Nobody probably will really understand where I'm coming from. And I'm not asking for sympathy and I'm not asking for complete understanding or the "right" words.

I just need a place to vent. A place where no one knows who I am and I can be completely honest for just a moment.

My son died four months ago. He was two days old, beautiful but with a perfect, broken heart.

Since his death, I've kept busy. Even organized a walk for bereaved parents who have lost a baby. Not for me, but for him, and all the other parents like me.

Now that it's been four months, people suddenly expect me to be perfectly fucking normal all of a sudden. Except that, I'm NOT.

Just a sampling of the shit I hear on a daily basis:

"Don't let your grief consume you."
"It was God's will."
"He's in a better place."
"There's a reason for everything."
"You have another child to live for."

Like any of that word vomit makes any sense. God's will? Really? And someone please tell me one good reason why any baby should die?!

The majority of my friends have been fantastic and a wonderful support team as I navigate down the road of grief. But, it's the people I was closest to - especially family - who think that I should just move on like nothing happened.

And I think that's what pisses me off the most. It's been only four months. I will never "get over" Sawyer's death.

Thanks for letting me bare my soul here. I honestly can't take the jackass comments from certain people anymore and so many here have been true friends throughout this entire ordeal.

Rant over. Thanks.

Sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves their own way. You think folks would know that by now.

Posted by jeepdave Sorry for your loss. Everyone grieves their own way. You think folks would know that by now.

This. Working at a women's shelter ... The best thing I can ever say is that I'm sorry. I'll never understand it like they do, even if I go through a similar situation.

I am sorry for your loss. And people are just trying to help ... some just don't understand that there are literally no words that help, and others are just trying to fill the space because they know there isn't anything good enough to say.

E-hug. <3

I can't imagine how you feel. I can only empathize. And based on a semi-recent pet death (cat, was 17), it can throw you for a loop. There's no "getting over it" no matter WTF anyone says. You don't simply "move on", it stays with you the rest of your life. Anyone who tries to make you "grieve faster" or "conclude" your grieving, deserves a punch in the face.

Funny you mention that. I currently have an ongoing series on my blog entitled "People who need a punch in the face"

I read your blog and it always breaks my heart. I never respond to your posts because I have no idea what to say. I grieve for you even though I don't know you.... I am pregnant now and the though of anything happening terrifies me. I have no idea what you go through, but I do know it's not something you just get over, 4 months or 4 years later. Obviously time heals, but not fully, and 4 months is really no time at all. I will just keep reading and keep praying for your healing process and family.

to be honest, i have been avoiding commenting on this because i really don't know what to say. What could I say? I just wanted to pass this along. On October 7, 2003, my mother lost her husband to a massive heart attack. On that morning, he had asked my mother to marry him and make it official (they had been together for over 10 years) and she had said yes. Less than 4 hours later, he was dead.

To say that my mother took this hard is an understatement. She was devastated. Utterly. Even after 7 years, she still has not 'gotten over it' and to be honest i don't think she ever will. I don't think you ever get over losing someone so close to you be it a child, a husband, a wife, a brother or sister. I know people that have said that they are over something, but it's just a facade as they overdrive themselves through their lives. My friend Josh is like that... He lost his younger sister to a drug overdose back in December and even though he says he's ok, i know better. But you don't want to say anything for fear of maybe re-opening a wound that is healing.

i don't think as people we're made to get over things. i think we're supposed to remember. it's why we bury our dead and put stone markers where we laid for the rest of eternity. i'm not saying that grief should rule your life, but you should never be happy over a loss.

meh. i'm talking in circles again. i hope you know what i mean and i didn't make an ass out of myself again.

Sam - that is so true.

We have instinct built into us, and remembering is too strong of one to ignore. For whatever reason, we've lost sight of that as a society along the way. People who grieve deeply, remember often - are looked upon as people who "need help" or "should talk to someone."

We've really gone backwards on the way grief is tolerated and that is sad.

My mom lost her second child too, a son who was stillborn in the mid 60s. She never saw him, never held him. They had her baby buried before she was even home from the hospital.

When Sawyer died, she held him. She touched him. She saw who he was. It was closure for her, because of the fucked up way they handled things years ago.

But, even she thinks I should put on an act, be happy when I'm really not because that's what she had to do. It's been difficult to explain to her that I will do and not do what I want. And that's okay.

I am ashamed to admit I had forgotten about your son's passing. I remember when it was posted here on UER, but because its not my life, it slipped away pretty quickly. I know it won't ever slip away for you.

I went to church and lit a candle for him then, and I'll do it again today. (Sorry, its the Catholic in me.) I wish you peace.

Posted by Jonsered I am ashamed to admit I had forgotten about your son's passing. I remember when it was posted here on UER, but because its not my life, it slipped away pretty quickly. I know it won't ever slip away for you. I went to church and lit a candle for him then, and I'll do it again today. (Sorry, its the Catholic in me.) I wish you peace.

Thank you <3

The only people that can ever truly understand are the ones that have been through what we have. I used to get upset over the word vomit myself. It has been 4 years since I lost my son Austin as you know. Over time I began to realize that when people say what they do they are really trying to help but they just don't know how.

After much soul searching I can let the words go now and take comfort in the fact they are trying to help in their own way. I am grateful that they do not have a place in the awful/bittersweet club that we belong to but never applied for membership in.

In time you will get through in different ways that change without notice again and again. Remember, We get through but never over. He will be in your heart forever, that will never change. Hugs and love to you.

There is a never ending cycle to grief and you find yourself stuck in some of the spokes of the wheel, but it doesn't ever stop. It's been 10 years since losing Amanda and I find myself in the angry stage a lot more lately. Sometimes there is a peaceful period but year after year I just find that I move from emotion to emotion.

I am glad to hear you did find a support group, that seemed to help me a lot in the beginning and I am starting to think I need another dose of it to get out of the space I am in now.

I never know how to respond when someone loses someone close to them anymore.

It sucks but take one day at a time and follow your heart. It's your grief you do what you want with it. Screw what people think and or tell you! ~hugs

No one can understand unless they were in the shoes of the person who is at a loss. My friend recently lost both parents within the same week and another recently lost her husband to which she was separated. I didn't go to either of friends family members viewings or funerals. I just couldn't get myself to go and then I am always at a loss for words because we all know there really aren't any words to say that helps. I always end up crying and then it takes me back to the day I lost my Mom.


This November it will be 9 years since my Mom passed away. I will never get over it and still deal my grieving every damn day in one form or another. I'm a little better at handling it but don't know if I will ever get a grasp on it. I do the whole therapy thing, I'm better at going home but I still won't go to my Mom's grave. It's actually right next to my grandparents and we can see her grave from our backyard. I don't give flowers for my Mom on the holidays and I feel guilty but still can't get myself to stand at her grave site. I feel like a horrible daughter. Even at my mom's funeral, i couldn't take all the "sympathy phrases" people kept repeating over and over. After an hour, I sat with my fiance and 2 of my closest friends in the back of the funeral home and just waited for the two days to be over.

That was 9 years ago and i know nothing in my life will ever be normal again!


...Sorry, just having a emotional day and it's one of those days where I really could use my Mom.