I don't even know how to respond to your last post. Emma is better at this thing and it looks like even she had trouble summarizing and offering advice to that.

fuck.

Posted by victoria- Thanks for the advice guys. :3

well, Emma has already said it well enough, but when you do get out of this relationship, don't date for a while. Because if you do it will just end up in more hurt feelings. Seriously. Stay away from guys for a while until you can really figure out what you want in a relationship, and how much you are willing to compromise to stay with someone. That's the best advice i have to offer.

At some point or other, the only thing you can do is laugh.

So I offer up a hearty LOL.

Posted by victoria- Well, I personally hate drugs and he loves them. I agreed he can get high and I'll get high with him if it makes him happy and helps us.

Has it not occurred to you that this "agreement" is actually just his attempt to make you a willing participant in an activity which you rightly disapprove of, such that later on, when the topic comes up again, he can merely say "well, you did it too!". For what it's worth, you won't be able to just reply "only because you wanted me to", because it's an invalid, hollow argument; you had the choice to join him or stop right there, and he'll know which path you chose and use it against you.

Posted by victoria- As to the drug problem it's the only way he knows how to cope with stresses. And I'm slowly getting him help and helping him with it.

No you're not! You're joining him and making it far worse; you're now his "co-conspirator". If you don't want to dump him for yourself, do it for him - your influence, giving up at every turn and merrily getting high with him, will simply see him dead much sooner. So if you're wanting to help out with his drug problem somehow (which can't be done without him working to get clean too), DON'T FREAKIN' TAKE DRUGS YOURSELF. I cannot stress that enough.

Why do you have to sacrifice happiness (your beliefs against drug use) so that he can have his happiness (getting as high as a kite whenever he likes)? Is there some special reason? Do you owe him something? I don't think so. Emma went into this in depth and you'd do well to actually listen to her.

I'll cheerfully agree with the sentiment of everyone in this thread to drop him like a sack of shit. If you don't, there will be a lot of hurt for you in the long run; you will likely come out of it with severe emotional scars and possibly physical ones too. If you do leave him right now, there will be some comparatively short-term emotional effects, but you'll get over them and be a better person because of it.

Posted by Lexi but things change and progress if you don't put your foot down.

Am I correct when I say that you meant that things DON'T change and progress?

Why do I feel we will see a post soon saying that she is pregnant and they are getting married soon.

Posted by Lexi It's amazing what people put up with for the sake of simply staying with someone. There's more than one person guilty of this in this thread, I won't name names but they know who they are. Bad behaviour is bad behaviour, and in the end always has a consequence. Things may be fine/be working now, but things change and progress if you don't put your foot down.

This is all so true. I've definitely learned that one of the most important aspects of a successful relationship is communication. You can't be afraid to speak your mind and say no because you're afraid doing so will end up with you losing the other person. Be a strong individual with opinions and desires. Little problems turn into big problems if you do nothing about them.

I duhno, I see the fact that leaving him would be the best way to go etc. This is my first real relationship so i'm stil learning what to do and all that. I can't even make up an exscuse anymore as to why i'm with him other then the fact that on our good days he is the greatest, loving person and he just makes me so happy.

Posted by victoria- I duhno, I see the fact that leaving him would be the best way to go etc. This is my first real relationship so i'm stil learning what to do and all that. I can't even make up an exscuse anymore as to why i'm with him other then the fact that on our good days he is the greatest, loving person and he just makes me so happy.

I can totally relate to this. You don't have to leave him now. We say it because we have all been exactly where you are right now. Just know that this stuff isn't normal or healthy. And having a boyfriend means a lot to you right now, but you will come to find so much in life that is better than him.

And I have been with guys who I'd have absolutely amazing days with most of the time but then really nasty bad days. I had an ex that was great 99% of the time, but was manipulative and eventually physically abusive 1% of the time. HIS small red flags (at the beginning) were very similar to what you're dealing with, now. This guy ended up having a gun in my face, covered me in bruises, and permanently damaged my knee. I have emotional scars that I'm still trying to heal.

In the end, something another boyfriend said rings true: how can you love somebody if you can't even love yourself? Take your time but please be careful with yourself.



Edit: Unscrambled the garbled cell-phone-post mess. BLAH.

Thanks Emma :3

Posted by victoria- Thanks Emma :3

You're welcome.

I wanted to add that people only get "worse", by the way. (Unless they're getting PROFESSIONAL help and are super committed to it.) The most obvious example of this is with battered wives: You see a progression from mental abuse to physical abuse that gets worse every single time.

This is because the abuser is getting more and more comfortable as time goes on.

Your relationship is still new enough that your man is trying to be his "ideal self", which you're also trying to be. You know... Like how when you start dating someone, you pretend like you're the only girl in the world that doesn't fart? But eventually you're comfortable enough that farting in front of him doesn't matter?

Everything progresses like that. This guy will only get worse.

You seem like a very sweet, caring, loyal, dependable person. Just know that there is going to eventually be someone out there who deserves your qualities and doesn't ask you to do drugs, etc., in return.

Who really cares who else in this thread is guilty? This isn't about them. Victoria wanted advice on how to handle HER situation not to hear people complain about who else may be hiding a similar problem.

Posted by Oryx Who really cares who else in this thread is guilty? This isn't about them. Victoria wanted advice on how to handle HER situation not to hear people complain about who else may be hiding a similar problem.

+1.

Re: the deleted posts in this thread

Keep this thread on topic. It is about Victoria, nobody else. Seriously. If people aren't in here asking you for advice on their lives, stop commenting. Ridiculous. The thread will be locked if you guys can't keep it on topic.

Note: This is an on-topic post.

With that said, Emma's right about the abuse factor. My first girlfriend was so used to getting smacked around by her boyfriends that when I DIDN'T do that, it felt strange to her, so she used a very minor excuse to get out of the relationship. What happened afterward? She went back to guys who smacked her around. Either the guy after me or the one after him got so rough with her that he dislocated one of her shoulders. Thankfully, he was arrested for assault.

Anyway, the reason why I brought that up is because I hope that you don't get yourself into a situation where you get so used to abuse, be it physical, emotional, sexual, etc., that it feels normal, and that you'd avoid non-abusive situations because they're no longer part of your comfort zone. That's something that I don't think that any of us, including you, wants to see happen.

I can see where you're coming from Victoria... you're hopeful and have faith in people, which is a beautiful and redeeming thing that is rarely found in anyone.

I've been in your situation before, afraid to let go because I just KNOW something is there. Spoiler alert: there isn't really anything there worth waiting around for, but everyone here telling you that isn't going to convince you otherwise. And that's fine. This is one of those things you have to learn for yourself. Period. Trial and error, move on with your life.

Just because you're a patient and forgiving person, doesn't mean that you deserve someone that will force you to flex those muscles.

Posted by victoria- I duhno, I see the fact that leaving him would be the best way to go etc. This is my first real relationship so i'm stil learning what to do and all that. I can't even make up an exscuse anymore as to why i'm with him other then the fact that on our good days he is the greatest, loving person and he just makes me so happy.

Everyone has ups and downs. And if you really care about someone you ride it out with them, and they should ride it out with you when you have your bad days. Mutual support. If he can offer that, great!

And once in a while everyone needs some space, and in the case of school, studying will have to take priority now and then.

As for the drugs thing, what kind? I've seen the wrong drugs destroy more than just relationships, so watch that. A friend of mine (whom is a drug dealer and I've known for years) once told me to be very careful and never get romantically involved with someone who does hard drugs habitually. No matter how good they are inside, the drugs will warp them and make them sick and it will spread it's devastation to you.

Alcoholism will do the same. I've seen that end in broken families, crying children, and corpses rotting through the floorboards. Don't do that to yourself.

And for the love of god, if he likes drugs and you don't and he wants you to do them with him tell him no, if he pressures you tell him he's being a naggy bitch and needs to grow a pair and deal with reality without filters.

Don't be anything other than what you are to impress a guy.

You are a certain person, don't be something else to manipulate some's feelings (because that's what it does, whither you intend to manipulate or not).

It's not good for you or him if he thinks he loves you, but you are not being you. And in that case, he doesn't love you at all, he loves who you pretend to be.

So show yourself, and be loved or not, but know that whatever it is, it is all you, and you matter, and you are important.



_{Edit: it seems I hit r where I should have hit t. oppsies.}

Well said.

Dresden = winning, straight up good advice.

Posted by Dresden As for the drugs thing, what kind? I've seen the wrong drugs destroy more than just relationships, so watch that. A friend of mine (whom is a drug dealer and I've known for years) once told me to be very careful and never get romantically involved with someone who does hard drugs habitually. No matter how good they are inside, the drugs will warp them and make them sick and it will spread it's devastation to you. Edit: it seems I hit r where I should have hit t. oppsies.

its just pot, not a huge deal. and i dont mind i just dislike the habitual way he does it. like if hes stressed hes lighting up when i know thers so many other ways to deal with it. but hes realising that and trying for me.