Caretaker: Miss, can i HELP YOU?

Me: (in high pitched voice) ...NO!

(i wander off, five minutes elapse)

Me: Er...how do i get out of here?

Caretaker: (points) You know, if you weren't a girl, I'd have called the police.

Me: ...Thank you....sir.

(I wander off again)

Posted by aurelie Caretaker: Miss, can i HELP YOU? Me: (in high pitched voice) ...NO! (i wander off, five minutes elapse) Me: Er...how do i get out of here? Caretaker: (points) You know, if you weren't a girl, I'd have called the police. Me: ...Thank you....sir. (I wander off again)

must be nice to have boobs...
if had them i'd never leave the house!
(funny tho, my girlfriend says the same thing about having balls...)

This has happened so many times:

Guard/evictee/random stranger: <What are you doing here?>
Me: Sorry, I don't speak Korean.
Guard/evictee/random stranger: <This You shouldn't be in here!>
Me: Uh...<where is the washroom?>
Guard/evictee/random stranger: *grumbles* <Oh well, he's just a foreigner. Whatever. I'm going to get some more soju.>

(stuff in <brackets> denotes spoken in Korean)

Posted by racetraitor This has happened so many times: Guard/evictee/random stranger: <What are you doing here?> Me: Sorry, I don't speak Korean. Guard/evictee/random stranger: <This You shouldn't be in here!> Me: Uh...<where is the washroom?> Guard/evictee/random stranger: *grumbles* <Oh well, he's just a foreigner. Whatever. I'm going to get some more soju.> (stuff in <brackets> denotes spoken in Korean)

i think that get a "well done" rather than an "un-smoothest talker" nomination.

When I was 15

me: (standing at fence near abandonment peering in)

cop: "Hey! What are you doing here??"

me: (jumps from being startled) I... uh... wanted to read the sign...

Posted by racetraitor This has happened so many times: Guard/evictee/random stranger: <What are you doing here?> Me: Sorry, I don't speak Korean. Guard/evictee/random stranger: <This You shouldn't be in here!> Me: Uh...<where is the washroom?> Guard/evictee/random stranger: *grumbles* <Oh well, he's just a foreigner. Whatever. I'm going to get some more soju.> (stuff in <brackets> denotes spoken in Korean)

You're fucking awesome

I nominate Curious_George.
We broke into a vacant hotel here (was empty for about two weeks) and I'm pretty sure we set off the alarm at one point (I wanted to see if there was booze under the bar) and sure enough the next day there were people inside. I called to "book a room" and the woman behind the desk said they were still closed. I figured maybe there wouldn't be any security overnight, so I got CG to call later to make sure nobody answered the phone. Somebody answered and all I could hear was CG's half of the convo which went like:
"Oh, hi there. I was wondering if I could book a room? ... Oh I can't? Why not? ... Oh I see. Well if you aren't taking bookings, are you security? ... Oh you are. Oh, so the building DOES have security now. Okay then. Bye"


I face-palmed so hard I think I made myself cry. Needless to say we never got in again.

Here is a conversation I had in a refugee camp near Mazar-E-Sharif. while on assignment in Afghanistan I visited the refugee camps near Mazar-E-Sharif and managed a little UE while I was there. This is not exactly a UE related conversation, but it illustrates my smooth talking abilities. Nur Abdullah was the 'spokesman' of the camp elders:

Nur Abdullah: <can you ride a horse>

Me: I'm from Texas...of course I can ride a horse.

Nur: <would you like to play bozkhashi with the men of the camp?>

Me: sure. I'll give it a try.

Nur: <you are either brave or foolish. May Allah watch over you>

Me (to my Ibrahim, my translator): All I caught was 'Allah'...what did he say?

Ibrahim: He said "may allah bless you."

for those unfamiliar with bozkhashi, it is the national sport of Afghanistan. Remembering that the two main exports of Afghanistan are opium and revenge, you should be able to figure that their national sport is pretty intense. I didn't know it, but bozkhashi is the bastard child of polo and rugby, played with a beheaded goat's carcass. Oh yeah, and that riding crop isn't just for use on your horse.

Back in Highschool they sectioned off a bunch of hallways for a mock lockdown, myself and a friend walked through unknowingly apparently anyone caught outside during them would be given 3 hour office detentions:

Well we cutting class and walked through the wrong hallway:

Mr N:
"What are you two doing down here!"
Me:
"I uhh, uhh had a paper to bring to uhh..."
Mr N:
"Oh it's you James, (to another administrator) he's a good kid, no problems here."
Friend:
"That's what I love about you, no one ever suspects a thing..."
...

Flash Forward 6 months ... I've been caught with the anarchist cookbook on me and a detailed joke list of "horribly bad senior prank ideas" (pay hooker to show up at principals office, etc) also my signature on my email address is "Impulsive Compulsive Thought Terrorist -- More searing than Thermite -- More fun than explosions."

Which is all good and dandy freedom of speech but still got me three weeks vacation time.

Mr N. um, did not think so highly of me then.
In fact he said "I don't know if you're a good kid who made a bad decision or a bad kid who has been working the system...but you have to understand I can't vouch for you this time, I have to do what my boss tells me to...I have to think of my career advancement opportunities here. " Which sounds reasonable until I realized he was a two faced piece of shit out for his own goals.

In contrast to his statement I had several teachers, two psychologists (both wrote letters of recognition), and my guidance councilor put their careers on the line to keep my feet walking at graduation.

I would walk at graduation.
The assistant principal who was on my side resigned over this ("the straw that broke the camals back" ) he took an adjunct teaching position.
The principal would finish his contract only to be shit canned by the board of education. He went on to another education system.
Mr N went up in the administrative ranks for two years serving under the dickhead principal and then got dropped down when the next principal took over.