Secrets about your grocery clerk:

1. We don’t actually give a fuck how you’re doing. In fact, you could drop dead in front of us and we likely wouldn’t care.

2. When we ask you whether you want your 4-litre of milk in a bag, you say no. Saying yes makes you environment-killing scum; it HAS a handle.

3. When you swear at us for asking for your ID, it doesn’t actually make us any more inclined to fulfill your every nicotine-tinged whim. We will laugh at you behind your back, though.

4. Tying your grocery bags shut doesn’t make you safe; it makes you anal. Companies spend THOUSANDS of dollars on the perfect grocery bag shape, you’re perfectly fine holding the handles.

5. You don’t actually NEED to lift the hundred-pound sacks of potatoes onto the conveyor belt. We have codes specifically so that we DON’T have to break our backs shlepping your crap back into your cart.

6. The nametags exist for a fleeting impression of familiarity. Do not call us by name; unless you are over 70, it’s creepy. (Once you hit 70, it becomes dear/sweet.)

7. Going through a three-foot shopping receipt in order to get an extra 50 cents off when the line is stretching into the aisles makes us HATE you.

8. Waiting until we’ve bagged all your groceries to give us your reusable bags is unbelievably irritating, and you can expect to walk out of the store carrying your eggs on your face.

9. We don’t like you. You cannot change this.

10. Your jokes aren’t funny. Shut up so we can faster perform our minimum-wage jobs.

11. We will not baby-sit your children while you shop; neither will they get free chocolate bars by virtue of being under 12. You arrogant asshole.

12. One minute before we close is not actually the right time to come into the store with one of the big carts. One minute before we close is also not the time to come to the counter with two carts full of produce and sale items.

13. There is a carpet at the front door to wipe your feet on when you come in. Use it.

14. Incredible though it may sound, we have better things to do than wait for you to come up with 17.93$ in small change. Get a fucking debit card.

15. It’s not actually funny when you correct us on every inane supposed mistake we make; we know how to use an error correct button.

16. We would much rather have 17.93$ in small change than a cheque.

17. No, we do not match the prices of the local rival grocery store.

18. Much as it would make my day, I did not personally cause your milk to start leaking all over the inside of your car on the way home; neither do I have the power to magically remove sour milk from your car cushions. If I did have that latent power, yelling at me would probably not cause me to manifest it in a manner helpful or healthy to you.

19. No, I will not give you a discount because you go to church with my great-aunt’s hairdresser. Such a reason is not valid for ANY request; particularly since my great-aunt cuts her own hair.

20. We cannot divine through clairvoyance the contents of all your paper pastry bags. If you don’t want us to open and poke through them, LABEL them. Four digit codes are amazingly easy to write, especially given the prevalence of pen and tags in the bakery.

21. If you want your membership benefits, give us your membership card. No, the rival grocery store’s card does not qualify.

22. Did I mention we don’t like you?

Get a real job.

Posted by Mendori Secrets about your grocery clerk: 1. We don’t actually give a fuck how you’re doing. In fact, you could drop dead in front of us and we likely wouldn’t care. 2. When we ask you whether you want your 4-litre of milk in a bag, you say no. Saying yes makes you environment-killing scum; it HAS a handle. 3. When you swear at us for asking for your ID, it doesn’t actually make us any more inclined to fulfill your every nicotine-tinged whim. We will laugh at you behind your back, though. 4. Tying your grocery bags shut doesn’t make you safe; it makes you anal. Companies spend THOUSANDS of dollars on the perfect grocery bag shape, you’re perfectly fine holding the handles. 5. You don’t actually NEED to lift the hundred-pound sacks of potatoes onto the conveyor belt. We have codes specifically so that we DON’T have to break our backs shlepping your crap back into your cart. 6. The nametags exist for a fleeting impression of familiarity. Do not call us by name; unless you are over 70, it’s creepy. (Once you hit 70, it becomes dear/sweet.) 7. Going through a three-foot shopping receipt in order to get an extra 50 cents off when the line is stretching into the aisles makes us HATE you. 8. Waiting until we’ve bagged all your groceries to give us your reusable bags is unbelievably irritating, and you can expect to walk out of the store carrying your eggs on your face. 9. We don’t like you. You cannot change this. 10. Your jokes aren’t funny. Shut up so we can faster perform our minimum-wage jobs. 11. We will not baby-sit your children while you shop; neither will they get free chocolate bars by virtue of being under 12. You arrogant asshole. 12. One minute before we close is not actually the right time to come into the store with one of the big carts. One minute before we close is also not the time to come to the counter with two carts full of produce and sale items. 13. There is a carpet at the front door to wipe your feet on when you come in. Use it. 14. Incredible though it may sound, we have better things to do than wait for you to come up with 17.93$ in small change. Get a fucking debit card. 15. It’s not actually funny when you correct us on every inane supposed mistake we make; we know how to use an error correct button. 16. We would much rather have 17.93$ in small change than a cheque. 17. No, we do not match the prices of the local rival grocery store. 18. Much as it would make my day, I did not personally cause your milk to start leaking all over the inside of your car on the way home; neither do I have the power to magically remove sour milk from your car cushions. If I did have that latent power, yelling at me would probably not cause me to manifest it in a manner helpful or healthy to you. 19. No, I will not give you a discount because you go to church with my great-aunt’s hairdresser. Such a reason is not valid for ANY request; particularly since my great-aunt cuts her own hair. 20. We cannot divine through clairvoyance the contents of all your paper pastry bags. If you don’t want us to open and poke through them, LABEL them. Four digit codes are amazingly easy to write, especially given the prevalence of pen and tags in the bakery. 21. If you want your membership benefits, give us your membership card. No, the rival grocery store’s card does not qualify. 22. Did I mention we don’t like you?

1) You're lying.

2) I always ask for double bagging, and then I tie the handles with a third bag.

3) I usually steal my cigarettes, and then I give them away to the kiddies who get left in their parents car while they shop.

4) I write at least one letter of complain/concern to the companies that manufacture the bags per week, and argue with them on the phone that their designs are shitty and cause me un-necessary pain and suffering due to their incompetence.

5) Yes I do.

6) I generally mispronounce the names as a matter of habit.

7) I only go through the list to delete/return items purchased on impulse.

8) Especially when you've been asked (by me) to double bag everything, tie the handles with a third bag, and then supply the name and contact information of the company that produces the bags.

9) See #1.

10) See #1.

11) I encourage my son to steal as much candy as he can fit into his pockets.

12) See #1.

13) I prefer to walk through the store in bare feet, so dirty shoes aren't a problem for me.

14) If you're being paid by the hour, your should be grateful that I'm counting out pennies.

15) Yes it is.

16) See #1.

17) You should. I'll bring my coupon booklet next time, and we can go through the numbers then, approximately 1 minute before you are scheduled to close. On a Friday night.

18) Maybe if you had honored my request for a froth bag, the first two wouldn't have ruptured, and the third bag, used as a handle, shouldn't have cut off circulation to my hands. I'm going to sue you for this.

19) You should. I'll bring my church group around the store approximately one minute before you're scheduled to close. On a Friday night, and we'll go through our receipts item by item and haggle over discounts/competitor pricing until we're satisfied. Each and every one of us.

20) I always put fake numbers on the little twist-tie things, and then get really really aggressive when you punch the number in to discover that it's incorrect and/or assigned to another product.

21) I use my neighbour's membership card, which I stole when she asked me to take in her mail while she was away on vacation. The joke's on you. HAHA.

22) You're lying.

What KONG said.

Seriously. If you hate you job and you hate your customers, you're just making life suck FOR YOU.

Grocery clerks, unless they're particularly cute, are forgotten and purged from my memory steps from the cash register. In fact, I'd prefer those self-checkouts just so I DON'T have to deal with bitter retail service workers. Those ATMs work great so I don't have to deal with bitter bank tellers, etc, etc...

Posted by fedge Those ATMs work great so I don't have to deal with bitter bank tellers, etc, etc...

But you can't hassle them with inane questions, personal cheques and pleads for discounts because you know so-ands-'s great-aunt's hairdresser or some shit.

I've actually quit that job now.


And everything in there is stuff that's actually happened while I was working there.

back in late 2005, I had a brief flirtation with working retail. It was brief enough where I never ever want to do it again. First was working at a Home Depot in Williston, VT. Those people are displaced New Jersey and Long Island pagans and are of the devil. I had one asshole back me into a corner, poking his finger in my chest because I did not have a truck he could rent. He poked me three times... On the third poke, I gave him a mighty shove, told him to go fuck himself, took that ghey orange apron off, flung it at the department manager who was just standing there looking an idiot. I told her what she could do with the job, and how far she could cram it. Out the door I went and never looked back.

After that, i worked in a parts store which wasn't bad, but you'd get people who knew nothing about their own car trying to order parts, people who were pissed at the world, people who wanted the most esoteric shit. I had one guy come into the store. He was pasty white with dreds. This was the conversation almost verbatim:

"Um, i need like brakes for my car."
What kind of car do you have?
"it's blue."
What's the make and model?
"it's a blue car with four doors"

it just went downhill from there...

You need a job that doesn't include customer relations. A little prozac wouldn't hurt either

Posted by Debi You need a job that doesn't include customer relations. A little prozac wouldn't hurt either

No. Samurai needs a job that features the use of high caliber weaponry, little responsibility, frequent drug use, and occasional sexytime.

i have never, ever, encountered any of these situations, ever, in a grocery store. Did i mention ever?

Posted by emck00 i have never, ever, encountered any of these situations, ever, in a grocery store. Did i mention ever?

that's because you live in New York where we are mostly normal.

Posted by Samurai that's because you live in New York where we are mostly normal.

Mostly, but not completely.

Posted by KublaKhan No. Samurai needs a job that features the use of high caliber weaponry, little responsibility, frequent drug use, and occasional sexytime.

I was referring to Mendori about no further customer relations jobs and the suggestion of prozac.

I think Sam would just drive his car through the store front; which I would enjoy seeing, by the way

I work in retail, although not a grocery store, and even though it may not be the best or highest paying job in the world, I don't hate my job or the customers at all. This is partly due to the fact that I know I will not be working at this job for the rest of my life. It's temporary and I figure that I might as well enjoy it, rather than be some pessimistic douche. I do my job well, I treat customers well, so there's really nothing to bitch about.

Posted by Debi I was referring to Mendori about no further customer relations jobs and the suggestion of prozac. I think Sam would just drive his car through the store front; which I would enjoy seeing, by the way

I guess if the high caliber weaponry includes something like a Hummer, and the drugs included something like some of my personal stash, the lack of responsibility could include driving through a store window.

it's all good.

Posted by Debi I was referring to Mendori about no further customer relations jobs and the suggestion of prozac. I think Sam would just drive his car through the store front; which I would enjoy seeing, by the way

Oh, the customers loved me. I was their favourite employee. I just couldn't stand THEM.

Posted by Mendori Oh, the customers loved me. I was their favourite employee. I just couldn't stand THEM.

And what was it about them...collectively and/or personally, that offended you?

Posted by KublaKhan And what was it about them...collectively and/or personally, that offended you?

They were all idiots. See first post.

Posted by Mendori They were all idiots. See first post.

Sadly, you're probably correct. The customer, who is always right, is generally always wrong. A typical customer has no idea whatsoever what it is they need/want. That's why advertising is a multibillion dollar a year industry.

The other sad thing is that you, as a cashier, are the last company representative the customer is likely to see/speak with before loading the car with the shit they just purchased. That places a real burden on you as an individual. I'm sure you couldn't care less whether the customer had a great day, or that they were able/unable to locate the jar of BLAH in the YADDA section, even though it has been in the same section, on the same shelf, for the last ten years. If these people were able to locate the item the last 25 times, it's a real puzzle as to how they were unable to locate it this time.

So, in this respect, I feel your pain.

On the other hand, your job is to push buttons, and then load the shit into bags, and then take their money, and then give them a receipt for all the useless shit they bought. It's not rocket science, and the fact that my local grocery store employs morons...literally...testifies to the simple truth that some jobs are far below the average intelligence of a garden variety guy like me. And if I were in your position...past as that position may be...I'd be lighting up the fatties the instant I punched out for the day.

Not that I don't do that already...just sayin.

Smiling isn't hard work. Being polite in the face is another's rudeness isn't hand-to-hand combat. Being professional at all times while earning a living IS hard work. Being helpful to people who don't give a fuck about you, per se, is the challenge.

YES, and don't forget, you never know who you'll run into down the line and what that person may be able to accomplish for you.

i.e., your a dickwad to the same customer for months or even years. Next thing you know, your on your way to a job interview to what you consider to be "an opportunity of a lifetime".

But, OH SHIT! Look who is going to be interviewing you; Its the person you made sure you were rude to every damn time they came through your line.

One just never knowz . . .