I'm going to try to make this as short as possible, as I tend toward the verbose. I doubt that I'll be successful.

Out of the last four friendships of mine that have ended, three ended in hostility toward me. This thread is about the most recent one, which, I guess, ended this morning.

I have/had a friend who's an intellectual property attorney. Up until yesterday, I thought that she was a pretty awesome person. She has great taste in music, we seemed to have a lot in common, and we were getting along pretty well. I thought that the building blocks for a good friendship were there.

Her job as an IP attorney is stressful because of how much time she has to put in, due not only to the work that she does for clients, but also because she's one of only two partners, and attorneys all total, in the firm, which is still relatively new, so there's a lot of legwork involved. Therefore, she doesn't have as much time as she may like to read and answer stuff online. She told me a couple of weeks ago that trying to keep up with the frequency of my comments on her Facebook posts was stressing her out, so I asked her if she wanted me to cut down, and she said yes. I obliged, and lowered my comment frequency by around 50%.

Things seemed to be going pretty good until Friday, when a friend of hers took a shot at me on Facebook regarding my "elaborately" worded responses. She said nothing, either to her, or to me. I refused to dignify her friend's insult with a direct response, so I asked my friend about it via text the next morning. No response. After a blown photo trip with another friend, I left a comment on her FB wall late that night, asking if she'd gotten the text. Still, no response. I was content to chalk it up to her simply being really busy, though I was a little suspicious. That was, until the incident on Monday.

She made a comment about feeling funny about getting an e-mail about her NEXUS card from the Department of Homeland Security. I responded by asking why she had both a passport and NEXUS because it seemed redundant. She began her response to that with, "Are you being daft and annoying on purpose?" I responded to that and the rest of the comment by asking her to chill, then explaining why I was, in fact, not being "daft and annoying" by mentioning the facts that the NEXUS sites don't say anything about needing a passport, that I had to find that info elsewhere, and that a passport was NOT required when the program first began.

If you're still reading, you may be wondering, "What was her response to this?" Well, here's what I got. I was de-friended by her on Facebook this morning. Additionally, she left a comment on her wall, which stated, "sometimes some people cannot be helped." I don't think that I'm being at all paranoid by assuming that it's about me.

I'm really confused about this turn of events, how she could go from being friendly with me to being outright hostile in a matter of just a couple of days. If anyone wants to offer their thoughts, I'm all ears.

women are bitches. she sounds like she thinks she's too good for your time, and unfortunately women are often very very very very very easily influenced by their bitchy, stupid friends.
Sometimes the friend just has to say "that guys a loser, ditch him" and *BAM* they're out of your life.
My advice: she wasn't really a friend. don't sweat her.

Sources:
I have a vagina

She's spending way too much time at work and online for her own good. When people depend on the computer too much for social contact it gets a lot easier to rage at people over a misspoken word. we see it in here all the time. that's why we need real contact with people outside of work. Real interaction, real hugs and handshakes, real laughter, a real sense that when you talk, real people are listening to you and agreeing with you and supporting you.

Working your ass off and coming home to a computer is no way to live and will burn you out fast. In my opinion, that's where she is. She needs to take a break and re-evaluate her priorities because if she's going to rage at you for something simple like that, she's clearly not happy. You could also shift your priorities to people whom you can have more facetime with and schoolyard crap like this will roll off your back a lot easier. If these last four friendships were online ones, i wouldnt be that concerned but you need to have an active social life that doesnt revolve around the computer screen. it's not healthy and this is a very good example of the kind of unhealthiness in our relationships that computers create.

Posted by Yield women are bitches. she sounds like she thinks she's too good for your time, and unfortunately women are often very very very very very easily influenced by their bitchy, stupid friends. Sometimes the friend just has to say "that guys a loser, ditch him" and *BAM* they're out of your life. My advice: she wasn't really a friend. don't sweat her.

I don't think that her friends had anything to do with this, as she seems to be a pretty independent woman, and one of her best ones is actually ultra-nice and a good influence, but yeah, I can agree on the "wasn't really a friend" part.

steponmebbbboom, that's the thing. She doesn't spend a whole lot of time on her computer unless it's work-related. She spends loads of time on her work, likely 60-70 hours a week, every week (just a guess), probably more, so she has very little free time. The frequency and length of my responses was cutting into said free time, which is why I did my best to cut back on both.

The four friendships were all in person AND online. You are, however, right about a couple of things.

This particular friend told me straight out that going into her chosen field of law was a mistake, and that she hates her career so much that if she had it to do over again, she'd instead go on a lecture circuit, advising people not to go into law. Frankly, I don't know why she's still doing it, because she's ridiculously well-educated (Master of Chemical Engineering, Bachelors of Biological Sciences and Psychology, and a Juris Doctor) and has loads of work experience, so she can do pretty much whatever she wants. She's only 34 or 35, so it's not too late for her to make a new career choice, especially with her credentials.

Also, I DO need friends who are willing to give me more face time. That was a sticking point in one of the four recently ended friendships, and may have been with this one, as well, had it continued. I was hoping for a deeper friendship, since I currently don't have any, and I didn't get it, and may never have gotten it.

Posted by Yield Sources: I have a vagina

hahahah!!!! FTW!!!

You're right, though... Spot fucking on.

He would do well to again read what you have to say.

Anyone else reminded of the SouthPark facebook episode?

Posted by MrMusik He would do well to again read what you have to say.

I did. Yield may very well be right, but I really don't think that what she suggested is the case here.

Posted by jeepdave Anyone else reminded of the SouthPark facebook episode?

I haven't seen SP in ages, and never watched that episode, so no.

Posted by jeepdave Anyone else reminded of the SouthPark facebook episode?

I saw it last night and read this today. It always amazes me how they can write those shows so quickly after the actual events happen.

Posted by jeepdave Anyone else reminded of the SouthPark facebook episode?

Hehe Cramer was so impressed with the "Mad Friends" clip that he had it playing in the background of the show for a few days

Anyway... yeah the girl seems waaay to arrogant, which means she's probably horribly insecure about something. If she doesn't deal with that, she'll likely have more problems keeping friends than you think you have. If she tries to apologize, regardless of whether or not you accept it, make it very clear that you will not tolerate being treated like shit.

Posted by Oryx Anyway... yeah the girl seems waaay to arrogant, which means she's probably horribly insecure about something. If she doesn't deal with that, she'll likely have more problems keeping friends than you think you have. If she tries to apologize, regardless of whether or not you accept it, make it very clear that you will not tolerate being treated like shit.

I know that she has some insecurities, but she never opened up enough for me to figure out what they are. Speaking of friend problems, I just talked with one of hers who I know about what happened, and was surprised to find out that, contrary to outward appearances, they aren't that close. It made me wonder if she has any deep friendships. I know that's her preferred type, as we discussed it in brief over Chinese food before a concert, but I think that she's a little too career-focused to have the kind of personal life that she'd like. There's nothing wrong with having a demanding job if you can handle what comes with it, e.g. long hours and high stress, but I think that hers monopolizes a little too much of her time for her own good.

Oh, and if she tries to apologize, I'm already in the process of taking the high road, so I'll be a step ahead. Last night, I finished editing a photo that I'd taken of her and the aforementioned friend, and will be asking said friend to either forward it to her, or at least post it on her FB and tag her.

Hey Shawn - its been a while since we've tackled lifes problems together, hasn't it??

Being in a stressful legal field myself (and not even close to the level of stress in her particular field) she simply may need tons of decompression time; and keeping her friendships tight just isn't something she's able to do (or wants to do).

Do you think you were coming on too strong? Maybe she wasn't ready for the kind of friendship you wanted to forge with her? Like maybe one of those "she's just not that into you" scenarios??

I've learned that REALLY GOOD friends are few and far between; and when our lives are busy, they are even fewer and farther.

And maybe the fact that she hates her job is a factor. After spending that kind of time doing something you despise, it just may make you sour in other facets of your life.

Move along Shawn; you have way too much to offer to spend your days wondering what happened.

Debi, yes, it has been. lol I think that what you said is pretty much right on. I don't think that she has the time for any close friendships, though I'm pretty sure that she'd rather it weren't that way. Also, yeah, I'm sure that at least part of it was because I was coming on too strong. It's just that when I find someone with whom I get along, am comfortable, and have a lot in common, I often want to hang out and talk with them at a frequency that's beyond their comfort zone. It's just part of who I am. Unfortunately, my expectations are often different from theirs, and my intentions misunderstood, things which can easily be cleared up with a simple, short conversation, but it's one that very few people know how or have the respect to start.

Oh, and I keep trying to move on, but I'm not getting very far, at least when it comes to friendships and social interactions. This greatly saddens me. I'm just not the kind of guy many people want to be around in more than a superficial manner, regardless of the many positives that I have to offer. I'm so far outside of their realm of experience that I may as well be an extraterrestrial being.

Quit facebook. Cultivate your friends through one-on-one encounters. I know you said he was busy, give her space. Let her cool off and then ask her if she wants to get together in person. Do this with your voice, not in text.

Posted by Shawn W. Oh, and if she tries to apologize, I'm already in the process of taking the high road, so I'll be a step ahead. Last night, I finished editing a photo that I'd taken of her and the aforementioned friend, and will be asking said friend to either forward it to her, or at least post it on her FB and tag her.

I wouldn't send the photo nor contact her friend. That sounds like a really bad idea actually. That will just reinforce to her that she made the right decision because you won't leave her alone. Just let it go, if she wants to talk again then she will initiate it. And if you leave her alone, she just might.

Places to look for real friendships:

¤Community centres (hamilton has a really groovy one, www.skydragon.org if you think these are lame)

¤Poetry groups (looks like you dabble in poetry, thats how i found my girlfriend)

¤Soup kitchens and homeless missions (girls love a hero and everyone loves a giver)

¤go back to school (community college) youre a liberal arts major and youre having trouble making friends?

seriously fan-out your IRL activities and find real ways to occupy your social time so you don't come off as too needy. youre not going to have time to swarm anyone and hyperfocus if you have too much activities on your plate. Get Off the Computer

Posted by Esoterik I wouldn't send the photo nor contact her friend. That sounds like a really bad idea actually. That will just reinforce to her that she made the right decision because you won't leave her alone.

Word.

Posted by Shawn W. It's just that when I find someone with whom I get along, am comfortable, and have a lot in common, I often want to hang out and talk with them at a frequency that's beyond their comfort zone. It's just part of who I am. Unfortunately, my expectations are often different from theirs, and my intentions misunderstood, things which can easily be cleared up with a simple, short conversation, but it's one that very few people know how or have the respect to start.

No, that's just not true. If you extend yourself inappropriately into someone's comfort zone, then no conversation is going to resolve it. If you simply do not "get" that you are stepping too far, then that is a fundamental difference that makes you incompatible with that person. Not that your nature is better or worse than theirs, but it just isn't going to work.

Posted by Esoterik I wouldn't send the photo nor contact her friend. That sounds like a really bad idea actually. That will just reinforce to her that she made the right decision because you won't leave her alone. Just let it go, if she wants to talk again then she will initiate it. And if you leave her alone, she just might.

Well, the photo is of her and said friend, the latter of whom is already on my friends list on Facebook. I can't very well avoid everyone I've mentioned in this thread, because they all hang out where I do when I go to clubs.

Posted by steponmebbbboom Places to look for real friendships: ¤Community centres (hamilton has a really groovy one, www.skydragon.org if you think these are lame)

I'm a little far from Hamilton, but thanks for that suggestion.

¤Poetry groups (looks like you dabble in poetry, thats how i found my girlfriend)

Nothing around here, though there used to be, and I used to do open mic poetry. It didn't help me pick up any chicks.

¤Soup kitchens and homeless missions (girls love a hero and everyone loves a giver)

I already do volunteer work at the Amherst Museum , but most people can't get past the atypical mannerisms, vocal patterns, and body language to see what I have to offer.

¤go back to school (community college) youre a liberal arts major and youre having trouble making friends?

I already have an Associate in Arts - Liberal Arts degree (graduated May 2001). I don't recall making any friends in college. That happened outside of college.

seriously fan-out your IRL activities and find real ways to occupy your social time so you don't come off as too needy. youre not going to have time to swarm anyone and hyperfocus if you have too much activities on your plate. Get Off the Computer

I've been trying to get out more. Putting too much on my plate is just going to stress me out. I'm hoping that my photography and DJing will help.

Posted by MutantMandias No, that's just not true. If you extend yourself inappropriately into someone's comfort zone, then no conversation is going to resolve it. If you simply do not "get" that you are stepping too far, then that is a fundamental difference that makes you incompatible with that person. Not that your nature is better or worse than theirs, but it just isn't going to work.

I disagree. As an example, if someone pointed out that I was talking too much with them, or that they simply didn't have the time to hang out, then I'd be more than happy to accommodate that. If I slipped up and crossed that line again, all I'd need is a gentle reminder. However, like I said earlier in this thread, that's a conversation that most people either don't know how or are unwilling to start. It's people like that with whom I'm incompatible.

Posted by Shawn W. I disagree. As an example, if someone pointed out that I was talking too much with them, or that they simply didn't have the time to hang out, then I'd be more than happy to accommodate that. If I slipped up and crossed that line again, all I'd need is a gentle reminder. However, like I said earlier in this thread, that's a conversation that most people either don't know how or are unwilling to start. It's people like that with whom I'm incompatible.

Look, I really don't want to be ugly, but pretty much everything that you are saying here are red flags for me about someone who I do not want to hang out with. I consider it extremely important for a friend to understand and negotiate these things well on their own. If it gets to a point where I have to discuss how you are a pain in the ass, then you are, by definition, a pain in the ass. And it is damned clear that if I have to explain my feelings about it, then there is every reason to believe that you will in fact slip up and cross that line again, and why in the fuck should I go through that much effort just to be pissed off again by someone who doesn't respect or understand what I consider to be a very essential aspect of human relationship?

So, anyway. Not trying to harsh on you. Its all good.

just a shot in the dark here?

http://www.faaas.org/

read this website very carefully and if you think you fit into this category, check the links page for support group information.

Posted by steponmebbbboom just a shot in the dark here? http://www.faaas.org/ read this website very carefully and if you think you fit into this category, check the links page for support group information.

Mandias, I'm going to defer to steponmebbbboom's post to explain this. I do, indeed, have Asperger's Syndrome, and was first diagnosed with it before the DSM-IV was released. I'm not willfully ignorant or disrespectful of the needs of others. Due to Asperger's, I don't intuitively pick up on non-obvious signals from others, be it body language, which includes facial expression, verbal cues, or in writing. It's a learned behavior for me, one which I'm sure that I'll never get quite right, but have greatly improved upon since I was 20. Due to this, I think that my observation skills are better in some ways than a non-autistic person, because I'm often forced to look deeper to achieve a level of comprehension that's usable to me.

With that said, I told my attorney friend about the Asperger's, and also explained how it affected me, and my interactions with others. If my Aspie traits were indeed responsible for the hostile send-off, then she's obviously not equipped or willing to accommodate behavior too far outside of the norm, including mine.