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UER Forum > Rookie Forum > parents and exploring (Viewed 6844 times)
sanctive 


Location: MSP
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parents and exploring
< on 12/18/2017 2:49 PM >
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So this is kind of a strange thing to talk about, but I wanted to get some more perspective on this. Sorry if it seems like I'm ranting about family issues.

Even though I'm legally an adult, I'm still at my parents house and they still have a substantial amount of jurisdiction over my doings. They've known I explore for the past year and haven't actively done anything to stop me, but now that's changing. My dad apparently is getting concerned that I'm trespassing too extensively and thinks I don't care about risking a misdemeanor or even a felony. He says if I want to keep exploring I have to find a way to do it legally, which pretty much just means I won't be able to do it anymore. I'm thinking I'm just gonna have to explore in secrecy from now on if I want to keep doing it. You guys have any suggestions? Any of you younger explorers experience shit like this?




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mahal 


Location: Atlanta, GA
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3:16

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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 1 on 12/18/2017 3:47 PM >
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If you want to do what they say you'll just have to resort to asking for permission. Find the owner and call. It isn't impossible, just annoying. I know people who follow the permission rule closely typically go after "for sale" properties that have been there for ever and no one has bought them yet (closed/foreclosed businesses, churches, old retail centers, etc). In which you'd just figure out the real estate agent and they probably won't care at all if you just pretend like you're actually interested.... or for you maybe looking /for/ your parents.




Steed 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 2 on 12/18/2017 5:09 PM >
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Obviously you need your parents' blessing, to some degree. Not sure how easy or hard this would be, but you should consider not so much lying to them, but keeping them in the dark on certain things.




Explorer Zero 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 3 on 12/18/2017 5:24 PM >
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Some people should only explore in "safe spaces" I reckon.

Lying to your Mommy and Daddy so they will let you go exploring like the big kids? WTF?

This whole trend towards lying to people instead of innovating and finding clever ways to get in has become an embarrassment.

What would Ninjalicious say?




[last edit 12/18/2017 5:25 PM by Explorer Zero - edited 1 times]

blackhawk 

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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 4 on 12/18/2017 6:05 PM >
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Posted by 2Xplorations


Some people should only explore in "safe spaces" I reckon.

Lying to your Mommy and Daddy so they will let you go exploring like the big kids? WTF?

This whole trend towards lying to people instead of innovating and finding clever ways to get in has become an embarrassment.

What would Ninjalicious say?




^truth^


I find this thread repugnant on a couple different levels.
Exploring how to lie to your mother/father isn't what this site is for or about.

Don't care about a felony arrest? Really?
Exploring the criminal justice system is a lousy hobby.
You will find it to be both time consuming and expensive in more ways than one.









Just when I thought I was out... they pulled me back in.
Lola AB 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 5 on 12/18/2017 6:05 PM >
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It's interesting because my situation is exactly the opposite. I'm the mom and my 21 yr old son who is back home for a few months has had "the talk" with me about being safe primarily. I think you have to find a balance since you're still at home but my question to you would be does your dad have a valid concern? Has your exploring changed in frequency? Types of explores etc? I have found myself getting comfortable and pushing limits and have had to check myself a few times. You don't have to answer any of that...just something to think about.

At the end of the day, try to remember he cares about you and doesn't want to see you in trouble with your life just beginning. How you go from there, maybe the younger people will have some thoughts. Good luck!




Explorer Zero 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 6 on 12/18/2017 6:18 PM >
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Posted by sanctive
So this is kind of a strange thing to talk about, but I wanted to get some more perspective on this. Sorry if it seems like I'm ranting about family issues.

Even though I'm legally an adult, I'm still at my parents house and they still have a substantial amount of jurisdiction over my doings.


Well theres your problem

I suppose it sounds kind of harsh and insensitive but why not get a friggin job, earn some money and move out. I dont understand millenials at all I guess.

You have time to go looking for bandos and browsing teh Internet but cant earn a pay check and rent an apartment?

Someone explain to me why that dilemma has become the new normal Im serious.




sanctive 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 7 on 12/18/2017 7:18 PM >
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Posted by 2Xplorations


Well theres your problem

I suppose it sounds kind of harsh and insensitive but why not get a friggin job, earn some money and move out. I dont understand millenials at all I guess.

You have time to go looking for bandos and browsing teh Internet but cant earn a pay check and rent an apartment?

Someone explain to me why that dilemma has become the new normal Im serious.


Why make assumptions based on broad stereotypes? I’m 18, have two jobs, and currently trying to replace my main job. I’d love to move out more than anything, but I have to be able to pay for college when I start next year.




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OH_ZOG_NO 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 8 on 12/18/2017 7:23 PM >
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Posted by 2Xplorations




I currently live at home it makes little financial sense to move out during your first few years of Uni if the opportunity to live at home presents itself. Lying to your parents is not gonna get you anywhere sanctive.



[last edit 12/18/2017 7:24 PM by OH_ZOG_NO - edited 1 times]

sanctive 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 9 on 12/18/2017 7:39 PM >
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I agree with y’all, I don’t want to have to flat out lie. I’ll probs just flat out find permission or just lay low with exploring for a bit.




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Soof 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 10 on 12/18/2017 10:26 PM >
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I think some people may be blowing out of proportion the feasibility/morality/effort involved in lying to parents. I'm in the same spot as you actually. I am a legal adult, I have a job, access to a car, living at home, going to college next year, yet parents still have the upper hand. (And I am not moving out until college because doing otherwise when only 18 and still in high school is not in any way a normality, obligation, or requirement). Lying isn't really that bad for someone like us. Here's an example:

There's this one site that I go to a bunch and it's directly next to a lake. Said lake has a beach and nice views and trails around it, so needless to say its a common spot for people looking to get outdoors. So sometimes when they ask where I'm going, I state that I went to the lake. Was it entirely a lie? No. Was it difficult to do? No. Was it morally unjust? No, although that is a determination made by you, not anyone else here. And did they buy it? Yup. If little white lies can relieve you of that hassle, I don't see what's so apparently repulsive about lying to "mommy and daddy." It's a valid issue and I can relate.

I only recently started exploring and probably haven't done as much as you, so my parents haven't become overly paranoid yet. They're aware that I've done some exploring, but I know it is definitely possible for them to end up with the mindset that your parents currently have. My two cents is that you should be the one to determine whether lying to your parents is such a bad thing or not. I personally don't, I've been doing it my whole life. I don't see myself as a bad person for it because I've stayed safe and haven't gotten caught doing anything stupid. If other people think otherwise, don't let them guilt you into it. Obviously, staying true and not lying will leave you with fewer options. But with college coming soon, taking a short break might not be the worst, as you already indicated

Just a couple of thoughts: If you give them false info, do they have any way of proving you wrong? In other words, does their skepticism/monitoring/jurisdiction go anywhere beyond merely asking you? Cuz I know some crazy parents these days track their kids and stuff like that. Because if they're only taking your word for it you could use that to your advantage. You could also find some middle ground and tell them (whether it's entirely true or not) that you'll only explore places that won't make you liable to huge repercussions, kinda try to come straight and tell them you're being careful and that you're well aware of the possible consequences.

Hope at least some of that helps.




Explorer Zero 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 11 on 12/18/2017 10:58 PM >
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Posted by sanctive


Why make assumptions based on broad stereotypes? I’m 18, have two jobs, and currently trying to replace my main job. I’d love to move out more than anything, but I have to be able to pay for college when I start next year.


well that's different then

youre probably the first guy to have to work his way through college I guess

not my business but sounds like you have chosen to stay home

good luck




sanctive 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 12 on 12/19/2017 4:21 AM >
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Posted by 2Xplorations


well that's different then

youre probably the first guy to have to work his way through college I guess

not my business but sounds like you have chosen to stay home

good luck


I don't understand, you're saying most people don't work through college? I would think most people would and also would stay home if they could. It makes no sense to move out during college when there's really no reason for it.

Posted by Soof
I think some people may be blowing out of proportion the feasibility/morality/effort involved in lying to parents. I'm in the same spot as you actually. I am a legal adult, I have a job, access to a car, living at home, going to college next year, yet parents still have the upper hand. (And I am not moving out until college because doing otherwise when only 18 and still in high school is not in any way a normality, obligation, or requirement). Lying isn't really that bad for someone like us. Here's an example:

There's this one site that I go to a bunch and it's directly next to a lake. Said lake has a beach and nice views and trails around it, so needless to say its a common spot for people looking to get outdoors. So sometimes when they ask where I'm going, I state that I went to the lake. Was it entirely a lie? No. Was it difficult to do? No. Was it morally unjust? No, although that is a determination made by you, not anyone else here. And did they buy it? Yup. If little white lies can relieve you of that hassle, I don't see what's so apparently repulsive about lying to "mommy and daddy." It's a valid issue and I can relate.

I only recently started exploring and probably haven't done as much as you, so my parents haven't become overly paranoid yet. They're aware that I've done some exploring, but I know it is definitely possible for them to end up with the mindset that your parents currently have. My two cents is that you should be the one to determine whether lying to your parents is such a bad thing or not. I personally don't, I've been doing it my whole life. I don't see myself as a bad person for it because I've stayed safe and haven't gotten caught doing anything stupid. If other people think otherwise, don't let them guilt you into it. Obviously, staying true and not lying will leave you with fewer options. But with college coming soon, taking a short break might not be the worst, as you already indicated

Just a couple of thoughts: If you give them false info, do they have any way of proving you wrong? In other words, does their skepticism/monitoring/jurisdiction go anywhere beyond merely asking you? Cuz I know some crazy parents these days track their kids and stuff like that. Because if they're only taking your word for it you could use that to your advantage. You could also find some middle ground and tell them (whether it's entirely true or not) that you'll only explore places that won't make you liable to huge repercussions, kinda try to come straight and tell them you're being careful and that you're well aware of the possible consequences.

Hope at least some of that helps.


Thanks for this man. I do agree for the most part with what you're saying. Call me a square, but I feel so horrible every time I slip behind their back about shit. I do like your approach of making clever lies to slip by. We'll see what happens, but thanks again.



[last edit 12/19/2017 4:27 AM by sanctive - edited 1 times]

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Aran 


Location: Kansas City
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Huh. I guess covid made me a trendsetter.

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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 13 on 12/19/2017 4:42 PM >
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Frankly, I think people in this thread are coming down on you rather harshly. I wouldn't advocate lying to your parents since it doesn't fit with your morals. That said, I was in a similar place as you once. The difference was, my parents never knew I explore, and to this day they don't. It simply wasn't something they needed to know. I never lied- I merely never brought it up in conversation.

Since I didn't even need to ask to know they'd never give permission for exploring out of town, I decided to explore my home town in depth. There's often much more in any town than might appear at first glance. Things got easier after I moved to college, of course. My parents don't have any input as to where I go or when I explore- my only limiting factors are time and transportation.

I'd recommend exploring closer to home for the next six months or so, and then you'll be free to explore where you want once you move to college.




"Sorry, I didn't know I'm not supposed to be here," he said, knowing full well he wasn't supposed to be there.

Subejio 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 14 on 12/19/2017 5:02 PM >
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Posted by 2Xplorations


well that's different then

youre probably the first guy to have to work his way through college I guess

not my business but sounds like you have chosen to stay home

good luck


The times, they are a-changing, good sir. Most kids going through college today that didn't finagle a full ride somehow, are working their way through. If they're going to anything better than the local community college, they're almost guaranteed to be going into 5-digit debt for it, what with scholarships getting more restrictive and colleges getting more expensive. Working where you can to try and minimize that debt is very much the new norm.

Posted by sanctive
I'm thinking I'm just gonna have to explore in secrecy from now on if I want to keep doing it. You guys have any suggestions? Any of you younger explorers experience shit like this?


I'm not long out of college myself. I did some exploration while I was still in High School, and I kept my parents in the dark far more than I should have. I'd heartily recommend not lying to them. Beyond the moral implications (which are debatable), since you're living at home I'm willing to bet they're financially supporting you in more ways than rent (keeping you on their cell plan? On their insurance? Or- God help you- helping you make payments on a car, or even letting you use THEIR car?). You WILL get caught eventually, and when you do, they're likely going to feel the need to flex their muscles financially to stop you from potentially racking up something as life-ruining as a felony. An adult getting his keys taken away by his parents is just depressing.

So, firstly I'd recommend having a sit-down with them to discuss the actual dangers; it's possible they've blown it out of proportion in their minds (not that this is a particularly SAFE hobby though, to be fair...). If they won't budge, then you're left with two options: either stick to asking permission from the owner and/or exploring publicly accessible sites only, or hold off entirely and get out from under their roof when you can. You're going to college, after all; getting a dorm room at the college may be an expensive option, but at least you're saving on gas/bus fare. Plus, the most valuable thing I got at college were the connections, anyway (particularly with my roommate and hall mates).



[last edit 12/19/2017 5:04 PM by Subejio - edited 1 times]

NotBatman 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 15 on 12/19/2017 5:47 PM >
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As a parent (hell, as a son) bear in mind the potential damage you can do to the relationship if you lose your parent's trust.

When I was a kid, my parents knew that I was exploring caves and tunnels, but the '80's were... different. What helped is having an honest conversation and letting them know that I wasn't doing anything *deliberately* stupid, and that I wasn't taking unnecessary risks. That I was doing everything I could to minimize risks as best I could.

Have that conversation and be upfront about it. Offer to show them an easy, low risk cave or storm drain. If you're not doing it in stupid ways, bring them with you when you try a roof or when you peel off into the "less public" areas of an active building. If they're amenable and they can see some of the simple fun of it, and if you can respect a few potential ground-rules, that might be your best way forward.

And hell, if all else fails, abandoned buildings and sewers aren't the be-all end-all and true "exploring" is really a WIDE-open subject. The city has a ton of neat, hidden pockets that aren't strictly trespassing, but that a lot of people never see, either. There's a ton of nature to explore and back-roads to discover.

Personally, "exploring" is more about getting out and having a bit of an adventure, trying something new, trying to find something *different*.

Someone said that real exploring is just an exaggerated sense of "hey, what's that over there?" It doesn't have to be synonymous with trespassing.




I'm a "Leave only footprints, take only pornography" kind of guy, myself.
sanctive 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 16 on 12/19/2017 10:49 PM >
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Posted by Aran
Frankly, I think people in this thread are coming down on you rather harshly. I wouldn't advocate lying to your parents since it doesn't fit with your morals. That said, I was in a similar place as you once. The difference was, my parents never knew I explore, and to this day they don't. It simply wasn't something they needed to know. I never lied- I merely never brought it up in conversation.

Since I didn't even need to ask to know they'd never give permission for exploring out of town, I decided to explore my home town in depth. There's often much more in any town than might appear at first glance. Things got easier after I moved to college, of course. My parents don't have any input as to where I go or when I explore- my only limiting factors are time and transportation.

I'd recommend exploring closer to home for the next six months or so, and then you'll be free to explore where you want once you move to college.


I definitely would have tried to be more discrete about it if I could go back in time. The one thing that's unfortunate about next year is that I'll be going to community college, so I'm really not able to move out quite yet. Hopefully though my parents will see me as much more independent then despite still being at home and maybe I'll be able to do more. Thanks for your input Aran.




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EPOCH6 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 17 on 12/20/2017 8:09 AM >
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I didn't start putting any significant time into exploring until a few years after I had left home. I never hid it from them, I'd often share my stories with them the next day, didn't take long for them to grow concerned but it never escalated beyond "Sometimes I worry that you'll disappear and we won't be able to find you, be careful out there".

Eventually I found ways to take them with me so that I could show them the appeal, usually by pitching the idea of taking a few short detours along the way during a road trip to visit family. I'd throw it out there as an opportunity to have a couple of crazy stories to share when we got to our destination. They bit, and after the first time, they've been ready and willing to do it again. I now do annual exploration road trips from BC to AB with my mother and just got back from a Death Valley exploration with my father and uncle earlier this month.

The trick is to find a way to pass the bug on to them.




Lola AB 


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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 18 on 12/20/2017 4:06 PM >
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Posted by NotBatman
As a parent (hell, as a son) bear in mind the potential damage you can do to the relationship if you lose your parent's trust.

When I was a kid, my parents knew that I was exploring caves and tunnels, but the '80's were... different. What helped is having an honest conversation and letting them know that I wasn't doing anything *deliberately* stupid, and that I wasn't taking unnecessary risks. That I was doing everything I could to minimize risks as best I could.

Have that conversation and be upfront about it. Offer to show them an easy, low risk cave or storm drain. If you're not doing it in stupid ways, bring them with you when you try a roof or when you peel off into the "less public" areas of an active building. If they're amenable and they can see some of the simple fun of it, and if you can respect a few potential ground-rules, that might be your best way forward.

And hell, if all else fails, abandoned buildings and sewers aren't the be-all end-all and true "exploring" is really a WIDE-open subject. The city has a ton of neat, hidden pockets that aren't strictly trespassing, but that a lot of people never see, either. There's a ton of nature to explore and back-roads to discover.

Personally, "exploring" is more about getting out and having a bit of an adventure, trying something new, trying to find something *different*.

Someone said that real exploring is just an exaggerated sense of "hey, what's that over there?" It doesn't have to be synonymous with trespassing.


I think this is really great advice. I've been thinking about this thread a lot since you posted it!

I just wanted to add that as a parent (and I'm that parent who is out exploring and doing those types of things) the transition from teenager to adulthood is very hard! Especially if you're still living at home, which is normal these days because the cost of living is so high. I remember my son actually saying to me "I'm an adult now mom" and it really hit me that I was going to have to adjust how I view things and re-nogotiate our relationship. I also remember thinking why didn't anyone tell me this would be so hard? Even now, he's home for a few months after living abroad for 3 years and I still check to see if he made it home safe. I just don't tell him lol

Ultimately, I guess my point is your parents will adjust. They may not adjust to full on exploring in the way you wrote about but they'll eventually adjust to you being an adult and making your own decisions. In the end, parents just want their kids to be safe and have the best future possible. Talking to them about the issue or about more freedom in general, demonstrates that maturity and independence. I'm not sure what the best course of action is in terms of exploring for your specific situation but you'll figure it out.




blackhawk 

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Re: parents and exploring
< Reply # 19 on 12/20/2017 5:31 PM >
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Posted by sanctive


Why make assumptions based on broad stereotypes? I’m 18, have two jobs, and currently trying to replace my main job. I’d love to move out more than anything, but I have to be able to pay for college when I start next year.


Not an assumption. You stated it yourself.
As adult your business priorities and good name come before any hobby.
A felony conviction will preclude you from federal jobs, the ability to obtain a $ecurity clearance, a hazmat endorsement, most likely military service and more.

The best locations I ever splored and shot except 2 were with full permission...




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