Hypothetically. Someone makes multiple attempts to cheat while you're with him. The girls (as far as i know) were unavailable. But they still shared tons of inappropriate conversations and again, had made the efforts to physically cheat. Ok. Say you've forgiven that cheater (emotionally), but they still need to earn your trust back. They seem to think you're not going to worry about fidelity @ all, though the incidents were only a few months ago. How does one explain to the cheater that trust must be earned? And one thing they could do to help it along is to stop saying sexually inappropriate things about exes, etc. I mean, given time, i'm sure the trust can be earned back. But the dear cheater won't even let you forget the past. And if you mention one of the ladies, he says something off-topic and sexual about that "person". This is all hypothetical, of course.

Regaining trust! If only there was an answer to that one. I was just this morning discussing with my four-year-old that we tell the truth because it's so difficult to rebuild trust once it's compromised.

From his perspective, it's surely easy to think 'well, things are good, and I'm not doing anything sneaky, so she doesn't need to worry.' Maybe it would help to let the would-be-cheater know that over time, you can't each just assume you're still number one in their affections, and you each need validation and reassurance, even when things are going well.

Once it's gone, it's gone.

No way to fix that, as far as I am concerned.

Sam and I have this discussion from time to time. Usually it's the "If you ever cheated on me, I would..." thing. We've both come to the agreement that if either of us did that, it'd be over, end of story. Even trying to cheat comes into it.

The thing is, I couldn't bring myself to trust anyone that cheated on me anyway. I wouldn't trust anyone that did anything even close to cheating on me. There's no way in hell I would or could.

The attempt to cheat would bother me, it would be the one thing in the back of my mind that would drive me batshit crazy. Even if I were still with him, there's no way I could even come close to trusting him.

I'd just give up, tell him to hit the road and start over.

Shael

Hm. Well, I've never been able to forgive anyone for something like this before, maybe because I've never been given the chance to. But i believe that he genuinely (hypothetically) feels sorry. So i forgave him. that felt good. still does. However, he still manages to say some really awful things. Things that i HAVE to get over to even enjoy sex. Maybe the hypothetical cheater would listen to me if i said what meta did. I do feel, though, that my trust can be earned back. If the hypothetical person takes the care to help rebuild it.

Posted by Emma Peel Maybe the hypothetical cheater would listen to me if i said what meta did. I do feel, though, that my trust can be earned back. If the hypothetical person takes the care to help rebuild it.

Hypothetically, good luck, Emma. It hurts when you can't trust someone because they won't let you.

I don't know what else to say except good luck to you both and I hope you're not over your head.

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

Makes me so glad I'm not in (hypothetical) situations like yours.

It might also be useful to find out how this hypothetical man feels about the sort of person he'll be if he makes the adjustments you need. He might be worried he won't know what to do with himself if he's not making wisecracks!

LOL

Hypothetical question is not Hypothetical.

To be honest, Shael has it ass backwards.

To answer the question, I have to ask a question. How invested in this relationship are you? Are you willing to see the worst of this person? To see what makes him tick, what are the motivations, hurts, preferences etc. If you are, be prepared for a long talk, weeks maybe. Maybe even months. Work on non violent communication. Like instead of faulting him for what he does that hurts you. Take responsibility for your own feelings, and tell him about them. The point about re-trusting someone, is that it's not about them at all. You make the choice to trust him or not. That simple. If he can't communicate openly and honestly, then you two WILL fail. There is no way around that. The best way to get him to do this is give him emotional space to do so. That means holding back feelings of pain, of wrath, jealousy etc. That way you can start on a new foundation with all things known. If you can't do this you two WILL fail. It may be that mid way through all these talks you find that he is not who you think he is. You might not even like who he really is. If this is the case, and you two split up, at least you dodged a bullet. Or you might find that his secret parts meshes with your secret parts. But to say that once trust is gone, it's gone, is backwards jealous talk. Un-evolved possessive gibberish.

Maybe a hypothetical person to person talk is in order, serious-wise, about your feelings towards him and the whole affairs thing. Tell him you don't like it when he makes those jokes about the hypothetical women in question and that it would be best to drop it. If he takes it seriously and makes an effort to let bygones be bygones, see where it goes. If he plays it off as you being jealous and keeps 'em cracking, maybe it's time to have a look at pulling the plug, so to speak.

It's never easy to pull the plug, but sometimes you just need to do it. Hypothetically speaking, of course!

Forgiveness can be a wonderful thing. CAN be. So long as you're not being stepped on, forgiveness can strengthen a relationship.

I used to think if someone cheated on me, they were horrible people that can't be forgiven, but I later learned that "cheating" seems to be human nature. We're sexual creatures. My bf tells me all the time about the married men who will come into his shop with a different hooker each time, or married women who come accompanied by a young man half their age. Whether the partner knows it or not, it seems to happen more frequently than we'd like to imagine. According to our culture this is negative, but like dirt said, in a committed relationship one needs to accept the flaws of the individual for it to work.

Posted by Oryx Forgiveness can be a wonderful thing. CAN be. So long as you're not being stepped on, forgiveness can strengthen a relationship. I used to think if someone cheated on me, they were horrible people that can't be forgiven, but I later learned that "cheating" seems to be human nature. We're sexual creatures. My bf tells me all the time about the married men who will come into his shop with a different hooker each time, or married women who come accompanied by a young man half their age. Whether the partner knows it or not, it seems to happen more frequently than we'd like to imagine. According to our culture this is negative, but like dirt said, in a committed relationship one needs to accept the flaws of the individual for it to work.

....Are you validating him for lying and cheating?

Posted by Emma Peel However, he still manages to say some really awful things.

That one right there might even be the bigger issue for you. It is unlikely to change. Even if you get across the message that those things make you uncomfortable and you don't want to hear them, that's not going to change the fact that his mind works that way. Best case scenario is that he takes your feelings to heart and respects you enough to make a conscious effort to avoid saying such things. But that doesn't change who he is, and how his mind works.

What I'm saying is, like most things to make a relationship work, you'll do better to find a way to learn to accept something yourself then to try to make someone else change. When things work really well, both people will be making changes to themselves to be better, but you can't ever count on them to make the changes you want




EDIT:
I forgot to add the very important corollary... that if you are not able to accept things that you need to accept to be happy, then that shit ain't gonna work. No matter how much love there is, making yourself miserable is a stupid thing to do.

Posted by Oryx....but like dirt said, in a committed relationship one needs to accept the flaws of the individual for it to work.

This is BS. No excuse for cheating, kick their ass to the curb. Cheating is not a flaw to accept. There is a lot to be said for keeping respect for yourself high and not being a chump.

Posted by Esoterik This is BS. No excuse for cheating, kick their ass to the curb. Cheating is not a flaw to accept. There is a lot to be said for keeping respect for yourself high and not being a chump.

You're saying the same thing. You have to be willing to accept it for it to work. If not, then yeah, geddafuckout.

On him saying nasty things.... I realize I might have to accept that's how his mind works. But... we discussed yesterday.

Me: Have you ever just wanted to bash your car into the other ones around it?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Me too. But I don't. Have you?
Him: Yeah, all the time! No... I really haven't.
Me: So you're capable of having an urge to do something but not actually doing it?
Him: ................noooooooooooo........

I just wish he'd give me like... a few days to recover from it. He's doing better, recently. I think that following this thread as been good for both of us. If you guys have anything else to add, please do.

I think what it comes down to here is whether we care enough about each other to meet each other's needs while still having our own met.

Oh crap. HE can see this thread? Christ.

Posted by Emma Peel On him saying nasty things.... I realize I might have to accept that's how his mind works. But... we discussed yesterday. Me: Have you ever just wanted to bash your car into the other ones around it? Him: Yeah. Me: Me too. But I don't. Have you? Him: Yeah, all the time! No... I really haven't. Me: So you're capable of having an urge to do something but not actually doing it? Him: ................noooooooooooo........ I just wish he'd give me like... a few days to recover from it. He's doing better, recently. I think that following this thread as been good for both of us. If you guys have anything else to add, please do. I think what it comes down to here is whether we care enough about each other to meet each other's needs while still having our own met.

FOR THE RECORD!

I actually went into a long story about how I smash into cars on the sides of the road while driving. You kept asking me really and I eventually said no, of course not. Then you asked me "So you're capable of having an urge to do something but not actually doing it?" and I wasn't listening much so I said no. <3

Edit: Love you!!

Posted by ActionSatisfaction Esq. FOR THE RECORD! I actually went into a long story about how I smash into cars on the sides of the road while driving. You kept asking me really and I eventually said no, of course not. Then you asked me "So you're capable of having an urge to do something but not actually doing it?" and I wasn't listening much so I said no. <3 Edit: Love you!!

Yeah, but I didn't wanna go into all of that. You butthole.

Edit: So.... you AREN'T capable of having an urge to do something and self-restraining? Perhaps a frontal lobotomy is in order.

So, is it true that you aren't incapable of not resisting impulses?

Posted by MutantMandias So, is it true that you aren't incapable of not resisting impulses?

One, Two, three. Three negatives. Ah ah ah ah ah!