Well, I'm sure I said something somewhere.

I lost my grandmother last month. I cried, sure, but I don't know why it really didn't affect me quite as badly as others have.

Sometimes I feel bad that it didn't. Almost guilty. I moved on, I knew it was coming for some reason and it really didn't get me the way it did my mom or others. I expected to wake up one morning and have someone tell me that she was gone.

What's worse, I expect that with everyone, my family, my friends, Samurai. The worst part of it all is that I don't know why.

Christmastime makes it worse. I usually end up in abject fear of waking up one morning and finding my mom dead on the couch in the living room until the holiday season's over. I've always been this way, I thought it was something to do with my father's death. But that's not it, I dealt with that a long time ago.

Sam wonders why I walk around with this dark cloud around me sometimes, maybe that has something to do with it. I know I have abandonment issues, but this gets to the point bordering on ridiculous. I've seen therapists, I've been to a psychiatrist or two and I get the same answer, that it's just something I need to work through. Sometimes I think it's the flash of intuition I get, something inside me just knows something bad is going to happen. I see things and hear things in dreams, I know things I shouldn't know and it makes things ten times worse. Maybe I'm just loony anyway, but this scares me to death, usually. It's like I knew my grandmother was going to die, so I dealt with it before hand or something. I honestly don't know what it is.

All I can really say is, Christmas is going to suck this year, big time.

Is it like this for anybody else or am I the only one?

Shael

My husband sounds a lot like you. He lost his dad to suicide around Christmas about 10 years ago - and it's always hanging over his head. The dread of something else happening, guilt for not feeling the way people think he should feel...

You aren't a loon - you're a human being. It's okay to be you.

((hugs))

Wow!
I thought I was strange because after My grandparents, a couple of pets, some friends, and a stepmother all passed away thru the years. I began to notice a trend, People get old, people die.

I saw that my parents were both getting along in years. I was going to face this down like a grownup, like a man. I vowed to spend more time with each of them, to tell them that I loved them everytime we said our goodbys.

I always kept in the back of my mind, one day it will end, be ready be strong. We had a great ten years, I got to know them as wonderful people and cherished their love, guidance and friendship.

But it ended, they both died 2 months apart, and all the prep work I had done to steel myself against it didn't lessen the pain like I had hoped,

It sucks dog ass to not have them around for my daughter, son, and grandkids. A few regrets, not many. I'm thankful for the time I had with them.

I've read your posts, I wish all of you Health, Happiness, and Healing.

In my case, I got an answer a few weeks ago.

I had a visit with my sister's therapist. Something I did a little reading on just stuck in my head for some reason, so I made an appointment.

I've always been different, grief never quite hit me as hard as everybody else and I never really knew why. Sam and I have talked about it, extensively. He doesn't like me talking about it in public, and my mother denies it even exists, but I have a mild disorder that I suspected for years, but it never really affected me badly until recently. My grandmother's death brought it to the surface.

When I was a kid, no one had any clue about Asperger's Syndrome. Everyone thought my problems were like Einstein, he could do complex calculus, but couldn't tie his shoes, same with Edison and other brilliant people. I still have trouble tying my shoes, to this day. I have trouble with a lot of physically coordinated activities, it's like I'm going through the awkward stages of growing up all over again. I did get a positive diagnosis a few weeks ago, the therapist I saw spoke with the psychiatrist at the facility and he confirmed it. It explains a lot of my issues with grieving. For the longest time I thought I just built a wall against this stuff, but it turns out it's part of this whole thing. It never affected me that profoundly where anyone, like teachers or other people I dealt with believed I needed help, so it went undiagnosed. Basically, I have all the symptoms but one or two of the big life ruining ones, but I have enough of them to where the therapist and the psychiatrist believe that I have Asperger's.

I told the therapist I don't want meds, I don't feel I need them, I don't have any major life issues that would warrant them that Sam and I can't work through. Besides, the meds would only make it worse.

Shael

Yes stay away from medications if you can, My wife is on Paxil, I can hardly remember what she used to be like. Sam seems to be very sharp, that's agood trait in a partner, Aspergers traits include repetitive interests, I think you should get interested in something you enjoy, but can make a ton of money at.
That way you can keep you and Sam up to your eyeballs in really cool cars, among other things. Good health to you both.