A friend of mine offered to let me ride along on a trip out of town. I invited my boyfriend to see if he'd like to go, but he couldn't because of work. I asked if it was cool if I still went and he started pouting and then blew up at me because I wanted to do something that wouldn't include him.

Any thoughts or advice on what I should do?

Posted by Coley A friend of mine offered to let me ride along on a trip out of town. I invited my boyfriend to see if he'd like to go, but he couldn't because of work. I asked if it was cool if I still went and he started pouting and then blew up at me because I wanted to do something that wouldn't include him. Any thoughts or advice on what I should do?

Do make sure he'll be invited on the next one. If he really sees this as "we shouldn't do fun things without each other" then y'all should have a chat about that. Many people disagree with the idea. We all want to stick hip to hip, but relationships should be more than 'that guy I don't go anywhere without.'

Has he skipped things you couldn't join in on?

thanks appleface.

he works at a really intense job and never has time to do much so the situation hasn't occurred. the way i see it, he chose to work there and why keep me from enjoying a weekend just because he can't... this town is really small and there's nothing to do so getting out would be nice. then again, his job provides our housing and he has supported me financially recently so i don't want to seem ungrateful just because i work a job with less hours and more time for fun.

My thought is that this shouldn't be an issue, but that he's the one who's making it one. He can't go, so he shouldn't have a problem with you going without him. However, he does, which might point to some insecurities that he needs to address.

If I may ask, has he acted like this before in regard to other matters, or is this blow-up a first?

Posted by Coley A friend of mine offered to let me ride along on a trip out of town. I invited my boyfriend to see if he'd like to go, but he couldn't because of work. I asked if it was cool if I still went and he started pouting and then blew up at me because I wanted to do something that wouldn't include him. Any thoughts or advice on what I should do?

Intense job = stress perhaps? Seeing you go out having all the fun while he works?

It shouldn't be an issue if you want to go on a trip once in a while with some friends. Maybe plan something with him when you get back so he doesn't feel too left out.

Posted by Shawn W. My thought is that this shouldn't be an issue, but that he's the one who's making it one. He can't go, so he shouldn't have a problem with you going without him. However, he does, which might point to some insecurities that he needs to address. If I may ask, has he acted like this before in regard to other matters, or is this blow-up a first?

i agree, you are together, but where does it say you cant have your own life?

Posted by Coley Any thoughts or advice on what I should do?

I'd think long and hard about if this is the sort of person you want to be in a relationship with. I wouldn't be able to stand a relationship with someone that domineering / who had to be with me whenever I did things, but diff strokes for diff folks. Maybe he'll come round after he de-stresses and you talk about it?

Posted by MindHacker I'd think long and hard about if this is the sort of person you want to be in a relationship with. I wouldn't be able to stand a relationship with someone that domineering / who had to be with me whenever I did things, but diff strokes for diff folks. Maybe he'll come round after he de-stresses and you talk about it?

Yeah I see this as a red flag. Talk it over and if you get a positive response, awesome. Watch out for responses that lead you to believe he's just controlling. A response like, "I'm sorry for blowing up at you, I was just really stressed because of xyz and I was really disappointed that I couldn't go with you" would be more favorable than, "So you like hanging out with them over me? Do you not want to hang out with me anymore???" Sometimes people are just horrible at wording things.

When I was young I had a friend that would freak the fuck out if I ever hung out (even once!) with someone besides them. She was absurdly controlling and if I didn't hang out with her every single day she would throw a tantrum and accuse me of not wanting to be her friend. Needless to say, that friendship did NOT last. Even though I was like 8 when this happened, I've seen the exact same behavior in adults. Since they've been acting that way for so long, they're much harder to deal with. Unfortunately, if your bf blew up because of this, talking it over may not really do anything. That's a deeper issue that will take a while to overcome.

Just one question, and there's a reason I'm asking it, one I'll get to in a minute.

Do you tend to cancel dates with him because your friends need or want you to do something?

I ask because I went through this. He thought I was nuts when I would get upset because he would drop everything, including planned time with me, to go do something for or with his friends, without me. The first time or two, I could understand and thought it was a misunderstanding, but after the 30th or 40th time, it began to get old and I realized where I stood with him.

I came in dead last, it was his car, his ATV, his friends, then me for the entire three years we were together.

Do one thing...look at yourself and the things you do before you get upset with him over it, okay? That's all I have to say really.

I'll try to come at this from his perspective, since you've already gotten some good advice from the others. I'm sure he's feeling jealous and left out/behind, and that is normal, so long as he doesn't make you stay. Try getting him to understand that this could be a fun time for him as well. Maybe he could go out with the guys after work, catch up with an old friend, have some buddies over for beer or videogames or whatever it is guys do while they're alone. If you make your trip look appealing to both of you I'm sure he'll be more on board with the idea of you leaving. Oh, and guys love feeling important and special, so make sure you tell him you'll miss him and be thinking about him the whole time, even if you don't.

i think that there is some pretty good advice here, however some may be a bit too ready to say contemplate your entire relationship...
you have given us one example of something, nothing else about other traits, though some things listed could be indicative of others. did he actually prevent you from going? or did he just get jealous and upset at the notion? he, as a human being, has feelings that he sometimes isnt in control over just like everyone else..

did you ask him, knowing that he had work? surely he must have a sort of schedule.

as for friends of the opposite sex - being alone with - he might be more jealous of that fact, to which proper communication is always essential.
in my experience, a significant other wants to get to know the friend of yours that is of your opposite sex, so that they can see if, not necessarily on your part, there is anything that could be concerning.
i find it funny and pretty sad that there are so many people out their with their own issues, that do not ever take the time to try and understand and help others with theirs. you very well may have a boyfriend with trust or self confidence issues. the real issue however would be not that he even has those issues, but if he is willing to try and fix those issues, and trust you, and learn WITH you how to communicate effectively to alleviate any concerns while you are away from each other.

remember that everyone is learning every single day!!!
learning together, if you are both willing, is fucking amazing, and brings people closer together.

no one is born perfect! idealist perfection is impossible. perfection is never without chaos. this one trait you are addressing, your one question.. i dont think anyone is being unfair. you surely are NOT being unfair. and he SURELY is not, if he did infact let you go, which you never told us, but was disturbed by the thought..
if this happens too often and your emotions are in return so distraught that you hinder yourself from doing things you once did, then you have to put yourself first and make sure to effectively tell him that what he is constantly and unrightfully concerning himself with is affecting you. if he never listens to YOUR concerns and tries to compromise with you, then that may be an even larger issue to which a contemplation, i think, may be more appropriate.

p.s.
these are only things that i believe, and i dont say that my way is correct, but this is what makes sense to me from what i have gone through and observed...

Posted by Neptune Oh, and guys love feeling important and special, so make sure you tell him you'll miss him and be thinking about him the whole time, even if you don't.

I disagree with this completely. If you feel that you have to lie to your significant other to continue and, perhaps, advance the relationship, then you probably shouldn't be in said relationship.

In my last relationship, my girlfriend and I thought about one another a lot, but not all the time, and that was perfectly fine. While I do like SOME attention from my significant others, I neither expect nor want them to plan their every action around making me happy. They deserve independence and their own happiness.

By the way, I agree completely with what thatwhichisi said in her post.

Posted by Shawn W. My thought is that this shouldn't be an issue, but that he's the one who's making it one. He can't go, so he shouldn't have a problem with you going without him. However, he does, which might point to some insecurities that he needs to address. If I may ask, has he acted like this before in regard to other matters, or is this blow-up a first?

+1

Posted by Shawn W. I disagree with this completely. If you feel that you have to lie to your significant other to continue and, perhaps, advance the relationship, then you probably shouldn't be in said relationship.

Well ok, you're right. What I meant is that sometimes if one partner in a relationship is feeling down or vulnerable, it is nice to have a little extra reassurance and a few extra "attaboys." I know because I've been in the same situation as the OP. I went to visit another female friend for a weekend and my then boyfriend was a little upset that I was leaving him for the weekend. I sent him a few extra nice texts so he would feel better about me being gone, and I didn't have to feel so bad about being away either.

I hate to say this but thats a BAD sign. I had something similar happen in a relationship. When there was a "next time" he refused to go and then very angry when I went... he cited that as one of my many reasons why he "had to break up with me"

Just be careful of that kind of behavior, talk it out and make sure he isn't harboring resentment or feelings of insecurity. Thats the only way to solve it.

Im curious how this turned out

not good

that's not nearly descriptive enough for my nosy self

waits for a reply on this one...