So I just discovered this board and it's officially my new hangout! People and relationships fascinate me. I work in the wedding industry; I DJ a lot of wedding receptions and occasionally do wedding photography. Doing this, I often become very involved in the wedding planning process. Also, I work for ChaCha. If you haven't heard of ChaCha, it's a service that allows you to send any question as a text message to 242-242 and someone will Google it for you and text back an answer. I work in the sex/relationships section. More of the questions are about sex than relationships (relationship questions are pretty damn difficult to answer in 160 characters)...many of them are questions from children who are using ChaCha as a way to anonymously ask questions that they are too embarrassed to ask anyone. I'm also heavily involved in LGBT rights and in the sex positive community.

I'm polyamorous and I'm curious to see if there are any other polyamorous people on UER (other than my girlfriend Aurelie ). Not that I'm trying to hook up here, I'm just curious to see if there are others . If you don't know what it is:

http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

http://www.amazon....ties/dp/1890159018 (the entire way that I view relationships in my own life revolves around this book)

I have to say that I agree with non-serious commitments at a young age. There is way to much out there to settle down with one partner emotionally.

However, I believe you should be sexual exclusive because of STI's.. However, having a close emotional bond with many people is perfectly fine.

I would say I am polyamorous, but sexually exclusive with one partner. I have 2 friends I have very very close emotional bonds with , but draw the line sexually.


On a side note: I study and report on adolescents using new technology to explore their sexual identities and roles in todays society. I also study at the Kinsley Institute for sex research and I am getting a major in Human Sexuality.

Posted by Drooldog However, I believe you should be sexual exclusive because of STI's.. However, having a close emotional bond with many people is perfectly fine.

STI's have to be taken very seriously and condoms are extremely, extremely important. I have never in my life had sex without a condom and get tested regularly. That said, the STI thing has been blown way, WAY out of proportion by our society...more specifically the church. Condoms DO work. YES they can fail. Drains can flood when there was no forecast of rain, stable-looking flooring in abandonments can collapse under your feet and tiny amounts of asbestos can give you mesothelioma even if you use a respirator. Thus, some people choose not to explore, and, although I fully respect that decision, I also know what they are missing out on and it's a LOT. I feel pretty much the same way about sex.

Gonorrhea, chlamydiae and HPV are fucking scary. Syphilis is NOT because it's extremely rare. AIDS in America for heterosexuals is not scary because it is also somewhat rare and extremely difficult to transmit through sex. They won't tell you that in high school sex ed though. I'm not trying to say that STI's aren't an issue; they ARE...but high school sex ed, especially abstinence only sex ed really pisses me off. It's very fucking harmful, dangerous propaganda.

Basically it all comes down to one thing: wear a fucking condom.

I hate to sidetrack, but STI's have actually widely been under reported and is a silent epidemic. So I strongly disagree with parts of your post.

There is a now estimated 15 million new cases a year of STI's (was 12 million in 1996, but due to better testing it has increased). It is one of the leading causes of infertility in couples by far and is very prevalent in young adults.

Lets break it down as much as I can from memory:

1/4 people will contract a STI and 1/5 (may be higher) may already have one.

The reason behind this is the taboo between open sexual communication, lack of symptoms and increase of sexual partners.


Here is more startling numbers of common STI rates:
Hepatitis B - No Symptoms in 50-70% of adults (can appear after 6 weeks to 5 months)

Chlamydia- (1-3 weeks after sex to appear)
Men: 20-40% show no symptoms
Women: 60-80 % show no symptoms
4 million new cases annually

Gonorrhea- (2-10 days after sex)
Men: 25% show no symptoms
Women: 80% show no symptoms
1.5 million new cases annually (debated)

Syphilis- (1-2 weeks for primary stage)
Always shows, but it usually appears in epicenter type pattern. CDC usually swoops in when they notice a increase like they did in Indy a few years ago. It is not rare, it is just not as common as other STI's.

AIDS- AIDS IS NOT TRANSMITTED THROUGH SEX. PERIOD. ENOUGH. NONE.

Only HIV can transmitted through sex which can lead to autoimmune disorders and eventually to AIDS. There are MANY happy people who have HIV, but not AIDS!


Furthermore, condoms DO NOT protect you against certain STI's. This is especially true in women as they are more biologically prone to get STI's due to a wider surface area. The Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) is one of these STI's that condoms do not work on. There are over a 100 types of HPV and over 30-40 of them affect the genitals. It is by far the most common STI in USA followed by Chlamydia with 5.5 million diagnosed a year (with much much more not diagnosed). It is also the leading cause of cervical cancer in women amd 80% of sexually active people will contract it in there life time.

Side fact- You know condoms have a 85% typical use affective rate, and a 98% perfect rate!

Churches really do not push STI issues as they lean more to abortion, birth control, and premarital sex. You can contract a STI by oral sex,kissing, and sexual contact/fluids which is common knowledge to many people.

The bottom line:
Most people lie about there sexually history and do not show symptoms of having a STI. It is better to be sexually monogamous with one partner at a time and get tested and share results with that person. If you have multi-partners you should all get tested and openly share results on a regular bases. No test results = no sex . period.

I can go on and on about high school sex ed programs so lets not go there...


Sources: my head, ill reference my notes from the Kinsley Institute and IUB Sexual Health Center tomorrow.

I used to date more than one guy at a time but I was never too serious about these relationships and I was always honest about it, and... it never worked lol.

I have a lot of friends who are married and have and open marriage and never had any issues. I couldn't do it I don't think... I love my boyfriend far too much to share him or let any man have me.

oh and hook me up with that chacha thing i need a job I can do from home lol or class or work... lol extra $$$ is always good

Dirt is polyamorous, so I'm sure that he'll chime in here at some point.

Personally, I am not polyamorous, and don't support it.

Posted by Drooldog 1/4 people will contract a STI and 1/5 (may be higher) may already have one.

This is an incredible statistic but I've heard this statistic reported so many times with such widely varying numbers. 1/4 is the highest I've ever heard. I'd like to see a source for this. But what you also need to take into account with this is it's real world implications. Probably a pretty decent chunk of the STI cases that make this statistic are harmless forms of HPV (most people who get HPV never find out because in most cases it has no symptoms...ever), or cases where chlamydia was detected in time to be cured without any major long-term implications, which in almost always is in the United States. Statistics like this are DESIGNED to scare people; people are so terrified of the dreaded "STD" that they won't stop to question what it really means; not everyone who gets an STD goes blind and demented. It's not that I'm saying getting an STD doesn't matter; I'm just saying that I think people need to have a more accurate understanding of what it means to have an STI.

You also need to take into account that the gay male community throws off statistics like this a lot. Since STIs transmit so easily through anal sex, and also because of the false sense of security some gay males have about condoms since pregnancy isn't an issue, STI's are WAY more common in the gay male community and they throw off a lot of statistics about STIs in America.

The reason behind this is the taboo between open sexual communication, lack of symptoms and increase of sexual partners.

Have to agree with you on the open sexual communication issues...we as a society HAVE to learn to accept sex as a natural, healthy part of life and stop freaking the fuck out about it. As far as an increase in sexual partners...erm...we have more guilt and shame around sex right now than any other time in the last century. Ever since the AIDS uproar in the 80s, everyone has been TERRIFIED of sex...not just of having it, but even DISCUSSING it. If you think Americans have lots of sexual partners today, you should do some research about the 60s.

Here is more startling numbers of common STI rates: Hepatitis B - No Symptoms in 50-70% of adults (can appear after 6 weeks to 5 months)

Hepatitis B transmission through sex is extremely rare. The vast majority of cases come from blood transfusions, shared needles, childbirth, etc.

Chlamydia- (1-3 weeks after sex to appear) Men: 20-40% show no symptoms Women: 60-80 % show no symptoms 4 million new cases annually

This is the 2nd most common STI in the United States...and almost never has any long term implications in the US. It is almost always caught in time and effectively treated with antibiotics.

Gonorrhea- (2-10 days after sex) Men: 25% show no symptoms Women: 80% show no symptoms 1.5 million new cases annually (debated)

I don't know much about this one...

Syphilis- (1-2 weeks for primary stage) Always shows, but it usually appears in epicenter type pattern. CDC usually swoops in when they notice a increase like they did in Indy a few years ago. It is not rare, it is just not as common as other STI's.

Incidence of syphilis is 1 in 10,000. Not significant. Sorry, with an incidence rate that low, I see it as 100% irrelevant when it comes to public sex education.

AIDS- AIDS IS NOT TRANSMITTED THROUGH SEX. PERIOD. ENOUGH. NONE. Only HIV can transmitted through sex which can lead to autoimmune disorders and eventually to AIDS. There are MANY happy people who have HIV, but not AIDS!

Sorry about the nomenclature issue with calling it AIDS...you are 100% correct about that but that doesn't really make any difference. HIV transmission through protected heterosexual sex is extremely rare. If you have unprotected intercourse with an HIV positive person one time, you have a 1 in 500 chance of catching it.

Furthermore, condoms DO NOT protect you against certain STI's. This is especially true in women as they are more biologically prone to get STI's due to a wider surface area. The Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) is one of these STI's that condoms do not work on. There are over a 100 types of HPV and over 30-40 of them affect the genitals. It is by far the most common STI in USA followed by Chlamydia with 5.5 million diagnosed a year (with much much more not diagnosed). It is also the leading cause of cervical cancer in women amd 80% of sexually active people will contract it in there life time.

This last statistic here is exactly the reason the 1/4 statistic is meaningless...yes, 80% of people get HPV and most of them never know or have any issue with it. And not all people who get HPV got it from sex. HPV is VERY easy to catch without doing anything sexual at all; you can get it from kissing, or from a toilet seat or a public pool.

It's not that condoms "don't work" on HPV. They are just less effective on certain STIs. The VAST majority of STI cases in America come from unprotected sex.

Side fact- You know condoms have a 85% typical use affective rate, and a 98% perfect rate!

You're quoting pregnancy statistics, not STIs. As far as pregnancy is concerned, I think any girl who has sex on a regular basis should use some type of secondary method of contraception on top of condoms.

Churches really do not push STI issues as they lean more to abortion, birth control, and premarital sex. You can contract a STI by oral sex,kissing, and sexual contact/fluids which is common knowledge to many people.

With the exception of HPV, transmitting an STI through oral sex is somewhat uncommon...and through kissing, it's extremely rare. It would likely require both people kissing to have open wounds or sores in their mouths and manage to exchange blood in the right direction.

The bottom line: Most people lie about there sexually history and do not show symptoms of having a STI. It is better to be sexually monogamous with one partner at a time and get tested and share results with that person. If you have multi-partners you should all get tested and openly share results on a regular bases. No test results = no sex . period.

I verymuch agree about the importance of getting tested. I just don't think we should all bury our heads in the sand and become terrified of sex. Like I said, STIs ARE a major issue and NEED to be taken seriously. But I'm SO sick of hearing all of these statistics designed to spread paranoia and scare us into thinking things are WAY worse than they are. The AIDS scare in the 80's started out as a medical thing, much like the Swine Flu scare, or the SARS scare...but it turned into this monstrous social phenomenon that has become ingrained in our society and has led our country to being the uptight, ignorant, uneducated, narrow-minded society that it is when it comes to anything to do with any aspect of our own sexuality.

Posted by Senseriffic I used to date more than one guy at a time but I was never too serious about these relationships and I was always honest about it, and... it never worked lol.

Read The Ethical Slut...the book that I posted a link to in my first posting. Outside the polyamory community, in the more mainstream culture, open relationships are so often done SO horribly wrong. To make polyamory work, you have to have an VERY strong core understanding of yourself, what you want, and of relationships, how they work and how they fail. The Ethical Slut is your bible for that.

I have a lot of friends who are married and have and open marriage and never had any issues. I couldn't do it I don't think... I love my boyfriend far too much to share him or let any man have me.

Well, it's definitely not for everyone, and sounds like it's not for you. But whether you can have an open relationship with someone has NOTHING to do with HOW MUCH you love them. It's much more to do with your personality and the way you experience love.

oh and hook me up with that chacha thing i need a job I can do from home lol or class or work... lol extra $$$ is always good

Like everyone else, they are no longer hiring. :-\

Post by Shawn W. Personally, I am not polyamorous, and don't support it.

Well it's certainly not for everyone but...why don't you support it? Tell me more.

EDIT: screwed up my quote tags...twice...

Jeez I do the "friends with benefits" or "girlfriend/boyfriend" thing. I keep emotions and sex separate if there is more than one partner involved. Otherwise things will get heated and someone will get hurt. I doubt I could be polyamorous because I tend to be the (though not in a bad way) jealous type.

When it comes down to friends w/ bennies sex is solely for entertainment, relief, or as currency.

If it's involved in a relationship sex could be more.

But that's me.

As for STD's ...

a.
Chancroid
Chlamydia
Donovanosis
Gonorrhea
Syphilis
Ureaplasma infection
Are all BACTERIAL. As in curable using antibiotics. Not fun to get. But curable.

b.
Hepatitis B you should have been vaccinated early as a child against. Should not be too major of a concern.
Molluscum contagiosum once you have cleared all of the pox the virus is gone.

c.
HPV and Trich: does not affect men (on a life threatening scale) And all women should get the cervical cancer shot. Trich is protozoal and is treatable (...curable?)

d.
Herpes: is overblown completely as to the severity of outbreaks. It is generally no worse than the mouth sore variant. A lot more people infected don't even have outbreaks at all; and the few who have bad frequent outbreaks are a minority of those who have it.

e.
HIV/AIDs the only disease I personally would really worry about contracting. It's deadly, incurable, you can treat it but that will only prolong your life.

The again those without much of a future have much more potential for the present. Would you really worry about dieing doing something dangerous if you knew you were AIDS positive?

Trich=Curable.

Flagyl or Metronidazole tablets taken orally for 10 days, by all partners involved, or else everybody will just keep getting reinfected.

Some people don't even know they have this either. So make sure everybody involved gets the meds or everybody involved will just keep getting it.

Shael

Craig Ill go through all my notes, but all my stats are correct and on point provided by the Kinsley Institute, CDC and the IUB sexual health center.


A lot of STI common knowledge is actually myth and the gay community gets a bad bad rap for a lot of it. I will let you read my notes some time during MAMU.

I don't want to side track this thread anymore =)

Posted by Shawn W. Dirt is polyamorous, so I'm sure that he'll chime in here at some point.

HA! Does my reputation precede me? Funny, because I'm more poly by thought than by action. Mostly because I don't go out looking for it. My "primary" got me into it in the first place, but she also has a few wounds, so talks can be difficult. So at this point, we are taking a wait and see what falls into our laps, so to speak.

Jeez I do the "friends with benefits" or "girlfriend/boyfriend" thing. I keep emotions and sex separate if there is more than one partner involved. Otherwise things will get heated and someone will get hurt. I doubt I could be polyamorous because I tend to be the (though not in a bad way) jealous type.

There are many different "styles" of being poly. It's a loose brand of approaching relationships. But know this, in my not so humble opinion, one should not just accept jealousy as being a general part of who you are. That's as emo as you can get.

Posted by dirt There are many different "styles" of being poly. It's a loose brand of approaching relationships. But know this, in my not so humble opinion, one should not just accept jealousy as being a general part of who you are. That's as emo as you can get.

You are saying there is something wrong with feeling jealous? It's a natural, instinctive, and often quite correct emotion.

Then again, I'm fucked up; probably worse than 90% of people (disregarding substance abuse as a factor), my emotional scope is very limited. Currently, there is only one person who if she died tomorrow; I would feel an emotional loss. She is my friend and only will be a friend. I have disassociated my feelings away from pretty much everyone in my life including my parents.

I don't let people get close to me; which is another reason I keep sex and emotions separate.

Posted by TheVicariousVadder You are saying there is something wrong with feeling jealous? It's a natural, instinctive, and often quite correct emotion. Then again, I'm fucked up; probably worse than 90% of people (disregarding substance abuse as a factor), my emotional scope is very limited. Currently, there is only one person who if she died tomorrow; I would feel an emotional loss. She is my friend and only will be a friend. I have disassociated my feelings away from pretty much everyone in my life including my parents. I don't let people get close to me; which is another reason I keep sex and emotions separate.

No, there is nothing wrong with feeling jealousy from time to time. It is a guide, telling you if you are comfortable or not. But to just accept it, and say it cannot change is false. It is a choice. One should never let an emotion control. Ever. Not even love. They are tools. Used to learn, guide, and grow. The love that one shares can be shared with any one. It's the mind that eventually bring about emotion anyway. The thing is, the mind is tapping into something else. If you refuse to love others(impossible by the way) that is your own choice. Also, I make a distinction between Emotional love, Which is felt in the body, and Love, which is a sort of binding force, not unlike gravity.

Posted by dirt No, there is nothing wrong with feeling jealousy from time to time. It is a guide, telling you if you are comfortable or not. But to just accept it, and say it cannot change is false. It is a choice. One should never let an emotion control. Ever. Not even love. They are tools. Used to learn, guide, and grow. The love that one shares can be shared with any one. It's the mind that eventually bring about emotion anyway. The thing is, the mind is tapping into something else. If you refuse to love others(impossible by the way) that is your own choice. Also, I make a distinction between Emotional love, Which is felt in the body, and Love, which is a sort of binding force, not unlike gravity.

Well said! I'm glad to see there are other poly people on UER!

It's not whether or not you ever feel jealous...it's how you handle the jealousy that matters. Jealousy needs to be discussed and worked on together as a couple. The Ethical Slut has an amazing chapter on handling jealousy.

And I'll say it again...polyamory isn't for everyone. Some people just aren't wired for it.

Posted by DJ Craig Well said! I'm glad to see there are other poly people on UER! It's not whether or not you ever feel jealous...it's how you handle the jealousy that matters. Jealousy needs to be discussed and worked on together as a couple. The Ethical Slut has an amazing chapter on handling jealousy. And I'll say it again...polyamory isn't for everyone. Some people just aren't wired for it.

I would take it a step further and say that it is not wiring at all. It all comes to choice. People choose to hold onto a particular way of being, even if the situation doesn't match the ideal. Even us poly folk fall under this trap. There is no one way that is better than another, ever. Particular situations call for particular actions.

In my experience, I've never met someone who claimed to be polygamous who wasn't under 25 years old or who wasn't in a D/s relationship.

Posted by SaraBellum In my experience, I've never met someone who claimed to be polygamous who wasn't under 25 years old or who wasn't in a D/s relationship.

polyamory =/= polygamy!!! Polygamy refers to the religion-based middle-eastern tradition of men having many wives. Has nothing to do with responsible, consensual non-monogamy.

lol I know a ton of poly people and, as much as I'd like to, I've never met anyone who was in a D/s relationship. I'm most certainly not interested in that myself. And I DO know quite a few poly people who are middle aged or even elderly. But you are definitely right that there is somewhat of a correlation. I'd place it more around age 35 than 25 from my experiences. Many people may be polyamorous in their younger years and end up "settling down" (for lack of a better term) and becoming monogamous and that's completely ok.

Something you'll find a lot in the polyamory community is that just because a relationship ends doesn't mean that it has "failed." If a relationship makes you happy for a long time, but eventually it just needs to end for whatever reason, that's OK. That doesn't mean that it won't hurt. Or even that it will hurt less. But a relationship is like a good book; you might be sad when you reach the end, but that doesn't mean you regret reading it.

Posted by SaraBellum In my experience, I've never met someone who claimed to be polygamous who wasn't under 25 years old or who wasn't in a D/s relationship.

My Partner is 39.

So to quote a little known band named fIREHOSE.

"another theory shot to shit"

Posted by dirt My Partner is 39. So to quote a little known band named fIREHOSE. "another theory shot to shit"

She didn't state a "theory", she stated her own personal experience and what one has experienced can NEVER be incorrect. It either happened, or it didn't. It may not be telling on the whole, and certainly not scientific, but I've also encountered the exact same thing Sara has in my run-ins with people claiming to by polyamorous. Typically fairly young, very often emotionally distressed or hurt over something or other, and either a very strong (to the point of overbearing) dominant personality, or a very weak (to the point of unthinking acquiescence) submissive personality.

Most of the people I have met who happily and healthily balance multiple partners and relationships have never classified themselves, and shudder a bit when the topic is brought up.

Doesn't mean you're all like that, and it doesn't mean you need to throw a little snit fit (thank you for your reasonably response, Craig) but it's the majority of what I have experienced with people.