Two tramps were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one tramp said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a £20. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other tramp said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first tramp. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other tramp said, "No, I never found her head."

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.
"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the
wife's knickers off!"
"What's the rush?" his mate asked.
"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me"

St. Peter meets Mother Theresa at the Gates Of Heaven and
says, "You were a good woman. I'm giving you a nice halo."
Mother Theresa is walking around Heaven when she sees
Princess Di, and the Princess has a much bigger halo.
Mother Theresa goes back to St. Peter and says, "St. Peter, I
spent most of my adult life helping the poor and the sickly.
Princess Di did nowhere near the amount of charitable work I
did. Why does she have a bigger halo?"
St. Peter says, "That's not a halo. That's a steering wheel."

#1 was excellent.

#'s 2 & 3 weren't so excellent. In fact, they sucked.

Posted by KublaKhan #1 was excellent. #'s 2 & 3 weren't so excellent. In fact, they sucked.

You have to stop getting offended by Princess Diana jokes. It's been years - let it go, man.

Posted by metawaffle You have to stop getting offended by Princess Diana jokes. It's been years - let it go, man.

Princess Diana jokes are getting old too man. Let it go.


A drunk happens to stumble by a river where the preacher is baptising people.

The preacher sees the drunk and says "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

"Yup" the drunk replies.

The preacher takes the drunk, dumps him under the water and pulls him up.

"Have you found Jesus?" asked the preacher.

Spluttering water, the drunk replies "No." and the preacher dunks his head under again.

Pulling him up, the preacher asks loudly, "Have you found Jesus?"

"No" the drunk replies after coughing out some more water and is dunked again.

The preacher pulls the drunk up after a longer interval and yells
"HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?"

The drunk, after coughing more water out, replies in a panicked voice,

"ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHERE HE FELL IN?"

why did tigger smell so bad?

















because he played with pooh all day

Posted by metawaffle You have to stop getting offended by Princess Diana jokes. It's been years - let it go, man.

I was offended by the (lack of) quality of the joke. It wasn't funny.

Find me a funny Dead Di joke, and I'll lol until the cows come home.

Posted by KublaKhan I was offended by the (lack of) quality of the joke. It wasn't funny. Find me a funny Dead Di joke, and I'll lol until the cows come home.

Yeah, I know It was supposed to be a witty response, but I failed miserably...

Quote for the day



"Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."

The Haircut

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking American Airlines," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"American Airlines?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. You'll be at the back of St Peter's Square and from that distance he'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty haircut?"

This is cute....bad name for a dog.

Everybody who has a dog calls it something like "Rover" or "Spot" or "Bruno" But I thought I'd call my dog "Sex."

Now my dog, Sex, has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the city hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too". Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said that I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with us. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the hotel was for sex. So I finally said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I told him, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." HE called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I told the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran away. I spent hours looking for him around town. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?" I told him, "I'm looking for Sex." My trial comes up Friday

Posted by PorkChopExpress Quote for the day "Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of shit."

My balls live in her purse. If what you say is true, I'm eagerly awaiting the results.

Whats the difference between Princess Di and a homeless guy?
The homeless guy sees the light at the end of the tunnel.

Posted by Opheliaism This is cute....bad name for a dog. Everybody who has a dog calls it something like "Rover" or "Spot" or "Bruno" But I thought I'd call my dog "Sex."

if i ever have a dog (which i won't) i'm going to name it damnit.

"sit, damnit!"
"stay, damnit!"
"damnit, get outta there!"
"holy fucking shit, damnit!"
etc, etc, etc...







penis says to the balls: "hey guys, i'm takin you to PARTY!!!"

balls reply: "BULLSHIT. you always go inside and leave us outside knocking."

A guy and his son are at a coffee shop. The dad is having his coffee and the son is playing with a quarter. The boy would flip the quarter in the air and catch it with his teeth. The boy kept this up and without warning, the quarter slipped through his teeth and got caught in his throat.

When the boy started choking, the father yelled for help. A man at another table, dressed in a business suit, put down his newspaper, came over calmly, grabbed the boy's testicles in his hand and gave a hard squeeze. The boy coughed and the quarter flew out. The man reluctantly handed the quarter to the boy's father, returned to his table, calmly picked up his newspaper and kept reading.

After the father made sure his son was okay, he went over to the man.

"Sir, I want to thank you for saving my boy's life" he said to the man. "Where did you learn that trick?"

The man replied, "I'm a tax collector for Revenue Canada".

Posted by don_corleyone if i ever have a dog (which i won't) i'm going to name it damnit. "sit, damnit!" "stay, damnit!" "damnit, get outta there!" "holy fucking shit, damnit!" etc, etc, etc...

I name my Cat Damnit for exactly the same reason ;)

A simple explanation of how the Stock Market works:



Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the
villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all
these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

E Harmony Application




Dear Applicant:


I'm sorry to advise that after careful consideration,
your application to join our online dating service has
been rejected.


Question Ten on the "About Myself" section of the
form was:


'What do you like most in a woman?'

'My dick' is not an appropriate answer!


Thank you for your interest in E Harmony.

The Screening Committee

you are insane porkchop lmao