Tales from the drains7 th July 1998

Just Flip It!

One of the weirdest days ever exploring the drains of UA City occurred in 1998 just a week before the Grand Prix here. It started out as a fairly average drain expo but ended up as a fun filled and memorable night, with an amazing ending.

Both Emor and myself were pretty keen to pop down to Albert Park drain to check out the scene and see what the chances were for sneaking into the race on the coming Sunday. Id was also keen to check out the drain even though he had tickets for the race.

Getting to the drain was pretty bad because it was an evening and traffic in this suburb was pretty crap, all sorts of hoons were out driving up and down Main Street. We parked the car near a park on the road that runs past the light rail line and gathered our gear. We planned to travel light in case we needed to make a run for it.

We made for the light rail by walking through a vacant lot then jumped a waist high fence and scrambled up the embankment. We dashed down the other side and climbed over the low fence of the drain directly in view of two puzzled residents of one of the townhouses along side the light rail. I used to be worried about things like that but now I just don�t give a crap because most of those people just mind their own business and don�t care about people teenagers mucking around in drains.

In my opinion Albert Park darkie is one of the most shit drains in UA City. Okay, its' good first time, there�s enough to see to make it interesting, some old graph, the side tunnels up the top and all but it is back breaking. The tunnel is rectangular concrete but it is low! You have to bend double and walk along the tunnel until you back in heaving. The only thing is that you tend to run along the drain, heaved over and looking ahead to avoid bumping your head on the pipe half way along it. Only this night I ran straight into the pipe and just about bowled myself over with the bump to my skull.

The three of us got to the side pipe and started the crawl up to the overflow. This side tunnel is worse than the main tunnel. It is a crawl tunnel, not high enough to walk even doubled over in. We�re crawling along, in the dark mind you because we left all but one flashlight in the main tunnel because its' a bastard to carry them when you�re crawling and because we�re worried about security guards. So we crawl on up this tunnel which is maybe only fifty meters long but it seems like an eternity because you�re on your hands and feet, and knees. We couldn�t see shit so we were hoping we didn�t come down on any glass. Our knees got a bit sore as the concrete in the bottom of the tunnel is bare and rough except for the slime covered center of the tunnel.

So we made it to the overflow and sat there looking out over the lake. It was pretty quiet activity wise, but we could hear some sort of music not far off and figured they were doing sound checks on a sound stage. So we sat down in the overflow and tried to tempt over three ducks who were swimming by. I don�t know what we would have done had we caught them, probably they would have made a racket.

We chatted away, debating if we should go out or not. We felt pretty confident we could at least get out and explore the local area. We figured it looked quiet enough for us to peek out, and we did poke our heads above the lake edge to scope out the area but we were a bit worried about crawling all the way out because we figured they�d have security all over the place. I remember Emor saying something about if we got caught they�d probably figure us for some of those save Albert Park yellow ribbon bunch and arrest us or something.

We had been sitting there for about ten minutes, chatting away and peeking out when a helicopter flew over the area which we sat there admiring. Then, across the lake I spotted a ute with a spotlight on it driving right along the lake shore. It was shining its' spotlight right along the lake�s edge and was coming our way. It was bound to spot us.

" Go, go!" I said and gave Id a shove in the direction of the overflow tunnel, our exit. I was in a hurry to be out of there. I knew that we had shone the one flashlight that we had a few times, and though we had been covering the beam a few glimmers of light had escaped us. Emor meanwhile was wondering what the heck I was on about, he hadn�t spotted the ute and was thinking I was panicked about the helicopter.

With me urging all haste and Id hot on my heels Emor thankfully followed the two of us into the main drain. We rested there a bit before beginning the back breaking task of walking out.

Back at the drain entrance we lay low while we waited for a convoy of cars racing along the perimeter wire to get clear. We jumped over the fence, scrambled over the railway line and made it to the car. Emor said; "What did you panic for? They couldn�t have seen us." I was confused, I didn�t realise he was talking about the helicopter until he said so. Id and I informed him of the ute and spotlight, he agreed our departure had probably been a wise move.

We got back to the car and looked at the Melways to figure out what to do next. Both Emor and I were keen to show Id Bobs, but Id had a bandage on his leg from a dog bite and didn�t want to get it wet. As it turned out, this was very fortuitous.

Choosing to visit Anzac, we drove to a car park, got our gear and wandered down to the Toorak Road entrance. This was right on a busy street in the heart of trendy Prahran. We lifted the grille on a gutterbox, right across the road from a restaurant with patrons still out front and I dropped down into a small side drain and started to crawl towards Anzac.

I suddenly realised that for some reason the small drain was filled with stagnant stinky water. I knew Id and Emor wouldn�t be happy about it but I just crawled on. There was nothing I could do about it. Sure enough, Id and Emor were very vocal about their complaints and were not happy with me, I can�t blame them. It was a stinky crawl to the main tunnel where I washed off in the water there. I was pretty dubious about the quality of the water in Anzac but at least it got the grime off of me.

Anzac is a nice drain to visit, because its' very familiar, and quite a relaxing walk because its' so big and not claustrophobic. We walked in, being wary of the slippery bits and strode into the chamber. If you�ve read the drain guide you�ll know how big it is. We admired the art for a while, then on either Emor or my urging we decided to go all the way up the side tunnels and exit at one of the manholes.

We took the left tunnel first, singing away with some of the tunes we liked. The tunnels echoed to a song in our deliberate high voices. " Roxane! You don�t have to put on the red light. Roxane, you don�t have to sell you�re body to the night." If you�ve ever seen Eddie Murphy in 48 hours you�ll know what I mean.

We got up to the manhole on the left tunnel, then went off to the wall in the tunnel about another minute on. We pondered the balloon tunnel there but it looked like shit so we walked back to the manhole. Id and Emor wanted to exit there, and we popped the manhole to have a look out but for some reason (probably my sadistic humour) I wanted to show them the other exits. So we wandered back down.

It seems you always fall over on the way back. Id, wandering down the tunnel made a wonderful �bong!� noise as he hit his head on a protruding pipe, a constant thing to watch out for. Emor and I started laughing (as you do when admiring some one else�s misfortune) then Emor almost, but not quite slipped over. Now Id and I started laughing. Then, to top it off Id fell over. Emor and I packed up laughing as Id picked himself up.

I was standing there, hoping to heck that I didn�t fall over. Its' all fine and well when someone else falls over, you stand there and laugh at them unless its' serious but its' crap when it happens to you. I don�t get mad when someone laughs at me when I fall over, sure I don�t like it, but what can you do? They laugh at you, you laugh at them. Not to outdone, I managed to bump my head on the Toorak girders - again!

So we headed up from Anzac Spas up the right tunnel. This looks nice at first, but it soon turns into a slippery and stinky little red brick pipe. Thankfully we soon climbed the stairs up into the bluestone bit which smelled a lot nicer thanks to all the gum leaves that fall down it. We wandered up this bit for a while. Emor found a manhole and asked if it was the exit. Me, in my fine wisdom figured we had to go further and made us unnecessarily wander about 50 meters up the tunnel before I realised that Emor had it right. So we tramped back, Emor and Id not to happy, and me figuring I deserved their wrath.

What happened next was a classic! No matter how I tell it, I can�t do it justice, it was so funny. You just had to be there.

We found the exit and Emor did the honors. There he was trying to lift the manhole. ' Just flip it.' I suggest. He tried, but was unsuccessful so he heaved the thing up and then said 'Shit!' Just above us was the underside of a car. We watched in amazement as the car moved forward. I almost bailed as thoughts of tyre in the drain worried me, but you could tell it was the center of the car. The night sky was soon seen so the rather brave Emor popped out of the drain, soon followed by Id and myself.

There we were, standing on the road with this blue Falcon parked right on the exit. I shoved the manhole back while Emor waved a friendly greeting at the petrified motorist. Crapping ourselves with laughter we nicked off down the street half falling over with hysterics.

I can just imagine the thoughts that must have gone through the guy. I mean there he was, sitting in his car, minding his own business when he hears this tapping on the bottom of his car! Then he must have heard our voices so that caused him to drive forward.

Now put yourself in the mind set of someone who has never thought of drain exploring when you consider what happened next; three rather dirty dudes pop up out of the ground behind your car and one of them comes around and looks at you and then waves. What the hell!? I bet he was locking the doors and looking for the club lock, scared shitless. Oh no, he's menacing me with his fist!, or is that a wave? Well, he didn't wave back that's for sure.

I mean the guy's probably never going to look at a manhole the same way again. I don't think he'll ever be parking on one again. I bet he was sitting there thinking: 'What the f%&k!!'. Then later thinking; Should I tell the wife this or not? She'll never believe me. I mean; 'Honey, you'll never believe what happened tonight...' He'd be at some party and be able to spin a good yarn; 'Well there I was parked when I heard a tapping on the bottom of my car........ and then these three crazy looking people popped out of the ground!' They'd probably think he had too much to drink.

We drove past a few minutes later and the car was there but the driver was gone, probably off to get a stiff drink. I can imagine the bartender's response: 'Now that's something you don't see every day'.

		Best Viewed at
Site Map		About this site

Important warning: This site is intended for viewing pleasure, do not attempt any of these activities

©Copyright notice © This entire site is copyrighted 1997 - 2006. No image or text may be reproduced, edited, copied, stored in any off-line storage device, or placed on any another website at any time, without written permission from Panic!, web site owner.