Years ago, when I was first doing this whole "exploring abandoned buildings" thing that so many people on this forum are on about, I found a VHS tape that changed my life. I was just starting to get into the whole "edit films" thing, and had made a discovery of an amazing video artist by the name of animalcharm. The way this motherfucker edited videos dramatically warped my brain in such a way that I get exactly what he is about as an artist.

As for the tape; I found a strange tape of Kelsey Grammar selling a absolutely bizarre product. It is some sort of fastening system that would never be sold to the general public. I took this footage and reedited it with natives slaughtering pigs. Hilarity ensued, but not one motherfucker would take me seriously enough to show it publicly. What ever: at least I learned video editing by doing the project so it wasn't a loss.

Flash forward to last week. I went to see a band and ended up getting a screening of the project with the artist that I idolized. I was really looking forward to the show as I would finally get to meet this motherfucker, and as luck would have it, get to see the videos of several other artist I absolutely admire.

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The video exhibition came and went, and, to be frank, I disliked most of the work. Given, there were a few moments of absolute genius, but, overall, it sucked. I met Mr. charm and he declined my offer of video terrorism. That was a crushing blow. I had this whole action planned out: I got plans to a major video facility and could easily drop a DVD into the mix which would subvert countless tens of people at the very least. I really wanted another artist in on it.

If there is one thing that I would use to justify my life on my deathbed it would go something like "well, at least I subverted such and such number of folks to my warped world view." But the artist I adored declined my offer of culture jamming. That was a huge disappointment. Also, tonight I was called out on pretension, and I think rightly so. Even after a major identity crisis on acid I still don't know what from what. I' more or less having panic attacks over this whole thing. Yes, I hate the motherfuckers that went to art school, but I'm just as trapped into that whole system as they are. I don't want to have to "swim against the grain."

This is all bullshit, and I am both pissed off and let down by the events of the last few weeks. Thank you for letting me vent. As soon as I am able to I will exile myself from my social network to live in a mine. No really, that is in my agenda. Fuck off back to the pale.

edit: I am also pissed off that I am out of scotch. Now, that is something to really be upset about.

As the late Randy Pausch said, barriers are there to show how much we want something.

Do it anyways. Nothing beats successfully pulling that sorta stuff off - that's how I survived college.