I want fucking kids. I changed my mind. I'm a little disgusted with myself for being the stereotype and deciding I want kids as I round the thirties, but I fucking do.

But I'm not going to have them.

The divorce rate's bad. It's not getting better. And the dating scene is great at my age if you're looking for sex, but it's not so hot if you're looking for girlfriend or wife material. All the good ones are taken.

I don't believe, like most people, that I'm special. If I got married, the odds are I will end up divorced, like most people.

That's an acceptable risk, if you're not planning to have children. But, my parents are both on their third marriages. They put me through hell as a kid with their unstable relationships, the boyfriends and girlfriends. And my father's still a broken man for not being able to raise his children in his own home the way he wanted.

At this point, I'd love to have children and a family, but I'd rather die than go through what my father went through. I can't even imagine being a weekend dad. I would want my children to live with me and to see them every day. Knowing they were living their mother while she brings abusive boyfriends and chaos in and out of their lives, etc.

Fuck that. I'm willing to risk divorce for myself. I'm not willing to risk having kids and putting them through what I went through.

So yeah, that's my bitch. I have full on changed my mind, but I'm just going to keep on having random, meaningless sex for the rest of my life. FUN.

I know how you feel. I've never seen a successful marriage in my life. Even from the time I was born, my biological parents planned to marry, but then realized that maybe having a kid wasn't the best idea. Three years later my adoptive parents call it quites. More like my father decided that maybe adopting a kid wasn't the best idea after all. My grandparents were married "'till death", but were absolutely miserable together even though they were pro's at hiding it. Back then, divorce was something you just didn't do.

My mother still hasn't gotten remarried. She almost did, but he died. She hasn't been with anyone since. Half of my friends parents are divorced. If they aren't, one (or both) cheat on each other and/or hate each other.

So yeah, the happy family scenario will most likely never pan out for me either. It took me long enough to figure out how to maintain a stable/loving relationship as it is. I love my boyfriend to death, but if we were to get married, it would probably end up in a divorce also. (Thus why we won't even bother).

The idea of having a kid, no matter how against it I am, is enticing. I love the thought of being able to teach my spawn how to draw/paint, showing them what it's like to explore abandoned buildings, or even the motherly aspect of carrying a child in the womb. I know I'm capable of loving a child, but if they ever went through even a miniscule fraction of the traumatic bullshit that I went through, I'd never forgive myself.

So yeah, we have a similar rant.

Posted by Oryx I've never seen a successful marriage in my life.

My paternal grandparents had one, but I think it was a fluke. They got married when my grandmother was 15 and were married for almost sixty years. They were actually happy and loved each other. My grandmother died and then my grandfather died six months later of a broken heart. It was sad.

But that kind of thing doesn't really happen anymore. The world has changed.

If money was no object (which would also mean a lot less time working) I would consider having children. But because my family is SO fucked up and im afraid they have already contaminated the little sanity I have left, I don't think I could do it. BOX thinks I shouldn't let that factor decided for me.... but wed still be poor. I'd be a good mom if only to live vicariously through them by letting them do all the things my mom forbid me from doing or told me I wasnt smart enough/good enough to do.

I still don't want kids but... reading this thread has caused me to think...

Yes, a lot of us had fucked up families. Yes, it is responsible and mature (and still, saddening) to consider this when deciding not to bring a child into a "potential" situation.

But, don't reflect too deeply on this. You all survived your own personal trials, and clearly came through with strong senses of self, and as you are saying RIGHT NOW- lots of lessons learned.

No kid is going to be spared some traumas at home, and honestly if they did have such an easy childhood, they wouldn't be able to begin to function in society once booted out of the house. The best, most inspiring and incredible people I know all came from some sort of shattered background (normally involving lacking or replacement parents) and became all the stronger for it.

Don't martyr yourself saying you won't have kids because you don't want them to go through blah blah blah... no. You can say that if you have some sort of hereditary disease that would have a high chance of being passed to them. THAT is a valid point.

I honestly say it's a bizarre argument to have a fear of bringing a child into the world just because their life MIGHT BE SORTA HARD cause yours was. Yeah. And look who it made y'all today. Honestly I dare say a lot of you like yourselves. I like myself. I had a crappy upbringing (though ask anyone about their upbringing and 95% will say it was horrible) and I wouldn't change it for the world. It made me who I am and I'm great at getting by in life. Whee. Yay.

If you yourself are terrified of not wanting kids or not being able to provide, then by all means- I laud you. More people should think like that. If you're worried about the "what if's" of an indeterminate future for them, well- welcome to life. Being overprotective and prematurely worried about things never got anyone anywhere, except spoiled, unable to deal with hardships, or socially crippled.

Either way, I don't want kids cause I'm a selfish cunt and like my freedom too much.

Posted by hydrotherapy Either way, I don't want kids cause I'm a selfish cunt and like my freedom too much.

<3 Let's make out.

Posted by hydrotherapy I honestly say it's a bizarre argument to have a fear of bringing a child into the world just because their life MIGHT BE SORTA HARD cause yours was.

I'm not martyring myself and I don't think it's a "might" situation. If it were that, I'd be willing to chance it.

I think it's a statistical likelihood that, due to society and the divorce rate and just not being able to trust a potential marriage partner to do the right thing, that I would end up putting a kid into a shitty upbringing. And I don't want to do that to them. It sucked having it done to me, and I'm not going to do it to my potential children.

If I'm pretty sure I'm going to inflict great harm on my child after bringing it into this world, why on Earth would I do it? That would be selfish on my part, I think, to disregard the odds of that happening.

And I differ on the upbringing. I would change my upbringing if I had the chance. If I could go back and relive my life and actually have a happy childhood? Holy fuck, I'd do it in a second. I got robbed of the best years of my life by my parents' irresponsibility.

Posted by White Rabbit I got robbed of the best years of my life by my parents' irresponsibility.

The "best years" of your life are supposed to have occurred before you were 18, when you weren't in control of your own life? I don't understand.

Posted by hydrotherapy The "best years" of your life are supposed to have occurred before you were 18, when you weren't in control of your own life? I don't understand.

That's just my opinion, but yeah. Childhood's (ideally) supposed to be the fun, responsibility-free portion of your life where you get to just enjoy being a kid.

I didn't get that.

Posted by White Rabbit That's just my opinion, but yeah. Childhood's (ideally) supposed to be the fun, responsibility-free portion of your life where you get to just enjoy being a kid. I didn't get that.

Not always White Rabbit. While childhood should be full of fond memories, is also the first main learning time for us from learning the basics (ie using the toilet instead of our pants) to learning the more complicated stuff like social skills and responsibility. While it can be fun, there will be some traumas along the way (unless you're one of the Bradys on TV). That's the time we learn how to deal with disappointment, failures etc along with success. Not pleasant either but that's life for you.

My childhood wasn't exactly the easiest either but looking back and taking stock of myself, I can say there are many aspects of it that made me who I am today and in a weird sense, I can consider myself lucky. I've seen people who had very sheltered childhoods where they never had to deal with disappointments and when the time came for them to leave Mommy and Daddy, when they encountered the first obstacle, they coped very poorly.

Posted by rainman8889 That's the time we learn how to deal with disappointment, failures etc along with success. Not pleasant either but that's life for you.

Look, I realize as bad as it was, that my childhood could've been worse, and I'm not bitching because it wasn't perfect. I bitch because it was really, really bad. A little adversity, a little childhood trauma, that would've been one thing.

However, I shouldn't have been shuttled from one drug and substance-abusing home to another throughout my entire childhood. I shouldn't have had to grow up in a home where there were always cigarettes and booze but NEVER EVER any food in the house. I shouldn't have had to go hungry. I shouldn't have had to live with one abusive (sometimes physically) stepfather, stepmother, boyfriend, and girlfriend after another. I shouldn't have been physically abandoned, by both parents at various multiple times, because I was an inconvenience to their drug and drinking lifestyle. I shouldn't have to have grown up so poor, to the point that not only were toys completely out of the question but that I never had more than a few ratty-ass clothes to wear, because my parents blew all their money on substance abuse. I shouldn't have spent most of my childhood without a bedroom or even a bed because money went elsewhere.

I think growing up a little poor or not getting a lot of attention from Mommy and Daddy or not having perfect parents, I don't think those are things that should ruin your childhood. And I think those are the kinds of things that probably build character. But that's not the kind of ordinary childhood shit I had to live through, and I wish it was.

I don't believe I should've had to live through ANY of what I described. I don't believe any of it made me a better person. And any strength it added to my character is FAR outweighed by the bitterness and anger I still feel for all of it.

Posted by White Rabbit Look, I realize as bad as it was, that my childhood could've been worse, and I'm not bitching because it wasn't perfect. I bitch because it was really, really bad. A little adversity, a little childhood trauma, that would've been one thing. However, I shouldn't have been shuttled from one drug and substance-abusing home to another throughout my entire childhood. I shouldn't have had to grow up in a home where there were always cigarettes and booze but NEVER EVER any food in the house. I shouldn't have had to go hungry. I shouldn't have had to live with one abusive (sometimes physically) stepfather, stepmother, boyfriend, and girlfriend after another. I shouldn't have been physically abandoned, by both parents at various multiple times, because I was an inconvenience to their drug and drinking lifestyle. I shouldn't have to have grown up so poor, to the point that not only were toys completely out of the question but that I never had more than a few ratty-ass clothes to wear, because my parents blew all their money on substance abuse. I shouldn't have spent most of my childhood without a bedroom or even a bed because money went elsewhere. I think growing up a little poor or not getting a lot of attention from Mommy and Daddy or not having perfect parents, I don't think those are things that should ruin your childhood. And I think those are the kinds of things that probably build character. But that's not the kind of ordinary childhood shit I had to live through, and I wish it was. I don't believe I should've had to live through ANY of what I described. I don't believe any of it made me a better person. And any strength it added to my character is FAR outweighed by the bitterness and anger I still feel for all of it.

I know where you're coming from. I really do. Heh... I think I heard, "we can't afford that" more than, "I love you".

Posted by hydrotherapyEither way, I don't want kids cause I'm a selfish cunt and like my freedom too much.

I agree.
I've never grown up "wanting" kids and never saw myself as having them....my bestfriend has ALWAYS wanted to be married and have the 3.1 kids....and you know what? He did.
I'm taking control of my own situation and going for the snip next month and I don't have any sort of cold feet or worries if it's the right decision.
I'm 30 years old, don't have any kids and I want to keep it that way....if I could get a relationship to last longer than a third date....I would be happy..I don't want kids..and I don't need kids....
To think they will take care of you when you get older is just a fantasy....

I'm happy with my decision, I don't want kids, but the one thing I don't want more, is an unwanted child....hence, here comes the snip!

My parents have been together since they were 15 years old. They lived together since they were 18. They bought a house when they were 26. I was born in June '88, they got married in December '87, do the math. Yeah, I was the reason they got married, but it was more of the reason they had to "get their shit in gear and get married". They've been married almost 22 years. They've had a lot of rough spots in their relationship, but stuck through it.

Posted by irock I agree. I've never grown up "wanting" kids and never saw myself as having them....my bestfriend has ALWAYS wanted to be married and have the 3.1 kids....and you know what? He did. I'm taking control of my own situation and going for the snip next month and I don't have any sort of cold feet or worries if it's the right decision. I'm 30 years old, don't have any kids and I want to keep it that way....if I could get a relationship to last longer than a third date....I would be happy..I don't want kids..and I don't need kids.... To think they will take care of you when you get older is just a fantasy.... I'm happy with my decision, I don't want kids, but the one thing I don't want more, is an unwanted child....hence, here comes the snip!

Hey buddy, didn't know you were in here. I just wrote about your snip-snip in another thread. I will always support your decision to not have children. In fact, I will support everyone's decision to not have kids. They are a huge responsibility, and if you have just a little hesitation... don't do it!