Posted by DJ Craig polyamory =/= polygamy!!! Polygamy refers to the religion-based middle-eastern tradition of men having many wives. Has nothing to do with responsible, consensual non-monogamy.

I would like to point out that I was talking about polyamory when I said "polygamy". I know the difference between the two, but I was very drunk last night and was spelling "polyamory" wrong and picked "polygamy" from my choices not really paying attention. Woo, Makers Mark.

Posted by SaraBellum I would like to point out that I was talking about polyamory when I said "polygamy". I know the difference between the two, but I was very drunk last night and was spelling "polyamory" wrong and picked "polygamy" from my choices not really paying attention. Woo, Makers Mark.

lol I gotcha! I've been there...

Posted by hydrotherapy She didn't state a "theory", she stated her own personal experience and what one has experienced can NEVER be incorrect. It either happened, or it didn't. It may not be telling on the whole, and certainly not scientific, but I've also encountered the exact same thing Sara has in my run-ins with people claiming to by polyamorous. Typically fairly young, very often emotionally distressed or hurt over something or other, and either a very strong (to the point of overbearing) dominant personality, or a very weak (to the point of unthinking acquiescence) submissive personality. Most of the people I have met who happily and healthily balance multiple partners and relationships have never classified themselves, and shudder a bit when the topic is brought up. Doesn't mean you're all like that, and it doesn't mean you need to throw a little snit fit (thank you for your reasonably response, Craig) but it's the majority of what I have experienced with people.

You have to understand. It is quite often that people become dismissive to me and my ideas because of age. A sore spot if you call it such. I happen to find that conservatism hides behind a guise of "wisdom". While one thing might be wise for you, is utterly disaster for me.

Your point about those who shudder when the mere name of polyamoury is mentioned is one that makes perfect sense. To be classified is death. Labels are used to in essence marginalize people. But the human mind is limited. To speak of how and why I am who I am, would take a very long time, and would be filled with many stories. All to explain a relationship style. So labeling oneself just makes it easier, because the human mind will just generalize anyway.

Also, how you described most "poly" people you know, sounds like every monogamous person I have either dated, or seen their relationship(albeit from the outside?) People are fucked emotionally, and there are always power dynamics.

Wait so how is this different from "open relationship"? Or is it just in the same vein? I see a person saying they aren't "polyamorous" yet they'd previously claimed (to another person, not myself) to be in an "open relationship". How is this different?

Posted by dirt You have to understand. It is quite often that people become dismissive to me and my ideas because of age. A sore spot if you call it such.

He speaks the truth. I don't think Dirt intended what he said earlier to sound like he was "throwing a snit fit"

Also, how you described most "poly" people you know, sounds like every monogamous person I have either dated, or seen their relationship(albeit from the outside?) People are fucked emotionally, and there are always power dynamics.

SO many of the arguments that people use to criticize polyamory can be used just as well against serial monogamy, which is the way that most people approach relationships. People see a poly relationship fail, or lead to some drama and they say "SEE, poly doesn't work!!!"...because monogamous relationships never fail? Yeah...

Posted by Emma Peel Wait so how is this different from "open relationship"? Or is it just in the same vein? I see a person saying they aren't "polyamorous" yet they'd previously claimed (to another person, not myself) to be in an "open relationship". How is this different?

"Open relationship" is a more broad, vaguely defined term for any relationship that allows some form of non-monogamy. It might be a romantic relationship that allows certain outside sexual encounters but is romantically exclusive, or vice-versa. Hell, I've heard some people say they were in an "open relationship" because they had a threesome once.

Polyamory is a much more clearly defined sub-category of open relationships that refers specifically to romantically non-monogamous relationships. Polyamorous people don't just fuck a bunch of people; they have multiple loving, romantic relationships simultaneously.

Of course, this is just the way I look at it, especially when it comes to the term "open relationship" which seems to mean something completely different to every person who uses it.

Open relationships:
http://en.wikipedi...Open_relationships

Polyamory:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

AND we can't leave out swinging, which might also be considered another form of open relationships but NOT polyamory:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swinging

(ZOMG POLYAMORY =/= SWINGING!!!!!!)

EDIT:
I should add to this that every relationship is its own thing and very often people's relationships are very difficult to fit into these categories. In any relationship, especially non-monogamous ones, the couple has to discuss and establish their own boundaries and rules and comfort zones. These labels very often don't fully describe the structure of a relationship; they're just a vague attempt to quickly give people a general idea of what the hell you're talking about when you try to describe something as potentially complicated as the structure of a relationship.

Not personally polyamorous myself, but I belong to a community of folk where that seems to be the norm. Well, open relationships in general. (Probably an exaggeration a bit, not all are open relationship/poly/swingers, etc) But yes, I know a couple that has 4 other guys in their relationship, each shares a part of the relationship, and everyone had input before a new one was added. It works well for them, and it's going on 4 years them doing this.

My man and I tried a sorta polyamory thing and it blew up solidly in our faces due to a lack of communication. Folks...this is a BIG key thing to this...TALK TALK TALK AND TALK SOME MORE. Had there been better veins of communication and less assuming, I think things would have went far more swimmingly.

However, we do have a guy that is rather close to us, there's no sexual involvement, so I'm not sure if it counts. Perhaps it does. I've never known how this all works. And yes, I've read wiki and such, but it seems to only confuddle me more.

I have nothing against it, I just am not at a point in my life where I want to share sexually. Wouldn't be fair to the other, because I'd only be thinking of my boyfriend the entire time.

But sex is sex, and love is love. It's the same argument I use to explain pansexuality (I'm going to stop before I completely derail your thread again)

Posted by jellybeans95 Not personally polyamorous myself, but I belong to a community of folk where that seems to be the norm. Well, open relationships in general. (Probably an exaggeration a bit, not all are open relationship/poly/swingers, etc) But yes, I know a couple that has 4 other guys in their relationship, each shares a part of the relationship, and everyone had input before a new one was added. It works well for them, and it's going on 4 years them doing this.

That's awesome! I love meeting people like that. They make me so happy.

My man and I tried a sorta polyamory thing and it blew up solidly in our faces due to a lack of communication. Folks...this is a BIG key thing to this...TALK TALK TALK AND TALK SOME MORE. Had there been better veins of communication and less assuming, I think things would have went far more swimmingly.

This is SO TRUE. Communication is EXTREMELY important in ALL relationships but especially in polyamory. Honest, open communication builds trust, which is absolutely essential.

However, we do have a guy that is rather close to us, there's no sexual involvement, so I'm not sure if it counts. Perhaps it does. I've never known how this all works. And yes, I've read wiki and such, but it seems to only confuddle me more.

That's up to you. It counts if you think it counts! I definitely don't think the term "poly" has to necessarily imply there are outside sexual relationships.

Wikipedia can do that sometimes. Sorry to sound like a broken record, but The Ethical Slut explains it all much better than Wikipedia does. Also, look at the first FAQ link I posted in this thread. It's a really good introductory article.

But sex is sex, and love is love. It's the same argument I use to explain pansexuality (I'm going to stop before I completely derail your thread again)

lol it's OK, I consider myself to be somewhat pansexual as well

I've never seriously thought about it before 'till recently. The main reason being I've never been with someone that I trusted enough to be able to include another person in sex. My boyfriend and I have a very loving relationship and we both explore our sexuality together harmoniously. We both know neither of us is going anywhere so why not test the boundaries?

History:

My boyfriend is 32 and is the general manager of an adult store. Actually how we met. Most people at first glance think our relationship is purely physical, but I can't even begin to describe how far from the truth it is. Some people wonder how I don't get jealous when random girls hit on him at the shop, but it doesn't phase me in the least. We both have similar views on the general public and are somewhat relieved to have found each other. I never though I'd find someone as multidimensional as myself.

We don't consider ourselves anything, but a loving and devoted couple who are open to whatever experiences life has to offer.

What better circumstance to explore our sexuality than this?

Posted by theRequ13m Most people at first glance think our relationship is purely physical, but I can't even begin to describe how far from the truth it is.

I was hoping you would join in on this thread! From knowing you, even without having met him I can vouch for that!

Read The Ethical Slut!

Posted by DJ Craig Read The Ethical Slut!

The amount that you've recommended this in this thread alone, I feel I must!

And I understand the 'label' rationale- both the limitations but also why to use them. I guess it could be rather tedious in a conversation to spend 10 minutes with someone trying to define the minutia of how you view your sexuality/relationship(s), when a single word can suffice well enough. People will extract and make their own judgments as they will, so I suppose saving your breath and explaining more further down the line if anyone asks is pretty pragmatic.

Great thread, thoroughly enjoying reading it.

If we all masturbated more, there would be no need for this thread.

Posted by DJ Craig Read The Ethical Slut!

Yay more books for me! Almost done with The Spiders of Allah. That shall be next

Posted by DJ Craig That's awesome! I love meeting people like that. They make me so happy.

I tell ya, it has to be a real effort, but I'm sure it's a labor of love. Personally, I think that many would be a crowd to me, but good on them for being able to make it work. And after re-reading my previous post, I may have stereotyped a bit saying "polyamory and open relationships are the norm". I just seem to see it more in said community than elsewhere. Then again, I may be a tad sheltered or old-fashioned in my thinking though. Prior to two or three years ago, I knew of swingers, and that was about the extent of things concerning open/poly relationships. Oh and that Mormons could have multiple wives. I prefer to adhere to the KISS rule.... Keep It Simple, Stupid. Less hurt feelings, less drama, less chance for misinterpretation. I'm not closed-minded about it, but it's just interesting to watch it play out. Like you said, seeing other relationships is a learning experience.


And funny story, my boyfriend and I met because of a failed attempt at open relationships on his and his (now) ex's end. Once again, things weren't spelled out and were still in the planning phase, alcohol got involved and next thing you know, it's a big ugly mess.

Seeing the folks around me who are poly/open, I've seen some it works GREAT for, some would work with more communication, and others just use it as a justification for boffing everything with two legs and a pulse. THOSE are the ones that irritate me. Call a spade a spade after all. I've seen more drama ensue because someone take "open relationship" to mean "go out and bump uglies with everyone in a 50 mile radius and that's perfectly a-ok". It's always wonderful in the middle of a party to have someone cause a catastrophic shitstorm over this. *rolls eyes*

I've also seen a few couples do the pet/master thing. Where a couple will have a third person who may or may not be sexually involved with them, but they have a certain degree of say over that person. Most of that seems to be part of the D/s following.

As for the other guy, I wouldn't quite say it's a poly relationship, but he is VERY close to us. Somewhere between "really good friend" and "another involved in the relationship"... if that makes sense.

Posted by maypost If we all masturbated more, there would be no need for this thread.

Bullshit.

For example, my gf and I are going through a bit of a dry spell. I probably wank at least 3 times a day. Last night, she and I made love, and afterwards she said that I looked as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I looked a great deal happier.

Posted by dirt Bullshit. For example, my gf and I are going through a bit of a dry spell. I probably wank at least 3 times a day. Last night, she and I made love, and afterwards she said that I looked as though a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders, and I looked a great deal happier.

Oh I know how that feels. Actually just got laid for the first time in a week and I thought it was a long time. Excessive masturbation gets lonely after a while too.

Posted by dirt I probably wank at least 3 times a day.

Thanks for letting us know. Seriously, though, why so much?

Because masturbation is fun, healthy, passes time, relieves stress, and feels damn good?

Posted by Oryx Because masturbation is fun, healthy, passes time, relieves stress, and feels damn good?

+1

Posted by Oryx Because masturbation is fun, healthy, passes time, relieves stress, and feels damn good?

second