You're all fucked up.

Posted by sandaili Dirt, I meant attractive BOTH ways - you just have something about you that kind of exudes "nice"???? I don't know how to explain it. And of course, yeah you're cute too ;) I'm sorry that you went through all that with that girl....that really, really sucks. A lot. L

Well, the one that I told the story about, Mette, I'm still friends with. The one in the picture, Sarah, is a completely different, and even more fucked up story.

She and I became friends in the 8th grade. We went through a lot of stuff, and became really close. Years pass, And I secretly started to harbor some deep feelings for her. That's why I invited her to my senor prom and all. There was no one I'd rather have there. So I "graduated", I had a few weeks before I started summer school, so I spent it with a friend of my family up in Oakland. That is where and when I met my current girlfriend. I went back to LA to go to summer school, graduated, then went back to Oakland to spend it with my girlfriend. While I was up there, Sarah started to date this guy, Steven. So I came back to LA after a month. She tells, me about this guy, then I eventually meet him. I wasn't impressed. The more she told me, and the closer she got to him the more uncomfortable I got. So she came over to my house, for a few drinks, and just to catch up. She tells me that she lost her virginity to this guy, and all that. And I started to feel extremely hurt. We were both pretty drunk by now, And I just came out with it. That I liked her and that I wished that I could have been the one that she would have slept with. She told me that she felt the same way, but that we were both with other people. And we fell asleep, cuddling, something we have never done, as she was hug-a-phobic. We were close for a little while, but things started to get awkward. A year or so of this passes, and the crowd of people around us changed. One day I invited her to a club, and so she came to spend the day with me. Then she invited this guy Tim as well. I'm very much, the more the merrier, but this proved to be dead wrong. As we were preparing for this club, we were drinking, hanging out all that jazz. Then I look over, and she is holding his hand. She ends up getting really drunk. so much that she spent the entire time with Tim sitting at a table. So the club ends, and Tim wants to drive Sarah and himself home. I tell him no way in hell, he's too drunk. So I get them settled down for th night, and go to sleep myself. I wake up in the middle of the night to hear this faint moaning. Everything in me burned, I have never felt so much pain. I ended up going back to sleep, only to have really bad dreams. I wake at 8 in the morning, go outside, and smoked a dozen cloves. If you could imagine how harsh they are to chain smoke. So eventually they wake and leave. I talked it over with and Andrea, and she told me, that is I need to sleep with her, that it was okay. Sarah at that point was still with Steven. I still tried to maintain the friendship, until one night. Tim lived in a group space, that also had shows. I was there, as was she. She had just broken up with Steven, and was flirting with Tim. I couldn't stand it, so I got really drunk and stoned(a bad combo for me) and ignored her most of the night. Tim ended up leaving to drop someone off, who he liked. She was jealous of her and him, and was pissed at me for getting stoned. We ended up falling asleep on the couch, only for Tim to come back. He woke up Sarah, and she went with him to his room. This place didn't have real walls, and I was in the living room. They started to fuck, And I could hear everything, from the giggles, to the moans, even to the slapping sound, as he pounded her. I couldn't sleep the whole night. In the morning, I left for school(my college was a few blocks away). I didn't speak to her for an whole month afterwards. I ignored all of her calls, didn't talk to any of her friends, forbade everyone I know to tell her anything about me. I was pissed. When I did eventually talk to her again, I told her everything. For how I felt about her to how hurt I was. Her response? A whole bunch of, I'm sorries, I understands, it's okay. No fucking dialog what so fucking ever. But we decided to stay friends. She ended getting back with Steven. I ran into Tim at a party, as we had friends in common, and ended up talking. He told me that Sarah really loved me, and that when I stopped talking to her, it hurt her a lot, it was all she could talk about. So I decided to try to her about it again. But every time I was around her, she made it impossible to talk. Our entire friendship consisted of small talk, I hate small talk. The ground between us got shakier, and shakier. Then one day, Her an a group of us did shrooms. Sarah, Steven, a few friends, and I all on psychedelics. I ended up with a anxiety attack and left early. I have not, to this day, said an entire word to her. It's been over a year now. And within that time, She has chased away most of her friends, Cheated, and has been cheated on, and is in denial about the fact her entire life is falling apart, and that she is completely dependent on Steven for everything. She refuses to accept responsibility(not just in my case, but for how she chases away friends) and blames others, for everything wrong.

I love her and miss her so much, She meant the world to me. I know that I'll never get to talk to her ever again, and that she'll never understand where I was coming from. She'll probably marry the douche bag. But fucking hell, it hurts. Still does. I think I'll have another drink.

fucking hell, that hurt to read. i'm so glad i've never had to listen to the girl i love getting fucked by another guy. i think i'd get all SLC Punk on him.

Posted by Stewie fucking hell, that hurt to read. i'm so glad i've never had to listen to the girl i love getting fucked by another guy. i think i'd get all SLC Punk on him.

It's not even the fact that she was fucking him per se. I consider myself polyamourous, so I'm comfortable with these things. But the way treated me, how she was so cold. To be honest, I don't care that she never fucked me. All I wanted was just to be close to her. The kind of friendship that talks, cuddles, you know, that kind of stuff. I can't stand small talk, I need substance, I need to think, and most of all, I needed her to try.

until then I have a new friend


on the rocks

Posted by hydrotherapy Be bolder. And take your clothes off while exploring more often. (if you explore, which I would assume, being on this board, that you do.)

Then what?

Posted by dirt Then what?

Then we can, you know.... look at each other.

Posted by earthworm Then we can, you know.... look at each other.

http://www.youtube...atch?v=6RexQLrcqwc

1:40

Posted by dirt I consider myself polyamourous, so I'm comfortable with these things.

Being poly sucks sometimes, doesn't it? Mostly it just seems to be a bipolar version of mono dating... Swings from sublimely perfect (having multiple partners / a partner and a cuddle / such) to getting dumped. Twice. In a row.

That sounds horrible man. I could tell you that its her fault and she has issues, but I'm sure you already know and it doesn't change anything. If I were you I'd probably end up writing her a long letter. Then she has the chance to try to get out of all the sh!t she's in, and if she just blows it off I find its easier to move on then.

Posted by MindHacker Being poly sucks sometimes, doesn't it? Mostly it just seems to be a bipolar version of mono dating... Swings from sublimely perfect (having multiple partners / a partner and a cuddle / such) to getting dumped. Twice. In a row. That sounds horrible man. I could tell you that its her fault and she has issues, but I'm sure you already know and it doesn't change anything. If I were you I'd probably end up writing her a long letter. Then she has the chance to try to get out of all the sh!t she's in, and if she just blows it off I find its easier to move on then.

It's been done. Not just by me either. She is in denial.

When I write (those) letters it's as much for me as it is for them... But if you've done that too... I dunno.

I'm planning on climbing the tallest thing I can find soon. That always makes me feel better.

Posted by MindHacker When I write (those) letters it's as much for me as it is for them... But if you've done that too... I dunno. I'm planning on climbing the tallest thing I can find soon. That always makes me feel better.

As I've said, I haven't talked to her in a year or so. At this point, I have to let her go.

Posted by dirt That is where and when I met my current girlfriend.

Let us back up to the part where you have a girlfriend right now.

And you're spending how many hours per week venting to the invisible online about how you can't get girls and writing somewhat stalker-esque ill-spaced reminisces about girls that you lost chances with?

Do your girlfriend a favor and breakup with her. If you currently have a lady and you're showing this duplicitous behavior, I understand why no girl will stick around you. I don't care if you're in an open relationship, married, or monogamous. If you're so hung up on a woman who won't even speak to you, you have deeper psychological shit to sort out for yourself before you can expect ANYONE to want to put any sort of lasting faith in you.

That, and it's creepy. Sorry I'm not giving you a warm hug and tell you everything will be ok as you chainsmoke and drown your sorrow in booze, but that doesn't seem to be what you need. Harsh slap of reality, love. Stop wallowing in yourself and what 'never was' and just fucking live.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamoury

From what I gather, you (hydrotherapy) won't understand it at all. Some people are hardwired so mono that the suggestion of multiple, concurrent, deep and emotional relationships seems like an impossibility.

Do be fair, we did ask for the stories. Or I did at least. And from what I read he seems to be getting over her. Have you ever needed time to get over someone? Unless you have no feelings, I'ma guess yes. And it takes longer when they don't speak to you, not shorter, 'cause now he has to figure out WTF w/o any feedback/ input from the other involved party. I don't see how his actions are duplicitous at all.

I also recommend not dumping one girl to get over another. I tried that once and it was just another step in the wrong direction. Hooking up with another to get over a girl doesn't help any, but it is a fun distraction.

Posted by hydrotherapy Let us back up to the part where you have a girlfriend right now. And you're spending how many hours per week venting to the invisible online about how you can't get girls and writing somewhat stalker-esque ill-spaced reminisces about girls that you lost chances with? Do your girlfriend a favor and breakup with her. If you currently have a lady and you're showing this duplicitous behavior, I understand why no girl will stick around you. I don't care if you're in an open relationship, married, or monogamous. If you're so hung up on a woman who won't even speak to you, you have deeper psychological shit to sort out for yourself before you can expect ANYONE to want to put any sort of lasting faith in you. That, and it's creepy. Sorry I'm not giving you a warm hug and tell you everything will be ok as you chainsmoke and drown your sorrow in booze, but that doesn't seem to be what you need. Harsh slap of reality, love. Stop wallowing in yourself and what 'never was' and just fucking live.

MindHacker hit it on the money.

Moreover, I don't understand where you got the "lost chances with" bit is coming
from. I said that I'm best friends with one of these girls, I'm not obsessed at all with her. I outlined how our friendship began, that is all. I wouldn't be so messed up over Sarah, if say, she wasn't completely fucking up her own life. Or if I could call her at any moment and there would be no hard feelings.

Break up with my girlfriend? What next? Are you going to go into how premarital sex is wrong? My Partner is also Poly, and she has had her own freak outs. I'm fine with this.

I also don't spend all my time suffering over this, In able to write those posts, I had to go back to that space. One that is filled with a lot of pain. When that is coupled to the fact that I need to start looking for another job, and dealing with the fact that my girlfriend is going though hell, due to her ex's(who she still considers her best friend) mother just dying and his girlfriend throwing hissy fits over Andrea. It's a long story, one that I don't at this point feel comfortable saying. But Andrea has been crying her guts out all week, which is draining for both her and I.

Stalker-esque? Creepy? Is this is really how I come across?

Don't turn this into the prude vs the amorous lovers- trust me; you guys know nothing about my sexuality, and it has no bearing regarding this discussion.

I summarize again, dirt, you seem like a good guy. Yes, you are coming across as really creepy. And yes, you need to keep over clutching onto these memories which are clearly hurting you very deeply and are preventing you from associating 100% with anyone you happen to be with at the time. The drinking your sorrows into oblivion is also a class act.

Just friendly advice.

And since you want me to say it- yes. Premarital sex is the devil. Totally evil. You're both going to hell. I'm 47 and live along with four cats, so pardon me if I have a skewed sense of what morality should be.

Posted by hydrotherapy Don't turn this into the prude vs the amorous lovers- trust me; you guys know nothing about my sexuality, and it has no bearing regarding this discussion. I summarize again, dirt, you seem like a good guy. Yes, you are coming across as really creepy. And yes, you need to keep over clutching onto these memories which are clearly hurting you very deeply and are preventing you from associating 100% with anyone you happen to be with at the time. The drinking your sorrows into oblivion is also a class act. Just friendly advice. And since you want me to say it- yes. Premarital sex is the devil. Totally evil. You're both going to hell. I'm 47 and live along with four cats, so pardon me if I have a skewed sense of what morality should be.

I don't see how feeling one thing negates other feelings I have. It's not like there is a maximum amount of emotions one can feel.

Drinking into oblivion? You make a lot of assumptions, there were two posts referring to drinking made in the same night as the story. I haven't drunken like that since, just a few glasses of wine here and there. My point, I was/still am under a lot of stress, and to take the time to recall something really traumatic, it will have an effect. But nothing that can't be cast aside when it is time to live life. The only people I have a hard time associating with are people who think I'm creepy. I don't see how calling someone creepy is friendly at all.

Regardless, I see that what I have shared should have just been kept to my self, and I will endeavor to do just that.

Posted by dirt Regardless, I see that what I have shared should have just been kept to my self, and I will endeavor to do just that.

Then I'll skip the friendly pretense and let you know passive-aggressive isn't very becoming.

This conversation is making me vury, vury horny.

Posted by hydrotherapy Then I'll skip the friendly pretense and let you know passive-aggressive isn't very becoming.

I guess, if you look at in in that light. But at this point I don't feel like putting myself in a situation where I'm not sure where others boundaries are, as I don't have a sense of boundaries that conform to any standard. Boundaries by Brail I guess.

Being aggressive in general is not becoming. I personally just want to drop this game and be over with it.

Posted by dirt I don't see how feeling one thing negates other feelings I have. It's not like there is a maximum amount of emotions one can feel. Drinking into oblivion? You make a lot of assumptions, there were two posts referring to drinking made in the same night as the story. I haven't drunken like that since, just a few glasses of wine here and there. My point, I was/still am under a lot of stress, and to take the time to recall something really traumatic, it will have an effect. But nothing that can't be cast aside when it is time to live life. The only people I have a hard time associating with are people who think I'm creepy. I don't see how calling someone creepy is friendly at all. Regardless, I see that what I have shared should have just been kept to my self, and I will endeavor to do just that.

Dude, you said like on this very page that your new friend is a bottle of bourbon.

So you really can't take offense to someone saying you should not be drinking your sorrows into oblivion...you did kinda ask for it.