking. I was under the impression you were pining for her. I hate reading about folks who are just jonesing to be with someone and they don't do anything about it. Sounds like you have a grip on what you want to do and that's great. Continue to be fabulous and maybe she will come around. If not, her loss.