I moved away from the state my family lives in to come to Cali. It was planned, I didn't leave on bad terms. I call my family all the time. In fact apparently too much, so I stopped calling all the time.

My mom is busy and so I don't get too many phone calls. Then the other day in the middle of a conversation she goes "Oh did I tell you Grandma _______ died"....

No.
NO.
NO ONE TOLD ME.

Everyone has my phone number. No one called. "When?" I ask.

"A couple of weeks ago. I didn't call because I figured you have stuff going on."

Okay. Give me a break. When the computer breaks, she calls me. When my grandmother dies, she waits a few weeks and inserts it abruptly into a conversation about whtever.

Nice.

I think it should have been MY decision to go to the funeral, not hers. I get the feeling that even had I been in Michigan it would have been the same way. After all, she didn't go to the funeral so in her line of thinking, why would I want to??? I don't know.

And yes I did talk to her in those weeks. At least a few times a week.

L

wow... if that happened to me, no matter how childish it would seem, I would not talk to my mom for a long long time after that. That is just fucking rude of her..

Wow. that totally sucks.

I'm guessing that this wasn't your mother's mom?

Posted by Debi Wow. that totally sucks. I'm guessing that this wasn't your mother's mom?

No. But she was the one who visited her in the home.....not my dad (funny enough). She seriously thinks she's right about not mentioning that kind of stuff. Really makes me mad.

L

Families fuck you up. No one is immune. All families are psychotic.

KK, you can say that again.
I can sympathize.
My father passed away in 1976, my mom packed us all up shortly after and my grandfather drove us across the country from Springer, New Mexico to where I live now, Witherbee, NY.
About a year ago, my sister was doing some family tree research just to show her husband a few things and she came across my cousin Gigi's site on a family tree site. Well...I found out my uncle and at least two other family members had died in the past two years.
What got me is that my grandmother has had the same telephone number for over 40 years and they have that telephone number, it was left with my aunt Glenda, who never lost or forgot anything and nobody could call and at least tell us, "Oh...so in so died."
What's a trip is that I found out that my paternal grandmother died in 1990...and I had to find out through the Social Security systems death register. Again, nobody bothered to call us.
What really irked me about all of this is that I send flowers to my father's grave site every February for his birthday, as I have for the past 15 years through the cemetery.
So it's not like no one could find me, most of my father's family is buried at the same cemetery in Springer and the caretaker has my phone number and address in his records.
On top of it all, when my father died, my mother went and found my grandfather's grave site at the cemetery and bought a plot right next to him for my father. My father's family never put a headstone in for my grandfather, which is why my mom went and found his grave, so that he and my dad could share a headstone because we really didn't have the money to just buy a separate one, but she felt that my grandfather should at least have something more than just a little mossy marble marker with the name "Cooper" on it. The only good thing is that she only had to pay for the engraving for my grandfather, the US government took care of the rest.
Anyway, families are fucked up...in my case, both sides are...but my father's side is no doubt worse.

Shael

Posted by Shael KK, you can say that again. I can sympathize. My father passed away in 1976, my mom packed us all up shortly after and my grandfather drove us across the country from Springer, New Mexico to where I live now, Witherbee, NY. About a year ago, my sister was doing some family tree research just to show her husband a few things and she came across my cousin Gigi's site on a family tree site. Well...I found out my uncle and at least two other family members had died in the past two years. What got me is that my grandmother has had the same telephone number for over 40 years and they have that telephone number, it was left with my aunt Glenda, who never lost or forgot anything and nobody could call and at least tell us, "Oh...so in so died." What's a trip is that I found out that my paternal grandmother died in 1990...and I had to find out through the Social Security systems death register. Again, nobody bothered to call us. What really irked me about all of this is that I send flowers to my father's grave site every February for his birthday, as I have for the past 15 years through the cemetery. So it's not like no one could find me, most of my father's family is buried at the same cemetery in Springer and the caretaker has my phone number and address in his records. On top of it all, when my father died, my mother went and found my grandfather's grave site at the cemetery and bought a plot right next to him for my father. My father's family never put a headstone in for my grandfather, which is why my mom went and found his grave, so that he and my dad could share a headstone because we really didn't have the money to just buy a separate one, but she felt that my grandfather should at least have something more than just a little mossy marble marker with the name "Cooper" on it. The only good thing is that she only had to pay for the engraving for my grandfather, the US government took care of the rest. Anyway, families are fucked up...in my case, both sides are...but my father's side is no doubt worse. Shael

My fiance's brother was "long lost" and the side of the family with money never hired anyone to find him. I searched SS indexes this spring to find that he had passed away (I did have to do some NYC searching, and not all indexes had the right info). He had passed away the same time in 2008 as my fiance's mother.

We contacted the other side of the family and they found out that way (just relatives that are living north of us currently). The thing is, his mom isn't in ANY SSI.....no where.

I think the other side of the family never claimed her death and is still claiming her as a dependent for money. Isn't that nice.

L

Posted by sandaili My fiance's brother was "long lost" and the side of the family with money never hired anyone to find him. I searched SS indexes this spring to find that he had passed away (I did have to do some NYC searching, and not all indexes had the right info). He had passed away the same time in 2008 as my fiance's mother. We contacted the other side of the family and they found out that way (just relatives that are living north of us currently). The thing is, his mom isn't in ANY SSI.....no where. I think the other side of the family never claimed her death and is still claiming her as a dependent for money. Isn't that nice. L

That sounds like something my father's side of the family would do.
When we left NM, we left my father's brand new 1975 Ford truck, a rebuilt 1962 Ford Truck and everything that we couldn't pack in the cars.
My father was an avid hunter and fisherman, he had a huge rifle and shotgun collection, as well as fishing gear and poles of all shapes and sizes, also he raised and broke horses as a side profession and he had a large collection of tack and saddles for his horses, also he had two registered American quarterhorses. As well as a rather large acoustic guitar collection...needless to say, we came home from the funeral to the house and started getting ready to come back here...and my father's family had already begun stealing things out of the house. My mom was upset and she was out of it, but in the span of two or three hours, they managed to take nearly everything that had any real value. Pleading that my father would have wanted them to have it. Which was bullshit and still is. My father wasn't even cold and buried in the ground yet.
My father's mother even tried to get my mom to come live with her when she found out that the VA and Social Security were going to take care of us monetarily until we turned 18.
There were bogus VA benefit applications filed after we left, on behalf of my half brothers and sisters, which made my application for school benefits take all the longer.
My mom managed to sell the house and a few of the things...but the trucks sat there because she took the keys with her...I still hope to this day the fucking wheels rotted off before those bastards could drive them...although, I know it probably didn't happen.

Shael

Wow. That totally sucks. Same thing kinda happened with my mom's family. 12 kids, none of which would take care of their mom, my mom took care of her until she kept leaving the stove on and falling down. The state said because she was power of attourney, she should put her in a home before she burned her house down (several fires started) and so she began the process of having grandma live with us. Grandma didn't want to....

My mom found an AWESOME home that had activities non-stop 24 hours a day, in Muskegon. This place was great - active people, physical therapy, things to do, etc. Not just bingo, but movies, people to talk to, places to go, stuff like that. Well she was having a great time but since a few kids had issues with the place, being about 30 minutes away from them, (it was 30 minutes away fro my mom's house too) they petitioned the court to have her moved to a home closer to them.

The moved her to a fucking stroke unit. Her roomate wouldn't talk to her. No one did anything. They had a parakeet there. I mean, there was nothing to do ever. She became depressed, stopped eating, and died.

During that whole time my mom had access to my grandma's house. She never took a single thing. Kids tried breaking in once with no luck. Then when she died, the will said that only my mom was allowed to have anything (because the other kids had took grandma's dog and shot it in the woods because they said the dog was pushign on her and going to hurt her). After that my grandma had become very angry with them, and put a restraining order against everyone and put them out of the will, and any money they were going to get was donated to the Humane Society in their names....

Well, the court refused to recognize it and everyone was allowed to strip the house of possessions in a frenzied race. My mom got nothing. None of them shared the baby pictures with her, her things that Grandma had, and all the things that she bought grandma for use in the nursing home were stolen during grandma's stay (for example, a blanket bought for her that was 80 bucks, was taken by my mom's sister the next day).

If you are power of attorney and you have no money for a lawyer, the judge can just decide whatever he wants. That's how it goes.

In hindsight my mom wishes she would have at least found the pictures and got them before everything was done and said, but that would have been wrong...so she didn't do that. I wish she had and so does she.

Oh and then a few months later the family members had a big yard sale without letting my mom know and sold all the stuff they didn't want to strangers.

I feel for you....I think I understand a lot of it too. Life sucks and family can really, really suck.

L

Exactly.
I mean, my father actually was a hell of a singer/songwriter, even sold a few songs over 20 or 30 years, also almost signed a recording contract in Nashville, which he didn't because his heart was with the Air Force and his first wife said that he shouldn't, so he listened to her. What bothers me is he had probably hundreds or thousands of hours of reel to reel tapes that we had to leave behind and a very nice recorder/player. I would have loved to have had those.
Even though I was very young when he died, I was very close to him and there are items I wish I would have been able to take with us, like his 1890 Winchester shotgun that hung over the fireplace, his favorite saddle, those tapes, his fly fishing poles, just stuff that meant a lot to him that I really wanted to have.
What really got me is there's a story my mom tells sometimes, my grandmother and her were at the mortuary, bringing clothes for my father to be buried in, he had insisted that he be buried in his dress uniform, so my mother brought it down there with my grandmother and the mortician asked if she wanted his wedding ring and watch buried with him. My mom said yes, my grandmother looked at her horrified and asked her if she could have the items rather than my father be buried with them.
The old bitch would have taken the gold fillings out of his mouth if she could have.
My whole issue is there's one person on that side of the family that I wanted to keep in contact with. My uncle Tommy. He was a Colonel in the Army when he retired and he passed away about three years ago. He and my father could have been twins and I wanted to see him, just once. Because I don't remember what my father looked like. I have some photos, very few, and I wanted to talk to my uncle at least once about my father. Sentimental, I know, but when I was a kid...I kept mistaking my uncle Tommy for my father, I didn't realize that he wasn't ever coming home for a very long time.
It was a knife through my heart when I found out he'd died because I never got the chance to have that talk or see him. It still hurts and that's what hurts about it most of all. It would have given me some form of closure and maybe let the pain heal, because it still hasn't, even after over 30 years. I know I was really young when my father died, but when you don't know and people shield you from what really happened and years later you wonder why a wound hasn't healed...well, let's just say it really fucked me up but good and maybe this would have helped.

Shael