I decided to sleep on what I'm about to discuss to see if my perspective or feelings on the matter would change for the better. They didn't. So, in a nutshell, I screwed up. Here's the story...

Over the last month and a half or so, I've been talking quite a bit with a female member here on UER. We've gotten closer, not dating per se, but romantically attached to the extent that she was going to fly here to visit me on Columbus Day weekend.

Toward the end of a long online conversation a couple of nights ago, I got into discussing related incidents in my life, and that would have been just fine, except that on the last one, I decided to explain how that particular one had happened, and that, to put it politely, was caused by a sexual indiscretion of mine that occurred about 12 years ago. This is something that I really shouldn't have brought up, but being the overly truthful and somewhat socially inept person that I am, that didn't occur to me until after she irritatedly told me that it was something that probably I shouldn't discuss with someone I was trying to attract. She ended the conversation soon thereafter, abruptly enough that I didn't even have time to say goodnight before she signed off.

I knew that I'd screwed up, so I apologized both in a Facebook message and in a text. I didn't expect that to instantly make everything better, but I figured that would smooth things over, and I thought that it had worked when I cracked a joke in response to a status update that she'd left, and she laughed. However, after my radio show last night, I checked Facebook, and found that she'd not only de-friended me, but also blocked me. I sent a text to her where I apologized again, and then said that I'd leave her alone.

I really like her, and we seemed to get along great, so I'm depressed that I may have cost myself a possible relationship due to a brief lapse in judgment. Have I, or does she just needs to simmer a bit before cooling down and deciding to talk with me again?

I guess that's a question only she can answer,though it looks like you already got it. Not that it's my business,but I'm not quite understanding what it was you said to her. In any case,I too have a bad habit of saying the wrong thing so I hear you there.

It looks like the ball is in her court only as to whether she wants to continue on with you,I would definitely leave her be and give her space if you hope to stand a chance.

Good luck!

It seems like she overreacted, but I don't know what you said so I can't really say anything useful. Still, instead of just blocking you, she should have explained herself. That would have been more.. polite.

Is she a member of this board so she can see your post?

Wiccan and Oryx, I'd rather not discuss that issue in public, but I'll PM a brief description.

Sara, yes, she's a member here and can see this thread. It's her choice to respond in this thread if she wants, but I'm not going to mention her name.

You didn't screw up (at least not majorly). I cheated on a girlfriend years and years ago, learned my lesson, and that makes me even less likely to cheat now, but some girls can't see it that way. (And some of them did the middle-school I'm not talking to you ever again move too. One went so far as to pretend to be unable to see me during church events. After being offended, I almost laughed.)

Think of it as dodging a bullet. If she reacted that poorly now, how much worse could it have been, and how much more hurtful would that have been, if you two had be in a relationship?

You might have apologized too much, but that's pales in comparison. If she grows in understanding and apologizes then sure, go for it. But until she does, I think you did the best possible thing in offering to leave her alone.

Oops, didn't mean to make a post, just quote for a PM.

No, you did not screw up. If people can't take the truth, what makes you think they will be honest to you. Really, it sounds like you dodged a bullet.

Sorry to the person concerned, I tell it like I see it. A suggestion, don't let your emotions control you so easily. No matter how logical you think you are being, lashing out is not a kind thing to do. The only result of your actions is making people feel shame. Acting in such a way will only give you dishonest, disconnected lovers. People who will walk all over you.

Don't forget guys, no matter how flat you make a pancake there are always two sides.

If people can't take the truth, what makes you think they will be honest to you. Really, it sounds like you dodged a bullet.

That doesn't make any sense; how does a person's willingness to accept and overlook someone's past actions have any bearing on their own ability to be honest? Also, how do you know he didn't tell her he killed someone? Who then would be dodging the bullet? It's likely his offense wasn't that severe, but even small actions say a great deal about someone's character. To suggest that people don't judge others based on their past actions is absurd. Everyone has a threshold for how much baggage they're willing to allow a potential partner to bring into a relationship, and it would seem Shawn crossed that threshold. Just because he was honest doesn't mean whomever he woos should be required to accept him.

Posted by Neptune Don't forget guys, no matter how flat you make a pancake there are always two sides.

True, but when one doesn't know the other side(s), one can only speculate, and I'm not willing to do that in this thread. All I presented above is the only side that I know for sure, which is my own. You're welcome to enlighten us, or at least, me.

Posted by Zedarean Also, how do you know he didn't tell her he killed someone?

Because I stated this above:

Posted by Shawn W. I decided to explain how that particular one had happened, and that, to put it politely, was caused by a sexual indiscretion of mine that occurred about 12 years ago.

I'm not going to elaborate here, but I've elaborated on said indiscretion to two members who've posted in this thread. Both agreed that I probably shouldn't have discussed what I did with the person in question, which I acknowledged in my initial post, but one said that said person still overreacted, while the other said that her unwillingness to get past that part of my past should be a red flag for ME.

It's most certainly a part of my past, and one that I haven't repeated, nor will I ever repeat, and if I had it to do over, I'd avoid the thing entirely and probably just go back to sleep. I've discussed this incident with just a handful of people since it initially happened, including my last two girlfriends, and the reaction a few days ago has been the most negative by far.

Posted by Zedarean That doesn't make any sense; how does a person's willingness to accept and overlook someone's past actions have any bearing on their own ability to be honest?

In the same way habitual cheaters always suspect the other person of cheating. Such people have huge jealousy issues because they know how easy it is to be abandoned. A person who will not overlook the faults of one person will probably not be able to overlook their own faults. With this inability comes shame and denial. These two traits do not make for an honest person.

but even small actions say a great deal about someone's character.

Yeah, but what actions are you going to choose to look at? How much can you really know about a persons character, when you don't know their full past? When you have not lived in their skin. A person tends to focus in the back, and sometimes front of their brain on the negative because the negative is traumatic. If you really want to know someone, look at how they are acting in the current moment. The personality. The past will only tell you how they got there.

To suggest that people don't judge others based on their past actions is absurd.

And where did you derive this little gem? This whole post of yours seems to have little to do with the subject at hand, and more to do with your own issues. Issues you seem to be projecting onto me.

Yes, everyone judges. It is a helpful and necessary skill. It can also be overdone and used to create pain. When you overdo judgment, and compound it with absurd expectations, you get a crazy person who has lost touch with reality. I have met these people, I have dated these people. I have seen my friends date these people. It always ends in disaster.

Everyone has a threshold for how much baggage they're willing to allow a potential partner to bring into a relationship, and it would seem Shawn crossed that threshold. Just because he was honest doesn't mean whomever he woos should be required to accept him.

Yes, there is a threshold of baggage. But where is that line drawn? There is a big difference between "sexual indiscretion of mine that occurred about 12 years ago" and "I rape children using roadkill kittens".

That said, I'm not making the OP out to be a saint. Nor do I regard the person in question to be a terrible person. As said, there are two sides to this. Where my heart is in all this, is I want to point out the ways we all hurt each other in hopes the cycles of hurt will end. Because it is a cycle.

And where did you derive this little gem? This whole post of yours seems to have little to do with the subject at hand, and more to do with your own issues. Issues you seem to be projecting onto me.

Are you seriously resorting to personal attacks of my character in order to defend your blatantly biased position? This revelation of your immaturity makes further discussion with you meaningless, and I won't waste my time with it.

but one said that said person still overreacted, while the other said that her unwillingness to get past that part of my past should be a red flag for ME.

So what if you and others believe she overreacted, all that indicates is that these people are willing to pass judgment after only hearing one side of the story, and that's ignorant. People are entitled to their opinions, and she formulated one of you based on a far greater amount of information than those members you spoke to privately. These members are hearing the story from your side, a story that will have a bias towards your own opinion on the matter, intentional or not, and it's obvious your opinion is that she overreacted. To be honest, your poorly disguised desire to validate your opinion in order to pin her as the wrongdoer says a great deal about what kind of person you are, and I'm starting to think she's the one who dodged a bullet.

Posted by Zedarean So what if you and others believe she overreacted, all that indicates is that these people are willing to pass judgment after only hearing one side of the story, and that's ignorant. People are entitled to their opinions, and she formulated one of you based on a far greater amount of information than those members you spoke to privately. These members are hearing the story from your side, a story that will have a bias towards your own opinion on the matter, intentional or not, and it's obvious your opinion is that she overreacted. To be honest, your poorly disguised desire to validate your opinion in order to pin her as the wrongdoer says a great deal about what kind of person you are, and I'm starting to think she's the one who dodged a bullet.

Zedarean, I believe that you've misunderstood what I said. Nowhere have I said that she overreacted, because I honestly wasn't sure if it was an overreaction or a response to be expected based on what I told her. The point of this thread was to get input from other forum members, and not necessarily even on that aspect. The only story that I told the other two members is the same one that I gave to the other person. Said person can choose to give her side, or not. I'm not going to force the issue.

Lastly, the only opinion that I hold is that the topic she and I discussed was obviously outside of her comfort zone, and despite a number of positives that she knew about my personality and personal history, she did not react well, which is true. That does NOT mean that I believe that she overreacted. I'm not really sure yet on that part.

I just received a message with an explanation. I'm not going to get into specifics, but I will say that her reasoning had to do with not only the incident mentioned above, but that in combination with other mistakes of mine that I discussed with her. I'm disappointed that she doesn't feel that the positives outweigh the negatives, but she's entitled to her opinion.

I'm not Scott Bakula. I can't hop into my Quantum Leap accelerator and, "put right what once went wrong." I can only learn from my mistakes and remember the lessons, so that I don't repeat them. I'd like to think that I've done a pretty good job.

She's obviously stuck up and a bitch.

You can do a lot better.

VBJag, I appreciate the support, but I'd rather that the thread didn't devolve any further into insults or insinuations about her character, nor that of anyone else.

With that said, considering the responses that I've gotten here, as well as an explanation from her via PM, both of which I appreciate, perhaps it's time to put this thread to bed.