A week ago I ended it with my gf of the last 3 years. Things had been stale for awhile and the relationship was not healthy for me. So I ended it, clean break.

I've been dumped before, so I know the hurt. For my gf, though, this was her first real long term relationship.

She's been acting completely devastated. In a week she walked off her job and quit school.

I'm really concerned about her - this was a person I loved and still care about. I'm at a loss at what to do. She seems to be deliberately trashing her life.

I don't know what I can do - I called a mutual friend and asked her to check in on my ex. That's all I can think of.

We lived together for the last year but she moved out about 7 weeks ago. She still wanted to be together, she said.

But still, she moved out. And my interest in continuing a relationship that was moving backwards waned. I wanted to be single again. So I ended it, thinking that since she moved out her interest was low too.

So I'm surprised and concerned that she seems to be going off the deep end at this point.........I don't understand it

Is there anything I can do? Getting back together just to "save" her is not an option and I don't want to lead her on!

One things you can do.

Talk to her. Help her find something else to throw her energy into.

When I went through this with Sam, something came up at work otherwise I would have lost it. I ended up getting a job with the union at work which took up and still takes up a lot of my time. Also the guy I work with, he listened when I needed him, he's still there when I do, I still have my moments.

I get lost in the stuff I do for Local 497 a lot of the time. It helps. Maybe she needs something else to take the place of what she had with you. Or at least to take her mind off it.

Right now, I'm in a self imposed exile from Sam. I need to get things fixed in my life and seeing him even just as a friend right now would cause me to take a few steps backwards instead of in the forward direction I'm trying to keep moving in.

Do you still see her a lot? Maybe that's a problem too. If you do, maybe it makes it worse instead of better?

Contact her friends, but leave her alone. Any words from you right now will be glimmers of hope, prolonging what is already INSANELY painful for her.

That old adage that it takes time? Yeah. Getting your heart broken, or breaking someone's, never gets better, or easier.

And not to say 'you did this to her' but you sort of did. You can't push her away with one hand while trying to stroke her hair and tell her it'll be ok with the other, it just doesn't work like that.

Let her figure it out. Does she have family, friends? They'll be there for her, when she's ready for them to be.

Even if things were stale and even if she wanted out, there's something about human emotion that, when power shifts and you aren't the one to make the call, you struggle against it all the harder. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they really get perspective and pull themselves up, and it's one of the most devastating things to watch, especially if you knew you had a hand in it.

Also remember you can't just erase 3 years in a week, or possibly even in months. You left her, she is not your concern anymore, and she can't expect or SHOULD expect you to tell her it will be ok, when you just left.

TL;DR: Give her time, space, and leave her alone. She has to suss this out without you.

Posted by Shael Talk to her. Help her find something else to throw her energy into.

Nooooo.

Clean break. Clean break. Clean break. Help other people help her find projects, but don't do it yourself. In her effed up state (no offense, anyone could be by a a first dumping) she'll misinterpret it.

And it'll be hard, 'cause you'll want to help, but don't do it. I actually had an ex email me years later and say "Thanks for ending it so unequivocally with me." - One of her friends had a drawn out on again off again thing going on, and it just extended and magnified the fallout/consequences.

I agree though, it does look like you both knew it was coming. She just has to go through this phase.

When I left my ex Robbie he made such a fuss and went back to drugs and all that. I worked so hard to get him off of it. What i found was best was to not try and support him anymore. Or even talk. It was so hard. It was my first real break up and seeing him get bad grades in school and go back getting high hourly was hard as hell and it was even harder ignoring it. But sometimes it's what you have to do. We don't even talk anymore even though i still love him to death.

Posted by victoria- When I left my ex Robbie he made such a fuss and went back to drugs and all that. I worked so hard to get him off of it. What i found was best was to not try and support him anymore. Or even talk. It was so hard. It was my first real break up and seeing him get bad grades in school and go back getting high hourly was hard as hell and it was even harder ignoring it. But sometimes it's what you have to do. We don't even talk anymore even though i still love him to death.

love. . .

http://www.coda.org/

Posted by dirt love. . . http://www.coda.org/

D:

Hydro said it perfectly. That was some damn good advice.

When I went through my first real dumping after a 3 year relationship, I too quit my job and started dating some loser just to numb the pain. But, with time, I got on with my life and am perfectly fine now. This is a learning experience for her.

I'll just add that the kindest things any of my ex's did after a break up was to just leave me alone.

if you think or have reason to think that she may harm herself, than call 911. if not than just let her go. time does heal all wounds, we are left only with scares and memories. decide what is better for you and move on.

It's tough - she calls me at my work where I have to answer the phone, I get an earful, she ends with saying still loves me. I got her to agree to 2 weeks of no contact.

If she is this upset and acting this way already, I doubt she will be able to handle the 2 week thing. Really, the kindest thing you can do is ignore her. It will be very hard for both of you, but in the long run it is the best thing for both of you.

I agree that contact with her will only prolong the pain for her. When she calls you at work refuse to talk or listen to her. Explain to her it's only prolonging the pain when she calls you and cut her off.

That's what I explained to my ex. She says she still wants to be friends and I would like to too. Honestly though, and I told her, I can't be friends with her. I'm not going to be able to move on because I know I'll be holding onto the past whenever I see her.

Posted by Gringo Loco That's what I explained to my ex. She says she still wants to be friends and I would like to too. Honestly though, and I told her, I can't be friends with her. I'm not going to be able to move on because I know I'll be holding onto the past whenever I see her.

I don't think I've ever seen the whole, friends after a break up thing. I've tried it a few times and it failed miserably unless it was at least a year or two later. I don't think you can really get over someone if you're constantly around them all the time like that.

Posted by Oryx I don't think I've ever seen the whole, friends after a break up thing. I've tried it a few times and it failed miserably unless it was at least a year or two later. I don't think you can really get over someone if you're constantly around them all the time like that.

I'm still friends with one of my exes. We're pretty close, too. We even lived together for over a year after we broke up. As a couple, we were horrible. Once we had a big fight and a couple of days of space, we got along better than we ever did. My husband and I go over to my ex-boyfriend's house every week to play Rock Band and watch movies. It can be done.

Posted by Oryx I don't think I've ever seen the whole, friends after a break up thing. I've tried it a few times and it failed miserably unless it was at least a year or two later. I don't think you can really get over someone if you're constantly around them all the time like that.

+1. 100% truth. If you still have feelings for that person, seeing them will only keep you hooked. It will remind you of past memories, and also why you liked/loved them so much. It also can be hard to hold back when you want to be close with them. Sucks, but the best way is "Out of Sight, Out of Mind".

Posted by Esoterik Is there anything I can do?

Hook her up with the Rabbit. Should cure her of any interest in men whatsoever forever.

Posted by KublaKhan Hook her up with the Rabbit. Should cure her of any interest in men whatsoever forever.

I think the guy is taken. But, ask him if he's seen any cute babies lately!

It depends....

There are some people that I got over within a week, done, gone and buried. There are other people I could never get off my mind, went completely self destructive and ruined my life because I couldn't take not having answers, that or I couldnt take that someone like THAT was rejecting ME. Span of relationship had nothing to do with it. some people just need to have it all laid out for them and really understand WHY you are leaving them... ignoring her could make it worse for her... and yourself in the end.

Posted by Senseriffic ... I couldnt take that someone like THAT was rejecting ME. ...

You seem to have a problem. If you feel somebody is unworthy of you or you don't like their character, you shouldn't be with them. Not because they are unworthy of you, because you have an ego problem, it seems. Not that I'm judging you, that's just how it's coming across. I'm doubling this with the 'chase' post you made about people needing to prove their worth. I'm interested in how you prove yours to them - do you even feel you have to?
I'm not tearing you down, you just sound a lot like I am on the inside, and seeing yourself from a different light may help you to understand what you need in another so as not to make the same mistakes again. Being with somebody who pushes you to be your best while you push them to be theirs may be your best option. It's what works for me. Hope you understand what I mean.

Sometimes you just move. A fresh new start is nice.