Posted by Senseriffic I make guys work for it.... it weeds out the bad ones. Everytime I was stupid and rushed into it I always got screwed in the end. I generally don't trust anyone though so no matter what, in one way or another they need to prove themselves worthy.

I'm going to be such an asshole right now. . .

Point one: It weeds out guys who don't like to play games.

Point two: There is no such thing as too fast or too slow. Relationships evolve organically, and trying to put time restraints is a form of trying to control a situation or person. I personally would not want to date someone who is so insecure that they have to control me.

Point three: If you get "screwed", you obviously have picked the wrong guys. The only way "going slow" helps is that one is given the chance to know more about the person. Most times though, if you have to set a time restraint, it's probably because you get wrapped up in new relationship energy. Most times when experiencing new relationship energy, there is a tendency to look over red flags.

Point four: Trust. To prove oneself worthy, they have to jump through all sorts of hurdles. It's another game. And if you set up a prerequisite, then you are probably also looking for reasons not to trust. In doing so you create an atmosphere of distrust and suspicion. Ultimately, your lover will fail. Who is to blame? Yourself. Who will you probably blame? The other person.

Point five: Why would a sane person want to jump through hoops to gain trust, when they can go find someone not acting from their damage.

Why am I such and asshole? Because I have been where you are. I have trust issues, I have hurts that go really deep. Abuse issues that haunt me. I made a choice to not act from my damage.

hence why I have given up trying completely, I always get screwed, weather its because i was dumb enough to chose someone completely unworthy or because I inadvertently scare them off. People like me are better off alone, we hurt ourselves, other people and destroy everything in our path.

Posted by Senseriffic hence why I have given up trying completely, I always get screwed, whether its because i was dumb enough to chose someone completely unworthy or because I inadvertently scare them off. People like me are better off alone, we hurt ourselves, other people and destroy everything in our path.

Ah. But you see, personality is not a fixed thing. You can change that which does not suit you at any moment. It all comes down to choice and hard work. Here is the rub, you can't give up on yourself, nor can you give up on others. Why? Because each person is linked to the whole of humanity. Making the choice to act from love and trust directly influence those around you. To act in a hateful, distrustful way, more people will hateful and distrustful. So, you are stuck. Might as well make the best of it and love yourself. Suicide is not exactly a way out either. The negativity that would arise from that will get back to you in your next life.

If at some point you want to try a new path, I suggest starting with this:

Get naked and stand in front of a mirror. Study yourself. Note every curve, but do not criticize. Project loving energy at it, in the same manor you would a new lover. Look at yourself the way you would look at Johnny Depp is he was naked in bed with you. You get my point. If you find yourself criticizing(even if it is being critical of you criticizing yourself), not the feeling and the thought. Note that it is just a feeling, just a thought, and has no basis in reality. They are just opinions. . .Words. Empty words. Notice the difference between an observation and criticism. I hope you understand where I am going with this.

If you feel as though you have a good grasp of all this, and a bit of love and compassion for yourself, then start with part two:

When you think about every human that lives, there is one thing that binds every single last one of us. We all want to be happy. Because of our society and our damage, we get a bunch of weird ideas in our heads as to how one becomes happy. We hurt each other, we lie, there is violence. But at the heart of things, we want to be happy. Consider everyone who has every hurt you. Consider their pain. See them as children, sad wounded children. Then their actions make sense. They are acting from damage. They don't know how else to act. Have compassion for them, your hurt, and the situation.

This is coming from someone who had huge rage issues. I had my ass kicked from a very young age, both other kids and adults, and had no way of understanding why I had to go through so much pain. Why I had to be the one being kicked in the face by a crowd of my peers.

enough of me. . .

Goodluck.

dirt, the next time I'm crying alone and depressed I will message you, if you permit it. As I think you might be the only person on the planet who has ever made sense to me. Your words are beautiful.

Posted by Yield dirt, the next time I'm crying alone and depressed I will message you, if you permit it. As I think you might be the only person on the planet who has ever made sense to me. Your words are beautiful.

Really? Well thank you very kindly. That means a lot to me. See, when I go off on rants like that I worry about how I come across. I don't want to be a "know it all", but I also know that I have personally learned a bit from watching people. And every bit helps make sense of such a weird fucked up world. As my boss at work says: "It takes a village".

Posted by dirt Really? Well thank you very kindly. That means a lot to me. See, when I go off on rants like that I worry about how I come across. I don't want to be a "know it all", but I also know that I have personally learned a bit from watching people. And every bit helps make sense of such a weird fucked up world. As my boss at work says: "It takes a village".

Not a know-it-all, no worries. I've been in a lot of very good and very bad relationships and like to help people who I see doing the same things I did; sometimes I worry how they take me but so far I haven't had anybody fly off the handle and tell me to mind my own business :p

Posted by dirt As my boss at work says: "It takes a village".

You work for Hillary Clinton?

Posted by Yield dirt, the next time I'm crying alone and depressed I will message you, if you permit it. As I think you might be the only person on the planet who has ever made sense to me. Your words are beautiful.

+1

I think dirt and I should get married. Don't tell Brind though.

I myself have never been put on a chase, but sometimes I'm pretty clueless about people's advances and end up accidentally leading guys along before I realise that they're into me in a serious way. I suppose most of the time low self esteem makes me go "They're probably just desperate" or "He can't be hitting on me. Me? Really?". Stuff like that.

I'd never play deliberate mind games, too much effort on my part and too much bullshit for everyone else involved.

Posted by dirt Point one: It weeds out guys who don't like to play games.

Agreed.

Posted by Lexi I think dirt and I should get married. Don't tell Brind though.

I'm already taken in that department, so Brind should be safe.

Posted by dirt I'm already taken in that department, so Brind should be safe.

"The chase" can be fun, if artfully played (& not go on too long).

But random hookups can be fun too

I've had LTR's that began both ways.

What dirt said. Especially point 2, but 1 and 5 as well.

If you weed out all the well-adjusted guys who don't feel hoop-jumping is part of of a healthy relationship, you're preselecting people more desperate for attention, which is guaranteed to drama-bomb on one of you, and probably both.

But Dirt said it better. Dirt, if you or a I were a woman I'd fight lexi for second dibs. call concurrent dibs!