you know, after watching Clerks II, all i can really say is that once you get past the comedy and the immediate problems of the characters themselves, the movie is about the situation that people my age face. Sincerely, it's like wow, you're over 30 now, what have you done with your life? This is the kind of shit that keeps me up all hours of the night.

It's honestly like you're expected to fit in this little life box... go to school, graduate, go to college, pick a woooooooonderful career that you can spend the rest of your life doing, graduate from college, get a job, get a wife, buy a house, have kids, get a dog... and if you rebel against that uniquely american backstory, you're a failure.

it's funny... i turned 36 yesterday and here I am in my life at a juncture where I am supposed to have a wife and kids and a dog and a career. Even if I wasn't gay, I still wouldn't want any of that life. I work pretty much a dead end job my father worked for 31 years, i live with my mom, i drive a car that a teenager would drive and still have the gall, despite my age, to wear my hat backwards from time to time. I drive Shaels' parents nuts because of my refusal to stop wearing my immense jersey collection and dress like a 40 year old redneck. So what's right and what's wrong?

We can sit here, get all liberal and tell each other that whatever we choose is right for us, but we all know that's bullshit. Expectations sometimes can be so stifling. On e glaring realization I've made, and this movie kind of illustrated it, is how lost my generation is. We are. How many of you out there are close to my age? Doesn't it feel like people our age are lost, even the successful ones, the ones that had all the road maps and cheat codes? I can't put my finger on what that 'lost' is all about. What did we lose, or how are we lost and why can't any of us really get un-lost?

Anyways, it's 4am, i'm dosed on painkillers and half out of my head, but this has been bugging me for a couple of hours.

Happy birthday, Sam. I hope you had a good day. <3

May I please have some of your pain killers?

Also, though married, I'm not exactly living that life either, and I'm totally comfortable with it. We can be non-conformists together.

Sam, forget the destination, focus on the journey.

Sam, I told you this when we first met and started talking about things...you don't have to do anything the way anyone else does it and it's as true now as it was 2 years ago. Also, if you wake up one day and figure out what you want is something a little more conventional or less conventional than what you've got now...that's okay too.

Lord knows I haven't done one damn thing the same way anybody else I look at around me has. My cousin's married, my other cousin, who's practically a male whore, is engaged. My sister is married with a kid.

I'm with you and we haven't killed each other yet, so I think we're doing okay. Sure, we have our problems, some of them bigger than others and some of them don't have any answers or any fix to them, but we're doing okay.

I had my crisis back in March when I turned 35. I spent about a month as a basket case, you remember, I'm sure.

My parents accept you, they have no other choice and I won't give them any other choice...so understand that. They know you're not going anywhere any time soon, so don't worry about that so much.

I think what happened to us is this...we had a choice, it's not that we made the wrong choice, we just had too much of a choice. 40 years ago, you did what you were expected to do and that was that. When we had the choice, what was considered normal didn't fit. Nothing in this world is one size fits all. So, for what it's worth, you make your own way and figure it out for yourself. Most of us are wandering around without a clue. I know I am. I know what I want in everything but what I want to do with my life but getting it is another matter, so I wander, same as everybody else and try to make the best of what I have.

There is no Prince Charming...that much I'm sure of, so you pick up and keep the first frog that comes along that treats you decently and isn't a total fuck up. There is also no happily ever after...there's just tomorrow, when you have to roll out of bed and look at yourself in the mirror and if you can still do that, I'd say you're doing okay.

My apologies for not editing...I've been up for almost 24 hours, my thought processes are getting muddy.

Shael

Shael,

I think you are top drawer!! If I weren't already married to a great girl, that shares a lot of the same qualities that you do, I would sooo fly out there in my private jet and kidnap you.

Sam,

You gotta get out of this funk!! Kurtz is so right it's about the journey, not the destination, and we all know that the destination, in reality is the long dirt nap!!! I have seen so many people waste what little time they've had.

Sometimes you've got to force yourself to not be miserable, sometimes it's a real bitch, reach back and pull out some of that youthful exuberance that we all were once so full of.

Chase down your health, grab that little fucker by the throat, and don,t let go! Put him on a short leash, keep him close.

You,ve got a treasure in shael, I don't care about your orientation, Give that girl a baby!!!!! Do it before menopause turns sweet Shael into a raging inferno of pissed off man hating emotions. (luv ya Shael)

You are right where you are meant to be, Go ride your skate board PUSSY!!!!